A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi.AllI'm in a very long term relationship with a married man,please no judgements,we can't end it so it goes on and has done for years.We are both in our late 60's and have known each other for over 30years.he treats me with the utmost respect and we both love each other.Just on small thing is a bother to me,Well it's his birthday next week and he is having a family dinner with just a extra few friends and actually his wife invited me to attend as i do know the family,he want's me to be there.I am reluctant to go as i don't think it is the right thing to do.now i know you will be saying well having an affair isn't the right thing to do either,but i feel turning up to his family celebarations is going a little to far,why is he insisting that i come along when i have told him i would feel out of place with the wife,children and grandchildren all present.he says if i don't come i musn't care for him enough.he is very upset about my refusal to go. Have i at least done the right thing here in refusing. why can't he see things my way?
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female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (18 May 2013):
 Yes, you've done the right thing by refusing.
I had a friend who had a 30 year affair with a married man. I only knew her in the latter years of her life. While I could not understand her reasons for engaging in the affair, it just seemed that no other man made her happy, but I also saw how much it hurt her that she was always last on his list. She would frequently get upset with him when he broke plans with her, because his family came first. She was always the type of woman to cater to everyone else's needs and never quite figured out what truly made her happy. When my friend retired, she moved to warmer climates. He was in her part of the world visiting with his wife and she waited for him to contact her. He never did, because he was afraid his wife would find out. That was the last opportunity he had to see her and he blew it. She was so sad. A few months later she was diagnosed with cancer and did not live much longer. They spoke to each other on the phone, but he never made an effort to go see her, and he did not even go to her funeral. She loved him till the very end of her life, but I question how much he really loved her. He only made time for her when it was convenient for him.
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (18 May 2013):
 I will reserve judgment except to say that when you say that you can't end things, what you mean is that you WON'T end them. I'm sure you have your reasons and justifications and what you're actually asking is not about the affair itself but about this invitation.
Does his wife know about your affair? Does she turn a blind eye? Or accept it? In any case, you don't feel comfortable going and with all his family there, it wouldn't be right you being there.
Don't go. If he can't understand your reasons that's his problem.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 May 2013):
 Does the wife have any clue at all as to your role in her husband's life?
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (18 May 2013):
Having an affair for over 30 years. That is something in itself. I'm not going to talk about that as it appears it has worked for you
I agree with you. You should not attend this formal dinner for his birthday. This is not the time or the place for you to be involved with him his family and friends. Suggest a private party for two.
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