A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I had a very tough time recently on holiday in the UK with my bf - he was not happy there - he wanted to come to be with me but he just couldnt enjoy himself - he didnt mean it - I think he was culture shocked -he is Egyptian and life is so different in UK from Cairo city. I have also realised that he is very affected if he doesnt get his daily smoke of something extra.. they say it is less harmful than alcohol but I think he has so much of it he needs it in order to be happy - it affects his moods so he is dependant on it now. He was a different person in the UK - he was irritable - nothing was enjoyable and he lost his temper very badly a few times with me. he loses control of what he is saying completely but it is as if it is not the same person speaking - now we are back here he says he does not know why he behaves like that - I keep asking but all he can say is I dont know - he has been so remorseful and sorry and swears to try to get better. It is not easy for me as I do have a strong emotional connection to him. I wish i didnt but there it is... it is not something I can reason with my mind like I have been so good at in the past. My bf does not hide anything - if he feels or thinks something it comes out - my husband and I have an open realtionship and he and I are getting on better but he still gives me the veiled comments so I am not sure what he is really thinking. I know he is my husband and he is a good solid character in many ways and I should recognise that but if I try and stay away from my bf I miss him so deeply - it is a different relationship to anything I have known before - there is all the evidence that I should leave him alone but I have got myself deeply entwined with him emotionally - the mind does not have a lot of control. I cant understand why as a more mature woman I am so hopelessly besotted with this guy - he does return the emotion and says all the right things to me and in a lot of ways he does all that he can for me - he supports me a lot but then he has all these personal problems that cause him to behave in ways that are sometimes unacceptable but no matter what he does I do still love him...I did have a few days alone when we came back to Cairo to reflect on how things had been in UK - I want to always have at least a friendship with him but he has been trying so hard to correct the problems since then that I have softened again.. am I a complete idiot or just truly deeply in love?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour answer has made me realise that in order to be able to give constructive advice you have to know that there is a lot more history to the story that is too long and complicated to relate here but I will answer your questions - of course my bf knows I am married and in an open relationship. When I say I am in an open relationship I mean I no longer have sex with my husband (of 22 years) but we agreed to each other having another sexual partner as we would rather stay together than separate because we still have a lot that we value in our relationship. We have already had a lifetime together and there is a solid foundation to our relationship. We both talk honestly about our other partners and we have agreed to give each other this freedom for as long as each of us feels we need it. I think we both hope this situation will be temporary but we are prepared to accept that this is the way we may both decide is best for us to live ie like brother and sister living together and supporting each other. We allow for any possible eventuality. The problems that we have are not about sex. My bf knows exactly what the relationship is with my husband. What I also realise since writing the question is that the truth is that I am deeply in love with my bf who has many problems; I am honest with him too about my reservations about his behaviour - he acknowledges he has problems and is trying to better himself for his own sake as well as for me. If he was the only man in my life we know we would not be looking at a long term relationship as things are now and sometimes I feel I am an idiot because I think I put up with things with him that I would not if he was the only man in my life. The problem is that despite all that I have written we do really love each other. My husband is also aware of this and the difficulties I have in my relationship with my bf. Obviously you come from a background that is unable to accept this kind of freedom in a marriage. Your answer made my situation sound sordid but the truth is that we have all been through a very tough time that we are trying our best to work through in a way that is honest if not within the boundaries of what many would believe to be acceptable. So far I have always acted in what I believed was the right way given the situation I was in. If you have been through any kind of problem like this you will know that what we need the most is definition of the problem and if possible defintion of a path to try and follow to lead us out of our misery. I was looking for a more open minded opinion but in reflection just writing the question and this answer has helped me anyway.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): It sounds like both of your relationships are unfullfilling. Dump them both and have some fun! Move on and stop playing the victim. Everyone has choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): You sound like a complete idiot to me. Which was your question, are you a complete idiot or just completely in love? Does this b.f. know you're married? Why are you married when you and your husband want to screw other people? That makes all marriages look bad..you should have just been f*ck buddies not husband and wife. And as far as the bf goes, he's a drug addict, and he has a bad temper and "personal issues" well, maybe you're meant to be togehter because you don't sound like a person of high character yourself. Maybe all 3 of you could get together?
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