| A
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I have always had a fear of men. I feel like there is no way I will ever get married or have children because of it. I already feel like I will never be loved. I recently just realized that people dont make friends because of looks [I know that some people do], but their personality, which makes me scared because I dont have a personality which leads to me worrying about never getting a boyfriend. For some reason I feel like my 1st time is going to be through rape because men will see that im weak [physically and emotionally] and take advantage of that. Is there any way that I can overcome this fear? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 September 2010):
 I choose men from films and used them as my role models, when I was your age.. these guys made me feel strong and brave and safe... Paul Newman (bohooo dead now :( and John Wayne taught me that men could be kind and loving and made me feel safe and strong. Perhaps if you find men in films and TV that not only act kind and strong, but love their wives and treat them well in real life, you'll have something to challenge your mothers views.
I miss Paulie.. I so wanted to thank him for giving me so much pleasure in life.. sigh...
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 September 2010):
I know exactly how you feel sweetheart, I had the same thoughts at your age, and yes, it's because of the bad things my mum said about ALL men. Luckily I had a dad, so I knew that it wasn't true. I knew that men could be bad, but I know that so could women.
When somebody constantly tells you that men are bad, you get frightened and scared of them. This is very, very damaging. It will spoil romance for you when you get older.
The voice in your head that tells you that ALL MEN RAPE, ALL MEN ARE BAD, that's the voice of your mother. That's the pain and hurt your mother feels. It is not true, not true at all, even your mother knows this, but she's hurt and upset.
You need to look at men in the real world. Look at the men on television, look at boys your age and younger, look at your men teachers. You will see some are good and some are bad. Then take a look at women, again, some like to hurt and some like to be nice.
You need to find your own voice, you need to make up your own mind about things. If you do not control the thoughts in your head, then other people will programme your brain, and you'll be living their life, and experiencing their hurt and pain, instead of living your life and finding joy and happiness.
Anything in your brain, in your thoughts and in your emotions that seem negative, that makes you frightened and scared for no reason... that stuff is the voice of other people and you have to fight it, by finding evidence in the real world to tell you this is not true.
Things in your thoughts and mind that are positive, that make you feel happy, that make you feel courageous and brave, that give you hope and make you smile, well this is the real you, this is your own voice, this is what is real and what will help you get strong and have a happy life.
You need to find out, what is you, what do you think, what works well for you, what makes you happy. The other noise is other people's fears, these things you need to challenge, ignore and discard, they are fears and hurts which makes the whole world frightening and will cause you great unhappiness in life if you make them create the world.
Live with happiness and positivity, fear, hatred, negativity, these things you need to protect yourself against.
I wish you luck, be strong, and don't let fear of the unknown or fear from the unhappy cause you to limit your life and your interactions with people.
Babies, boys and girls, are all filled with love. You can't look at babies and say one type is evil and will grow up to hurt and rape the other one.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): The things your mom is saying, and the way she is feeling is most likely rubbing off onto you. And because there don't seem to be any men around in your life, you have no way of finding out if your mom is wrong, if men are different from what she says, and from gaining different perspectives.
No matter what experiences your mom may have had to give her this opinion of men, it does not mean the same things will happen to you. You have your own separate life, and will have your own experiences. Is there any way you could be around some guys your own age? Do you have any male friends you could spend time with? I think if you could challenge those opinions and thoughts you have about men, it might start to make a difference. If you could see that there are other types of men out there, and that most of them would not wish to hurt people, it might help. Yes, there are some men out there who are scary, but they are in the minority. And there are some scary women out there too! But not all men and women are the same.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 it's hard to tell if your "fears" are rational or irrational. if you'd been assualted it would be a rational fear. Otherwise you could be just anxious about men in general9normal) Or, you've got n irrational fear that's kinda like a fear of aliens from mars. Not all men are creepy. Most of us are scared spitless of girls and tend to be shy or evasive.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont have any brothers, my dad isn't around, and my mom sometimes talks badly about men and says that no man will ever want her and she has low confidence [as do I] and it makes me sad [and mad] when I hear her say things like that, and its made me feel the same way about men as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 September 2010):
Can you talk to your mum about these feelings. I know the fear is real, but you are young.. things will look a lot less frightening when you are older.. you will grow taller and get stronger, you will learn ways to protect yourself if you need to.
Are there any men in your life.... Is your dad around, do you have uncles or brothers?
You are frightened, but when we are frightened we need to know why. When we know why then we know how to deal with it. Lots of men are nice, lots of men are kind, but yes of course there are bad men, just like there are bad women.
Has a man hurt you, or did you see a man hurt someone else? When you talk about what frightens you, then you'll find things don't scare you so much.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): I am sorry you feel this way. I have always been scared of men too, and I also have a fear of being raped. But I know where it comes from, or at least I have a good idea. Some things I experienced in my past have contributed to my fear. Although the fear is still there, I am trying to work on it, because I understand more where it comes from.
So do you have any idea where this comes from? Have you ever had any kind of traumatic event with a man? If you are not comfortable talking about anything like that here, that is okay. But it might be worth talking to someone about it, someone you trust. Your worry that your first time will be through rape must be very distressing for you, and I think it is concerning that you think that.
Men are physically stronger than women, so I can understand that feeling of being weak next to them. But we are not weak. Us women have our own strengths and advantages. I also wonder if your confidence and self-esteem is low. That will also contribute to feelings like this.
Without knowing more, it is hard to advise. But if this is really affecting your life, then I think it would be good to talk to someone about it, and try and find out what is causing this. Once you know the underlying reasons behind it, whether it is low confidence, a past event, or something else, you will be in a better position to know what to do next to tackle it.
...............................
A
female
reader, P.Sawyer  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Ive been in the same boat as you, its not easy to trust men. Especially when you have such low self esteem. The first thing you need to do is start believing you are worthy and that you deserve to be in a happy healthy relationship. Your first time will only be through rape if you put yourself in that position. All you have to do is let your real personality shine through. Everybody has somebody out there waiting for them, you just to know that you can have a husband and children. Your still young sweetheart, anything is possible. You have your whole life ahead of you. Tell me if this helps you.
...............................
|
