A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, what do I do? I met the love of my life two years ago, and although we're young, I know for 100% that it has to him. Problem is, he just doesn't love me.Before you tell me that I'm young, before you tell me that it's puppy love and BEFORE you tell me that there are other men, please believe me when I say that it has to him. It can't be anyone else. He's my world. We dated for six months, and I had been in so many destructive relationships that I ended up with self destructive habits. It ranged to self blame, to self mutilation [burning] to picking fights, and then testing him to see if he really did love me.Eventually it got to the point that he just couldn't help me anymore, and he started doubting his own feelings. He just didn't feel the same way he did when we first started dating. He told me this after I said I was going to apply to the same college to be with him, to prove that there would be no more tests/trials, and that I was serious, that I was absolutely sorry, and that I had changed because of him.So I confronted him tonight about it with support from his older brother, to see what he really wants. He tells me that he just doesn't love me. And I've been crying, and still am, for the last two hours. My eyes hurt, and I'm trying to stop wiping my nose/eyes on my sleeves right now. And he's so unfair. He tells me that I'm his only friend, and it just happens to be true. He's just a lonely boy who wants to love his life. And that I'm his best friend, that he needs me, though not for the same reasons that I need him.And it's so unfair because everything he says is true. I am his only friend. I am his best friend. I've agreed to this friendship crap, but only because I strongly believe, and please I'm stressing this: Lovers who stay friends after wards, either are still in love, or were never in love to begin with. I want to believe that what he felt for me was real.I don't know how much more serious I can be. I feel like me going to his college is some kind of trial I will have to pass in order to win back his love. But I absolutely need him. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about what I ruined, what we had, what I could have said or done.I told him that eventually, one day, he will have to finish what he starts with "I need you." he will need to tell me what we stay as, friends or lovers. And we've agreed that once I get there, it's an LDR, that we will try to trial date.So after all this rant, here's my question: How will I know this is true love? I'm so certain it is. But I'm so used to pushing people away, that I'm trying my hardest not to do the same to him. I'm in the wrong for testing his feelings, and there hasn't been a second that I've regretted it. How will I know?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): "Problem is, he just doesn't love me."
What more is there to say? He doesn't love you, isn't that enough? You might feel like you're in love but he does not feel the same. Going to the same college as him won't change his mind, infact he might think you're a bit of a stalker.
I really don't want to sound harsh but you sound obssesed and in denial. On the one hand you say you know he doesn't love you yet you continue with this fantasy of him running back into your arms. It's not going to happen. Ever. Unless you realise that you're going to be waiting a hell of a long time.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 November 2010):
 It certainly doesn't sound much like true love to me, especially on your part, it sounds possessive and self indulgent, manipulative and destructive.
It seems to me he isn't into your sort of love and has, very wisely, taken a step back.
I believe you need more help that you will receive here, some professional help from a trained medical practitioner, and I believe your ex boyfriend needs some legal help, preferably i the form of a restraining order!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 November 2010):
You're not going to like what I'm going to say, at all. But, basically, there is no love there. He's over you I'm afraid. And he's made it more than clear that he's over you, twice. You can love him all you like, you can believe all you like about people being friends coming together or what. But, he just doesn't feel the same way. And by doing what you'e doing, by being so determined, you're overlooking all this and setting yourself up for even more pain.
I personally think that you need to see a counsellor, because you're putting a huge amount of pressure on this guy, and he's just not able to cope with it. He has had to face some very heavy things, and I think it's more important that you become more independent from him. Being around him won't make him love you again, and the pressure of having you around after all you've been through together may push him away. You need to focus more on yourself, and whatever happens between you two happens. Just don't sit there waiting for him to change his mind. The truth is, he won't.
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