A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if I should have ever gotten married. Marriage was never something I strived for in life, but when my husband (then boyfriend) asked me to marry him, I was very in love with him and very happy so I said yes, even though I didn't really care whether we were married or not. Now almost five years later, I'm wondering whether I made a huge mistake.My husband is a good man, he does a lot for me and he loves me so much, and I feel guilty because I don't love him back as passionately as he loves me. He's not the perfect man, there are sticky points in our relationship that cause us occasional trouble, and we may not be as compatible as we thought we were when the relationship first started, but in general he's a good man and a fine catch (but maybe not the right catch for me). He never thinks about being with other women, and has never thought that he wants to be with anyone else but me. I am his first love and he is completely in "You're the love of my life," love with me. I on the other hand think of other men constantly. It's not because there's anything wrong with my husband, I still think he's very handsome and he's in good shape, but there is a part of me that is so intrigued by the unknown and men that I've not been with. Even though I look at my husband and I know that he's handsome and desirable, I feel very little sexual drive towards him. I get turned on by thinking of being with other men, having new experiences with new people.I have a history of being a cheat which I am not proud of, but I've never cheated on my husband. However I do have the desire to cheat, and I worry that if the opportunity ever presented itself that I would do it, even though I would feel terrible about it. The majority of the really memorable sexual experiences that I've had in my life, the ones that stand out and make me think, "Wow, that was amazing," were experiences that I had casually with people I wasn't in full-on relationships with.I wonder if part of the reason why I wasn't interested in marriage my whole life is because I knew about this fault within myself. I thought that things would be different with my husband because for the first few years we were together I never thought about other men, but then gradually these thoughts started creeping into my head again. Now it's to the point where it's almost constant, I think about men I see in the grocery store, sitting in cars next to me while I'm driving, I wonder what it would be like to be with them.I think maybe I'm just not capable of being with someone "till death do us part", and I feel like this whole relationship with my husband is so unfair to him because I'm cheating on him in my mind constantly. He does not know that I have these desires, he even gets upset if he thinks I find an actor attractive, he would be devastated if he knew that I was thinking sexual things about random men I see during the day.Half the time I think I need to work on changing this aspect of myself so that I can stay with my husband and have a happy "normal" life with him where we stay together, have kids, grow old together, etc. The other half of the time I think I need to end things because I'm being so dishonest with him and it's not fair to him. In the back of my head though, I worry that I will spend the rest of my life alone if I can't get to grips with this problem. If I leave my husband, I could have fun casual sex with men for a several years at least and have a great time, but eventually I'll be an old woman, casual sex won't be much of an option anymore, and where will I be?I wish I could just love my husband like I used to, desire him, want to be with him the way he wants to be with me. I've been working to try and feel that way towards him again, but if I'm being honest with myself, I don't think it's going to happen. I really think he deserves someone better than me, and it's a shame that he thinks I'm so great, when I know deep down that I am not.
View related questions:
cheated on my husband Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 April 2011):
maybe I'm totally wrong, but it sounds like you married your husband out of not wanting to be alone and that you stay married to him out of guilt (dont' want to be the 'bad guy' for leaving him and hurting him) or because you fear being alone or deviating from the predetermined script (i.e. stay together, have kids, grow old together..). And because this is the reasons you married him and stay married, you never ever truly felt sure of him. If this is the case, then time probably won't change the way you feel, just by virtue of time passing. If you want your feelings for him to change, then some action must be taken, and I don't think it's entirely on your shoulders because a relationship has two people in it so if one partner has no feelings for the other, it is not entirely that person's problem to deal with alone.You said you feel guilty because you don't love him as much as he loves you. So obviously he doesn't sense that you don't love him back, it sounds like he has blinders on so maybe he has relationship-damaging issues too, and it's not just you who needs to change something. I'm just saying that it's not all your fault, a relationship has two people. So, if you do want to try to feel something for your husband, it's not entirely your responsibility to change how you feel, he must do some changing too. But he can't unless you inform him of how you feel.Or maybe things didn't happen that way at all and you did actually at one time used to feel great about him and the relationship but not anymore. You didn't get turned off to your husband overnight, I presume. There was a time when you felt very differently about him than you do now. Try to find out what went wrong, dont' assume it's all on you or that you're the only one who has a problem. Your lack of desire for your husband could be the outward symptom of very deep relationship problems. if you're not getting your needs met from your relationship, your needs don't just go away by themselves, they can often get magnified and maybe this is why you find yourself desiring other men. in other words, maybe your desire for other men is not an isolated problem and it's all on you. I think it's an outward symptom of deeper relationship issues, you don't have feelings for your husband and thus your relationship-needs are not being met so they get intensified and directed elsewhere toward other people (because needs don't just go away by themselves, if suppressed they can get magnified). Maybe your relationship-needs are not being met because you and your husband never were compatible to begin with. If so, it's still possible that maybe the relationship can be changed, or maybe it's not possible and it's better to go your separate ways. If it's to change, then you should be honest with your husband so he can know that something needs to change and give him a chance to do so with you. and if it's not possible, then you will know this more clearly if you've talked with your husband about it. It's not wrong to divorce someone if you conclude that you can't have a healthy relationship with them. I dont' think this lack of attraction for him is a problem entirely within your own head and you are the only one who can or should do anything about it. Maybe he will be willing to work with you to explore ways of improving the relationship and whether you can start to feel more desire for him. Or maybe he will be completely crushed or outraged and feel betrayed that you have no feelings for him and if so, where will that lead? will he want to divorce? if yes, then he's on the same page as you are right now anyway and the path forward will be clear cut. So I think either way, you should talk to your husband about your lack of feelings for him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): I actually felt the same way about my boyfriend of three years. The way you describe your relationship with your man and how he is towards you describes how my boyfriend is with me. He gets angry when I think a celebrity is attractive as well. He is a good guy and he's handsome and we have our problems but nothing over the top big, just like yours. And an opportunity presented itself to me 2 years back to cheat and I actually did. I told him later on that I had and he was devastated and so was I because I had hurt him. But even though he took me back and he still wants to be with me, I still have this desire. This curiosity about having sex with random men. To just be free and have my independence and do what I want when I want. Maybe I'm not a relationship type right now at this point in my life and maybe neither are you and that's perfectly fine but he needs to know.
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 I can understand how you feel. Some people argue that we as a species are not programmed to be monogamous. I personally think some people do want momogamy and are able to sustain a relationship with one partner for life, while other people simple are not. There can be many reasons for this, and people can change around this issue throughout life. Either way, a long term monogamous relationship is never easy and plain sailing all the time. There will be times when you doubt the relationship and your feelings, as well as times that reaffirm how much you love the other person. But feelings of uncertainty are a natural part of life. We have them in all areas including career choice, home etc. It just depends on the person how these anxieties and "itchy feet" feelings are dealt with. As I said, some people can more or less happily stay married for life, because their values and desire for this outweigh the feelings of uncertainty. For others, like yourself, these feelings present a huge challenge when in a monogamous relationship, and for others the idea of a monogamous relationship is totally unappealing as the thought of being tied to one person is too restricting and anxiety provoking. At the end of the day there are pluses and minuses to both lifestyle choises. Monogamous relationships provides stability, comfort and deep meaningful connection, but can suffer from over familiarity, boredom, restriction and resentment and questioning of whether the person is right forever. Yet on the other hand, singledom provides freedom, oppertunities for sexual relations with a variety of people, no need to think of anyone but yourself but can be a very lonely life, as short relationships never really have time develop into the deep, meaningful bond that develops with a long term partner.Ok, so your husband sounds like one of those devoted types who really wants a committed relationship for life. He is devoted to you, completely loyal and deeply loves you. You on the other hand, are torn because on one hand you appreciate this love, care for the guy and have some desire for a committed relationship, yet are experincing many doubts and questions of whether you want this forever. No one is to blame for this. At the time of marriage you felt sure you wanted to be married, but people do change. The question is now, which option to go go with. Stay with your husband and get counselling or try to deal with these feelings of uncertainty alone, or let your husband go to find someone who does want monogamy for life. Please do not delay this decision especially if you feel you will cheat if you do. Your husband sounds like a sensitive, caring soul who loves you very deeply. To find you have cheated on him would be very painful for him, and he does not deserve it after the devotion he has shown you. He is a good man, he deserves this at least if you are not able to be the wife he wanted for life.Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): you sound like a very good womanand your marriage sounds a very good marriageand so i think seeking some counselling would help youand save you form cometting a mistake that you well severly regret later onGood Luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): i know I'm young and you may take my advice or not but i think you rushed into things with your marriage , ever heard of the 7 year itch? kind of like cold feet but after 7 years of marriage , i think that's what your experiencing. The truth of the matter is if your not happy your not happy and you really need to prioritize your happiness as number 1. Maybe divorce is the answer BUT ONLY if you've done everything to improve your marriage than if your still not happy than think about a divorce BUT please please go to marriage Councillor and work on it together. i really hope things work out :)
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 You may have little sexual desires for your husband because in your mind you already convinced yourself that other men are better. That's what happens when a married person is infatuated with someone else. Even though there is nothing wrong with their spouse you would find faults in them to justify that being with someone else is better. You also make yourself the bad person hoping that he would find someone better, thus creating an exit point. There is nothing significantly wrong in the relationship. Don't create problems out of nothing. You are only making the forbidden fruit sweeter by your guilt feeling. Accept your desires as normal and make a firm, good decision to stay with your husband. You would find that once you have a resolution you would stop dreaming about other men. Try to look at your husband as every man in the world, all in one. Role play with him. Although he is "domesticated" with you, you can unleash that animal passion in him. Don't compartmentalize men into provider/good husband types vs player, wild types.
We all have curiosities about other people. It's really common so how would that make you a bad person? It's just that there's much more advantages than disadvantages staying in a marriage. More peace and contentment in your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, sofirex  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 hii, you really thought this through and it shows, and i understand what you are saying, i might be very young and i dont know anything about marriage, but i see married people everywhere around me and i think i could help a bit!first of all i understand how your husband feels about you, cause i am in love just like that with my boyfriend for a year now and i would say that if you asked for a divorce you would break his heart more than you would if he knew you think about other men. on the other hand i am very against cheating and i hate it, i say maybe go to a vacation alone, spent some time away from your husband so you can miss him and if you go back and you haven't miss him,and if you realize its fine without him, then i guess it's worse if you keep on being married.i wish my boyfriend loved me as much as i did. but your case reminded me of this movie i watched.. "The Romantics", where the mother of the bride said: " a marriage can only work if he loves you more than you love him". listen, you are right, if you divorce and you get casual sex for several years, then you will not want casual sex at some point and when you search for it, you might not find what you had, which is a very loving and honest husband. dont cheat on him, please, try to cut this "history", no one wants to be a cheater, and if you love him one bit, put yourself in his shoes for a sec and imagine how awful it would be if he did that to you. you are great for him, and dont say that he doesnt deserve you, cause if he loves you then you are right for him, and whenever you have thought of other men sexually, get busy or think immediately of your husband and hopefully the thoguth will go away. even try going to a psychologist(am not saying you are crazy, it just might analyze your feelings and you might find out why you think about other men when you like your husband)all am saying is that if you cheat, you can never NEVEE undo it.. and you will be really guilty and it's not worth it.i hope i helped, please let me know :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): I'm going threw the same problem only I'm not married. But, I'm in a sticky situation with my boyfriend. He is good man too, but maybe not for me? Anyway, I'm preaching to the choir over here, but your better off leaving him. These feelings are never going to go away. And most likely if the opportunity does present itself you probably will cheat and then feel like an even bigger piece of crap. You don't have to be alone forever, there is someone out there for you. That person just isn't your husband. Another thing is you need to talk to your husband. Maybe don't tell him that you fantasize about other men, but that you don't feel happy as if there is more for you in the world then what you're getting. I think what your feeling isn't the desire to sleep around, but to get more life experiences. And if that's what you need to do to be happy then thats what you need to do. You keep saying it's not fair to him, but it's not fair to yourself. Good luck and I really hope I helped you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 Hey America, Don't beat yourself up too much about this. Honest, we are all human and there are times when our marriages do not turn out the way we want them to or as time goes by our feelings change towards the person that we are married to. You are amazing for acknowledging these feelings that you have and reaching out for help. Regarding these feelings...I sense that you can't exactly bring this up with your husband, you mentioned him getting upset for actors that you think are attractive...that seems to indicate a bit of possessiveness and jealousy there...but you being his first love, he does not want to lose you, it is not many guys that marry their first love.If you honestly want to deal with these feelings on your own. I really think you should seek professional help on them. Just to talk it through with someone who can give you an idea of if it is just a phase that people go through or if this is something that can potentially destroy your marriage. That would be my advice to you hun...on here people can tell you how THEY feel in their marriage but everyone is very different and their husbands and marriages are very different as well...you are the only one that knows yours and as you say..your husband is a good man...we want to keep him that way.Good Luck
...............................
|
