A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well, I know this is probably wrong to say, but I hate my brother...I mean REALLY hate; I can't stand to be around him.He's physically abused me 3/4 times 2 when I was alone with him, he mostly strangles me and chucks things at me with force, he's hit and fought with my sister and hit my step-dad. What's more disturbing to me is that he walks in on me when im getting changed, once when I was in the shower(he just stared...) and occasionally just walks in my room without knocking, im only 15 but I developed early so I feel quite embarressed and uncomfortable, well I suppose you would anyway!. I've told my mum about it but she says he doesnt mean to, iv also asked if he can move but she shouts saying that he'll have nowhere to live. I would move out but im in school. Im fed up of his physical abuse and verbal abuse, he says im gaining weight, that I have a weird nose, that im ugly and then actually told me I should pose for dirty magazines!! also I often see him staring at my breasts or making comments about them, I dont want to be around him or be alone with him.What should i do?xxx
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (27 October 2007):
 Your brother sounds like a real winner "not". Why is your brother still living at home at 30 years old? Isn't he a bit old for your mom to continue wiping his butt?
If you don't want to go seek assistance, which at his age I'd hold him responsible for his behavior, you're going to have to fight fire with fire. Such as this comment: 'Have you ever thought of being a 'Highstreet Hunny'?, If you go on the beach with a small bikini men will come over to you and say 'Oh hello your titty's look ripe want to pose for our magazine', you answer could be "why, so you could look at me legally instead of being a child pervert walking into the bathroom." or "why, are the girls in the magazines now, too old for you too look at."
If things get out of hand, is there any way you can stay with your sister? I'm worried about what this behavior would cause you. That's a big reason for seeking counseling. I don't want your life to be challenged even more than it all ready is being a teen, due to this ass holes behavior. No matter what he does or says, stay focused on getting through school and becoming whoever you want to be.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 October 2007):
Your brother sounds like a real winner "not". Why is your brother still living at home at 30 years old? Isn't he a bit old for your mom to continue wiping his butt?
If you don't want to go seek assistance, which at his age I'd hold him responsible for his behavior, you're going to have to fight fire with fire. Such as this comment: 'Have you ever thought of being a 'Highstreet Hunny'?, If you go on the beach with a small bikini men will come over to you and say 'Oh hello your titty's look ripe want to pose for our magazine', you answer could be "why, so you could look at me legally instead of being a child pervert walking into the bathroom." or "why, are the girls in the magazines now, too old for you too look at."
If things get out of hand, is there any way you can stay with your sister? I'm worried about what this behavior would cause you. That's a big reason for seeking counseling. I don't want your life to be challenged even more than it all ready is being a teen, due to this ass holes behavior. No matter what he does or says, stay focused on getting through school and becoming whoever you want to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer some questions my brother is 30 & I do get along with my sister but she doesn't have much to do with my family because of my brother ruining her wedding by fighting with her husband, So I don't see her very much and when I do she doesn't want to talk about it very much which I can understand.
I can't speak to my dad as someone mentioned on a later post as I don't know my dad, but I have my step-dad and he is fully aware of it than my mum; but he says he can't do anything because it's my mums son so he can't really get involved.
And finally to 'rcn' my brother didn't ask me to pose for dirty magazines for my 'prettiness' his actual words when he told me this were :
'Have you ever thought of being a 'Highstreet Hunny'?, If you go on the beach with a small bikini men will come over to you and say 'Oh hello your titty's look ripe want to pose for our magazine'
I was quite disgusted when he said that so I told my other sister and she turned a blind eye to it and said that he was joking, but I doubt that very much.
Thank you again for all your advice :]
I very much appriciate it.
xx
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A
female
reader, icecreamsandwiches  +, writes (27 October 2007):
O my Good Lord. I'm sorry, but your mum and your sister who went through this also both need a reality check. You cannot just ignore this!! This is abuse, it's perverted and depending on how old your brother is, it could be paedophilia as well. Do you get along with your sister? If you can convince her that together, the two of you can do something about it then maybe she will come forward and support you. The fact that your sister did nothing about it would've just reinforced to your brother that his behaviour was acceptable, so he kept on doing it. As another person commented, document everything and if your mother still won't co-operate, speak to either a counselor or teacher, or maybe even your family doctor. If your mother will not do something about this, somebody else has to. How do you know your brother's behaviour will not become worse as he gets older? You mentioned you were going to call the child helpline. Why don't you go ahead and do that anyway? I know your mother told you not to because your family would resent you for it, but it sounds like your mother is more worried about the family's reputation if word gets out about this. But your well-being is more important than your family's, your mother's and your brother's reputations.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 October 2007):
This has to be extremely difficult for you. How much older is your brother? If it was my mom, I'd tell her to wake up and smell the coffee, because she's really ignoring what's going on around her.
I would go to a counselor at your school and talk to them. Sometimes the problem being a child is not having authority to force someone to listen. The school does.
The way I look at it is, the first time he walks in, OK. Generally after the first time, if he wasn't a perv., he'd know to knock on the door when someone is in there.
What I notice as well is his rude comments, plus him walking in on you. I think your brother says these things out of his own feeling of being inadequate. He says you should pose in dirty magazines, I don't know about where you live, but the girls are real pretty in the magazines here. I'd take that as a compliment.
Action definitely needs taken. Your mom needs a swift kick in the butt so she may actually see what's really going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Me again, the girl who gave you the long-winded answer. I really think you need to proceed to step 4, talking to a counselor. It's probably a good idea to see the counselor at least once, by yourself. Then, as I said, try to arrange it so that you and your parents can see the counselor together. If they won't go, continue to talk with the counselor on your own. As for your mom saying that you'd be breaking up the family and everyone would resent you, that is just wrong of her to say. Frankly, she's emotionally blackmailing you from the sounds of it and that's not right. First of all, if you do reach out to a counselor, nobody has to know except for you, that counselor and your parents (should they see the counselor with you) - that's all. Second, if you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee you there will be resentment and dysfunction in your family anyway. So long as there is, you might as well try to make things better for YOU. Third, if you do decide to speak with someone outside the family, those who love you will support you through that; anyone who doesn't support you through it isn't really your family anyway. For me, ignoring it didn't work. I just bottled up my anger and still carry a lot of it with me. I never reached out and talked to a counselor or went to the police and I regret that now. I should have done everything I could FOR MYSELF once it became clear my parents would do nothing for me. I resent them to this day (I'm 31 now) for not protecting me and I think a lot of our family dysfunction stems from that fact.You sound like a lovely intelligent young lady. I'd hate for this to drag on longer than it needs to and have it still affect you negatively as an adult, like it does for me. You need to do everything in your power to protect YOU, since your family isn't doing that for you. I urge you to make one appointment with a school counselor. It's one step; and your family doesn't even need to know about it - not yet anyway. See what the counselor has to say - whatever is said is only between you and them. Then take it from there, a step at a time. Hugs to you,-S
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all I want to say sorry that you have been through this aswell and I hope everything is okay with you now :].
I have told my mum about all of this and she defends him all the time and treats me as if im a over-exaggeative child. I've also told her before that if she wont do anything about the situation I will and call childline, she told me that if I do that all the family will resent me and that I break up the family, So I'm at a loss of what I can do.
The problem with the lock is
1. my brother tried to kick my door in so it doesnt shut properly and he is the only one who can fix it and refuses to as he says I'm a selfish, lazy bitch so why should he.
2. I already have a lock...only problem is its on the outside and its what my brother fitted so he has all the keys to it and we dont know anyone else who can do it, I'm sure he would find the key even if I did get one anyway.
I also have found out that he did this to my other sister, he used to come in while she was in the bath and watch her, physically fight her and comment negatively on her appearence. She says that theres nothing I can do and that I just have to ignore it...
Thank you everyone for your advice and comments :]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Wow, I've been through exactly what you are going through now, right down to my brother coming into my room when I was changing. I know how angry and violated you must feel. Home is the one place where we are supposed to feel safe and when we don't feel that way, our parents are failing us. And I know how frustrating it is, because as children we have little power to do anything about it.
Unfortunately, things never got better for me, as my parents just downplayed my brother's actions or shifted the blame to me for provoking him. Looking back, I would have done some things differently to handle the situation. Here's what they are:
Get a lock for your door - one that has an actual key, not the kind with the little round hole on the outside knob, as those are easily picked with a coat hanger. If your parents won't install a lock for you (as mine refused to do), install it yourself or have a trusted friend/relative do it. You should hide a spare key outside your bedroom though, in case of emergency; just hide it well.
Next, document EVERYTHING. Write down exactly what he said to you and the date and time he said it. Photograph and date any evidence of his abuse, such as bruises and cuts. This is incredibly important.
Talk to your parents. Make sure they clearly understand that you don't feel safe or protected in your home because of your brother and that they are the only ones who have the power to do anything about it. Tell them that if they don't take action they are failing you and sending your brother the message that his abuse is acceptable. Show them your evidence (the log and pictures) so they cannot deny what he's doing. Tell them that if they don't do anything about it, you'll be forced to talk to someone who will.
If your parents don't take action to protect you, talk to a counselor at school (or though a helpline if need be). You may want to talk to a counselor regardless. Tell them what is happening and show them your log and pictures. Try to arrange a counseling session for you AND your parents, together.
As a last resort, go to the police. No one is allowed to physically assault you, not even your brother - assault is illegal. This is why recording and photographing everything is so important - that is evidence the police can use.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you peace. I understand 100% what you are going though and how this may affect your life to come, so if you want to ask me any more questions or just talk, post here again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Why dont you try having a word with a teacher at your school and explain all of the situation to them. Or is there a relative who you trust and can help. Maybe your mum has a brother or sister who could speak to them.Your parents seem unable or unwanting to see the situation as it is. He needs to be made to see that he is doing wrong. I know brothers and sisters do have fights, my eldest kids did, but nothing to this extend. Try and get a lock on your bedroom door, point out to your parents that you are developing into a young lady and dont want your brother barging in. Tell them exactly how it is and you need a safe domain. Try and be strong. I send you loads of hugs.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (26 October 2007):
 hi.
i am very sorry that you are having these problems, maybe you should talk to some one at school about this problem, a teacher or a school councilor if you have one, this is not a normal behavior for an older brother.
the physical and mental abuse you are going through must be terrible for you, my heart goes out to you, he should be protecting you and not suggesting to pose for any photos,if you have no luck at school why dont you phone the child line, they will be able to help and advise you more than i can, they are better trained towards your situation and hope they will advise you to the best course of action.
hang in there sweet heart,i now it is hard for you but do not give up there is help out there for you.
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A
female
reader, need help here i am +, writes (26 October 2007):
im sorry to hear what you are going through have you spoke to your dad about this? what you are going through is verbal and phisical abuse. have you told someone in school about this as i think you need to talk to someone about it weather its a teacher who you like or even a friend personally i would speak to either a teacher or one of your friends about this so that your friend can speak to someone about it for you because if you tell a teacher at least then they might be able to remove your brother from your house or if you want even go and live with a nother member of your family. until you talk to someone i suggest that you stay out of the house for as long as you can . mabey go out with friends after school or even stay in school for a few hours longer if this carries on call childline they will help you
i hope this problem gets sorted good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Your best option would to get audio of video recordings of any of the abuse. You could also put a lock on your bedroom door. Hang in there.
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