A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 28, my wife is 24. We have been married for a year and have no kids (yet). We dated for five years before getting married (for school reasons). About a year into dating, we started having sex. Lots. Like three times a day. Most of the time, she initiated it. Naturally, this calmed down a bit after a while, and settled into a 1-2 times a week frequency. When we got engaged, we decided to abstain for the year before we got married, just to get that "new" feeling again. The problem is, that "new" feeling only happened for me, not her. I can count on one hand the amount of time we have had sex in the last year. She tells me all the time that she enjoys sex when we have it, but if she never had sex again she wouldn't care. She has always had a poor self image even though everyone tells her she is gorgeous, because she is. She thinks we lie to make her feel better.Even worse is she tells me that after I go to work in the morning, she gets very horny and masturbates, but on the weekends she won't touch me because she's "not in the mood". She also says that the idea of sex is disgusting (in a wet, poking, messy way), and the only way she'll do it is if she's drunk enough to ignore the "messy" parts.I love her with all of my being, and will never cheat on her. I would rather be with her and sexless than be without her. But I have a very high libido, and I know that she used to, but now it's almost nonexistent.She feels bad about this, so we have tried everything (except counseling -she has told me in no uncertain terms that that will not happen) to re-kindle the sexual flame. But nothing works, sh she has simply given up. She says that she is doomed to hate sex, and she must accept it and move on. There has to be something we can do.Help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): Thanks for your responses. @mishmash: You actually have it backwards. She was the one to suggest abstinence during our engagement. I think she read about it in one of those wedding magazines as a way to "add more spice" to married life (I guess it's an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" idea).@moon river: That might work, but we are beyond broke. This may have something to do with it. When were dating, the economy was better, and I could afford fancy dates (or dates at all for that matter). Now, my hours have been cut, and with both of us working full time, we still are barely breaking even every month. We both have been actively seeking better careers, but times is tough.@soveryconfused: She has, and there is nothing physically wrong with her.@janniepeg: She tells me that she finds me sexually attractive, and based on conversations that we have had, I highly doubt the closet lesbian idea. She is definitely not a religious person; she cringes every easter when we attend service with my family.@lovebird1: You may have a point. She has always had a poor self-image. She is 5'7", and when I met her, 115lbs. She thought she was fat. Over the last 6 years, her weight has fluctuated a bit, but never more than 15lbs. But she is definitely uncomfortable with her body. It doesn't seem to matter what anyone says. My opinion doesn't count because I'm "obligated"(her quote) to love her regardless of her waist size.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): I think her lack of libido has everything to do with that break you took: "When we got engaged, we decided to abstain for the year before we got married, just to get that "new" feeling again"
I don't know how this break was initiated, if it was your idea, or hers, but I am going to take a guess that it was your idea as you said she was the one who most often initiated. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
I am not trying to negate the gesture, but I have trouble relating to the whole concept of born-again virginity. I just don't know how you can pretend to NOT know about a subject that you are intimately acquainted with.
You've probably heard the phrase: "Don't think of pink elephants"...inevitably you think about the thing you're trying to avoid. The more you ignore something, the some attention it occupies.
In your girlfriend's situation, since she was the one who seemed to really enjoy and anticipate sex, she probably couldn't ignore it...that accounts for the masturbation. But if she couldn't ignore her sexual needs and she couldn't express them with you, she resorted to changing the way she thought about sex in general so she didn't have to feel she was missing out.
It became dirty. It might also account for why she is reluctant to go to a therapist; she's used to ignoring it, she's avoid indulging her positive feelings for sex for a whole year for the sake of your marriage, and now she doesn't particularly want to address it directly. She might even think talking about it might cause the marriage to fail.
I'm not really sure what's going on in your girlfriend's but I'll give you two examples of things that could have gone wrong during this year break:
-She associated marriage with sexless-ness.
-She associated her postiton and role as a wife as someone who constantly demonstrates sexual restraint...Now, as a proper "wife", she isn't sure how to be openly sexual.
She sounds ashamed of it and perhaps it's something she doesn't feel comfortable talking about with you. For instance, telling you when she masturbates and then refusing you on the weekends sounds rather passive aggressive to me. She might resent you for what happened.
I would consider asking her to go to therapy alone...that way she can open up about it and work through it without having to restrain her feelings.
OP, these are all guesses on my part...I could be way off base, but please feel free to correct me or add information. It sounds like a tough situation for you and for her.
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A
female
reader, moon river  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 Maybe start taking her on dates or doing thoughtful stuff to seduce her :) I know that would do the trick for me if things were getting samey
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 April 2011):
 has she spoken to her GYN about this?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 She is very young, so she may not know what sexual attraction means. She may not have any men to compare to you. There is a saying you don't know what you don't know.
She was initiating sex before because there was infatuation, enough juice for her to free herself to you. After the excitement died down she doesn't see you the same anymore (maybe).
The thing you try is to ask if she's attracted to you. If she closes down on the topic of sex, then it's time to see a counsellor to work out her issues. I think that abstinence is a perfect excuse to hide whatever issue she has. Maybe she is a closet lesbian.
A lot of people would rather die than be in a sexless marriage.
The last possibility, although weird, is that she is an evolved person, she evolved above the animalistic, earthy passion and wants to work on her spiritual side of herself, and also saving humanity from greed and lust, that kind of thing. If this is what God wants for you, then it could work out. See if you can channel that sexual energy into creativity, like art, or charity.
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A
female
reader, lovebird1  +, writes (7 April 2011):
Hi there,I feel sorry for you both. Since you guys won't go to counseling - which maybe wouldn't be a bad idea after all - you will have to sort it out together. The bad thing about these kinds of problems is that they tend to get worse when you try to figure it out but fail together as a couple. It puts a lot of pressure on you both. I went through a stage in my life where I would masturbate when I was alone but was unable to have sex with others, because I felt ugly and dirty. It also had to do with me being a squirter and not knowing at that time what squirting was, being very ashamed of this and thinking this was a kind of incontinence. I got over it now :)I wouldn't judge her for masturbating, because this is at least a sign of her sexuality being still alive. I think it's important to stay in touch with one's own sexuality and rather good for fighting lack of libido.Why did she start to find sex ugly when before, she obviously liked it? Something must have changed in that year, or in her mind.Did she gain weight? Did something happen between you two? Did you try out something that she found gross? Did you change in any way? Did her religious views of sexuality change?I hope you find a way together and wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, Partyboy123 +, writes (7 April 2011):
 Hey, I did a search on "libido", and I was looking for things that talk about a decreased libido, found this:"A person who lacks a desire for sexual activity for some period of time may be experiencing a hypoactive sexual desire disorder or may be asexual. There are many factors which reduce a person's desire for sexual activity, and these can be psychological or physical."more info for your wife, "http://health.msn.com/health-topics/sexual-health/womens-sexual-health/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100186622"thanks to google, i think we may have something...hope i helped
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