A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have constant chatter in my head. I wanted to write down my deepest concerns here. And then there is the tiny weak sound of hope. Who tries to tell me my gut feelings are wrong. Maybe someone here has a comment to make, or an advice to give. Most of these thoughts have been going on for years and are torturing me daily. Therapy doesn't help. No therapist will ever tell you what to do. They want you to find your own way. I have tried and tried and years have gone by but I'm still stuck. So here is the list.1-He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. He doesn’t care. … ( He might like you a little, he might care.) 2-He is just using you. He thinks you are a fool. He pities you. You annoy him. He takes advantage of you. He has no respect for you. …( He doesn’t wanna take advantage of you. He is not a monster. He doesn’t think you’re a fool. You don’t annoy him)3-He will leave. He is with her. He wants someone better than you. He wants you to go away. …( He might stay for a while. You don’t know that he is with her. He might even like you. He wants you to be happy)4-He never wants to do anything with you. He can only ever spend his unwanted time with you. He completely ignored your birthday. He finds you boring and annoying.5-You will be 31 soon. You are old. You will die alone. You will grow old alone. No one wants you. You are not good enough. You will never know what it feels like to be loved and wanted. (31 is not too old. You can’t know that you will always be alone. You can’t know about the future. You might be good enough for him, who knows?)6-You will have wrinkles soon. You have ugly sagging breasts. Your feet are short. You are stupid. ( Many people have wrinkles. It’s not so important. You are definitely not stupid.)7- You can’t finish your studies. You are a failure. You are a loser. ( If you could stop the brain chatter you would would finish your studies. You don’t have to be a loser.)8-Your family is embarrassed about you. Your mother will die with a broken heart. Your father too. Your family will be totally disappointed in you. People will pity you. (They are not embarrassed. You are not responsible for them being happy with your life. You are doing the best you can and they should accept it specially since they had a role in making you what you are today.)9- You will have a birthday soon. The thought kills you. The wait is unbearable. He will not remember. He will not come. He won’t care. This birthday will be a disaster. (You’r birthday will pass too. He might remember this time. He might come. How do you know?)10- You won’t ever have a chance again. You will never get to have a proper farewell. He won’t ever hug you again. (You might. You had many chances before. You might still get a chance. You should just remember to say your goodbyes this time- just in case.)11- You are a monster. You are worthless. You are immoral and selfish. You are a psycopath. You are fake. (You’re not a monster. You have tried a lot maybe not enough but a lot.)12- He has a crush on her. He is spending all his time with her. They are going swimming and biking together. They go on trips together. They will fall in love. your feeling of fear is real. It’s intuition. (You don’t know any of these. It’s just a feeling.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): Stop seeking validation from others.
You are wasting your life by immersing yourself in your 'brain chatter' and repeating many negative conversations with yourself over and over. How many more years will you waste thinking about these things in your own mindspace instead of taking ACTION to give yourself ANSWERS?
Ask him if he will be exclusively with you. If he cannot give you a straight answer, or if the answer is negative, cut him out of your life! Instead of focusing on him and her, you need to focus on YOU. Do you have friends? Do you have a hobby? Do you have something to do that will help you get out of your house and make you feel like you are a part of something meaningful? What can you accomplish today to break up the monotony of your life and get you out of your cyclical mindspace if only for a little while?
The only way to stop the thoughts is to change your life habits. When thoughts like your go on for extended periods of time, they can only be stopped a little at a time. For example, if you feel like your boobs sag and perkier appearing breasts would make you feel more confident, go bra shopping! Find a bra that is comfortable and gives you the appearance you desire.
It is the little steps and small things you do for yourself that will help you break the cycle of thought. I've been where you are. I still struggle with these things. I often don't know what i want to do with my life because i've spent all 27 years doing what everyone else wanted me to do. But, even though i struggle at times, i can assure you that as i've begun to find myself and take little steps to accomplish the things i wish to accomplish, my thought process changed. It was a slow process. The cyclical thinking and negativity doesn't disappear over night, but in time it fades. It becomes background noise that can be tuned out...eventually, you will be able to stop the chatter.
You need to find a better therapist. Instead of looking towards paid therapy, perhaps you should seek out a mentor. You are probably codependent and could benefit from going to a counselor who specialises in therapy for codependence, or you can seek out group meetings for codependent individuals in your area (or even online).
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 May 2012):
Ain't love a wonderful thing...erm...nope...well maybe if it goes well for a while, if people get on. Throw some bad behaviour, low self esteeem and doubt into the mix and you have a living hell!!!
I don't think there are many of us who haven't felt this kind of internal self torture when our partner lets us down or dumps us...it is truly horrible...it's a war zone, a self deprecating tortuous ride and there seems to be nothing we can do about it.
There seem to be countless ways to blindside, cheat, abuse, confuse and thwart...and this creates a desperate torrent of misguided emotional baggage for the one left behind...dealing with it is one of the hardest things a person can ever do.
Women seem to suffer with this more so than men...or at least, are more vocal on the matter. Internal dialogue can reverberate for months and years and it's only effect is to create more damamge. If you put your hand in the fire...it hurts and you don't do it again. If an emotive hatefilled roller coaster is rampant in your mind, you let it go round and round until it destroys you.
Your two allies in this battle are the word 'STOP' and the very act of 'doing' (keeping busy).
Make a conscious effort to hold up the word STOP in your mind whenever you feel the urge to over think. Even at the slightest memory, imagining the word before you will momentarily halt that roller coaster. You may have to do it several hundred times a day at first, but it really does work as a mental distraction.
Put this together with physical distraction and you can banish negative thoughts from your mind and help to heal yourself.
None of us know the future, but how we steer our course through life determines the outcome to some degree.
The truths we tell ourself are often not the truth at all...they are a defence mechanism from pain.
You can move on from this.
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