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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been dating a man for over 3 years and have lower self esteem then ever! When I met him, he was "separated" and I was very overweight. Needless to say, yes low self esteem and but he constantly told me how perfect his wifes body was and how beautiful she was. I lost a lot of weight but had some effects such as loose skin and not as full breast in which he has a field day talking about.I have paid his bills, given him money to help him, even like a stupid fool had 3 somes and 4 somes but nothing is never enough. When I try to break it off because I feel he is using me, he threatens me. He cheated on me with his sisters best friend and made fun of my body to her, this caused me tremendous pain and He says it is up to me to "let it go" How do you let go of this when this "friend" has been in his sisters life since middle school? I feel trapped because I made a bad mistake and helped him with an account he has (I work for that company) and prevented his account from being disconnected for non payment. He threatens to tell my boss and even the Sr. Vice President. We are not youngsters, He is 44, I am 40. He makes me feel that I am wrong, I am the one with the problem. He does not work and from what I see uses people. He belongs to several mens fraternity's such as the Shriners and Masons and borrowed 6000 from a very elderly man to buy a motorcycle. He does not work so I have no clue of how he will pay this back as he has never paid a penny of anything back to me. I feel like perhaps it is my fault that I want a full time deep relationship and maybe I nag to much. But he wont let me move in but expects me to help with his bills. He flirts constantly with other women and not just mild flirting but making sexual comments and right in front of my face. When I tell him this is disrespectful, he states I am being a bi**h! Every time I try to end the relationship he calls me names and threatens me. I feel trapped and also question why after all the love I gave him that I deserve this treatment and pain.
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best friend, cheated on me, flirt, money, my boss, overweight, self esteem, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lady662  +, writes (18 July 2010):
I know how you feel. My ex-husband used to say things to women and me standing there. His ex-wife was very small and dark skin. He always made me feel so ugly at times. He hurt me so much that eventally I did not care anymore. I finally got to courage to leave him for good. Hang in there and try to get ahold on yourself. It is not your fault he's an idot. Move on with you life without him. You deserve better. You sound so much like me. I do not have the perfect life now. But I have learned to just live my life the best I can. And if they do not know what they have it is their lost.
A
female
reader, angelina-katey +, writes (22 April 2008):
 just kick his butt to hell . don't don't think twice
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): Oh My God Woman! This is incredible! You have to first of all look for another job before the truth comes out. Maybe you should come clean to your boss?? That's the part that concerns me more, your job. You should definitely look for professional help to deal with your insecurities and with your Codependent Personality which is a disorder in the way you relate yourself with people because of the way you were brought up and the way your parents treat you. This man is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Codependent Personality and is extremely manipulative and you need to run for your life. It's not like he is going to kill you but you have to realize you are in a very dysfunctional and extremely abusive relationship that needs to end as soon as possible.
You should fix back anything you manipulated on his bank account to help him (if you can). Can't you make it look as if he made the required payments (and pay it yourself) so you can save your skin?
You should blackmail him also with anything so he would understand he's not in control anymore. He knows your weaknesses already and knows how to manipulate you.
Nobody should be disrespecting you because of your body or anything. You should not tolerate this behavior anymore.
This man is an idiot and is sick. You cannot expect respect from someone who doesn't respect himself and cannot expect love from someone who doesn't love himlsef. He is very sick and you cannot expect anything good from him.
Don't worry because it doesn't mattter how young a woman or 'beautiful' he finds he will inevitably end with a very dysfunctional relationship with her too.
This kind of man will manipulate you into believing it's your responsibility to help them and it's your fault the relationshhip is not working. They will try to make you pay for whatever the things they suffered or couldn't get out of their parents (specially their moms) and treat you like dirt because they know that if you keep up with them is because there most be something wrong with you too, which is true in this case because you are very codependent.
As a codependent you will go out of your way to look for ways to make people and specially partners happy. You are the kind who usually don't say no to people, even if you can't. You are a people pleaser and probably become interested in people who reject you because that's like a goal for you to try to win the people who rejected you because your parents rejected you as a child.
Nobody should have more authority over your life than God and yourself. God made you a wonderful creation and no woman is better looking than you no matter how thin or young or how many men she attracts. Look at your self in the mirror everyday and tell youself how wonderful and secure of oyurself you are. Even if you don't believe it. Do not tolerate your low self esteem thoughts. Think about your accomplishments (any) and repeat them to yourself and spend time loving yourself and pampering yourself.
Solve your job trouble and then dump this monster and concentrate all your time and efforts in finding God-who's the only one who accepts us and love us unconditionally it doesn't matter what we do, act, think or the way we look- and concentrate on finding and recognizing your self worth before dating again because this relationships DO REPEAT THEMSELVES IF WE DON'T FIND LOVE WITHIN OURSELVES *FIRST!!. Remember the Whitney Houston's song: "I found the greatest love of all inside of me". Blessings.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (22 April 2008):
 Hi
I am really sorry. In life we make a lot of bad choices and unfortunately yours turned out to be the worst the good thing is that you agree with me.
I think the first thing you will have to do to break his hold is to change your job.
Is it possible for you to change jobs without his knowledge? because you will need to be really discreet about this. if you have left the company i dont think consequencies will be that much because you dont stand to loose your new job unless you will be facing jail time because of the way you went about preventing that account to be closed. weigh your options and do not allow yourself to feel trapped by a mere person who need oxygen to survive just like you.
This guy is messed up and doesnt want you in his life all he wants is your money to foot his bills, no loving man in his right mind will do what he does to you I mean comparing you with his exwise and teasing you with other girlfriends?
He had realised you are playing on his hand and he is treating you so miserably because he thinks you are stupid and spineless now its you who need to prove him wrong let him go get a new job and give him the wakeup call of his life he will know exactly who he was dealing with be firm with him in the mean time and your no shall be no.
Jovial
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (22 April 2008):
 The trouble with us girls honey, is that when you get to what seems the lowest point in your life, there will be some man with no morals that will push you even further. To get your life back on track, and start feeling good about yourself you need to get rid of this guy, but you already know that dont you?. Your life will never move on until you get some back bone and stand up for yourself.
I can go on (no doubt like your friends already tell you) that its not your fault, you have done nothing to deserve the treatment you are getting from this low life peice of crap, that you think you love.
I dont know what you can do about the work part. I doubt that he would inform on you, as he will get into trouble himself. But if he does you will just have to say that he has been blackmailing you.
He has borrowed money from an old man, he has treated you like sh**. He cant pay his own bill's?
Darling this has nothing to do with how you look (and Im sure your ok, just feeling low), but what the hell are you doing putting up with this?
YOU MUST CHANGE, OR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WILL BE THE SAME.
XXXX
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