A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question for men or women, whether you have cheated, or cheat, or never cheated:I am not sure if I want to be in love. I mean, I enjoy being loved and to love, but it seems that every man I was with had a tendency to cheat or lie, or even some girl friends of mine do that. It makes me feel that it is inevitable. If I was told that every man would cheat, no matter how much they love me, then I'd rather not fall in love. I don't want to tolerate lies and I enjoy being honest to the ones that I love. Am I being a perfectionist? Am I asking for something that doesn't exist in this world? I just want to love, I want a simple relationship, without lies. I don't usually ask for anything in a bf, like my gfs they all want good looking bfs, or someone who can provide them with a stable life, in terms of money, or some of them want to get married and have kids... they want a family of their own.I don't, I just want to love, and enjoy being loved by a person who shares the same beliefs in love. This is the only thing I ask for... but how come it seems to be so hard... I feel as if every one wants to take advantage of other people in relationships, I feel as if every one is just trying to ask for something else besides "love" itself... please correct me if I am wrong? I am not trying to argue here or anything, I just want honest feedback... because I want to know if anyone feels the same like I do? Or is the thing I want too unrealistic?? I'm devastated when I realized many others are not looking for the same thing like I am... I feel so alone... wanting something that doesn't even exist... I enjoy communicating freely with friends or my partner, because it just makes me feel very satisfied. Maybe I am an outcast, I feel I cannot connect with many people these days... I feel many are settled and satisfied with whatever they have... am I being too stubborn? I just want to stand strong for something that is so important to me, and that is, love itself, I just want to love. Or maybe it's only my own definition of LOVE, other people have their own definition so I can't say they are wrong. But I can't help but to feel a little offended whenever friends or bfs start telling me whatever I am looking for isn't realistic. I know the consequences... I know it will be lonely if I don't have anyone to love for the rest of my life, so I am not complaining to any of them about whether I have a man to love or not... I am fine with it.. it's just that I am so different than they are and they feel they need to criticize my thinking... though "being lonely" is not what I want deep down in my heart, I just want to find "the one"... should I stick to my beliefs and wait for that someone special? Believe me, I tried to love someone with different "beliefs" in love, but it's just so painful and exhausting to feel so alone in my own world, because I feel these people who I feel so important and close to me, don't understand me?Any advice would be appreciated... thanks in advance.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (30 May 2013):
If you dont want to be with the person you're with, then make a break, THEN move on to someone else.
To me, there is no gray area here. If you are with someone or are married, sexual contact with another is cheating, plain and simple. Because of convenience (read laziness), many feel its just fine to move to someone else while they're still with someone. Its not. Take care of the relationship you're in before you move to another one, for everyone's sake.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): Men and women cheat for various reasons and will convince themselves (and try to convince others) that their actions and choices were/are justified and acceptable excuses for why they did it. What a bunch of BS. Sometimes it has to do with a person's maturity level and understanding what the consequences could or would be. Some cheaters simply lack empathy or compassion for others and would never allow themselves to get close enough to one person. Others can only be in relationships that remain in that state of bliss and excitement and when it wears off, they are off seaking it again with no regard to anyone but themselves. Cheaters are weak, usually lacking in confidence and don't typically have high values or morals they practice daily. Look, cheating is a choice, and it's a concious one. And further, it's an easy one. It is a lot easier to convince yourself that stepping out on your partner will solve all the problems, then it is to work on, fix or remove the problems. Instead, another problem is created. It really isn't rocket science or anything. If you are not ready to be in a committed relationship, then simply do not get into one just to be with someone in the first place. If you find yourself drawn to someone else when you have committed yourself to another, figure out why that is and what you can do to change it or the steps you need to take to end it. Cheaters just don't want to do the work. Cheating does not fix anything. It's only a temporary fix or solution. It gets you out of what you are trying to avoid and makes you feel like a king or queen once, and then again and again, but the rest is all still there, like alcohol or a drugs. Some just end up in that state all the time.There ARE plenty of people who believe in being faithful and doing the right thing. Whether it's their upbringing, their faith, their morals/standards, what they expect and having clearly required from their partners, understanding how at risk they become for STD's, pregnancy, growing up and maturing, past mistake and lessons learned etc.Men and women need to learn to require more from their partners, they need to have communication and not to settle for someone just so they are not alone. They need to understand relationships/marriage are work, every, single, day and not just sometimes or on holidays. People need to have self control and have respect for themselves and their partners. They need to stop blaming others for their choices. This is a tall order for a lot of people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): I don't think it's fair to say that ONLY men cheat and lie. There are plenty of women who do that.statistically women cheat less but they still do. As much as half of married couple at least once cheated. There is a difference between serial cheaters and occasional cheaters. I personally know both types. My friend's husband was a serial cheater and for him made no difference if he even liked a woman. He would go to the bar, pick up anyone who would go with him that nite. People saw him with all kinds of women, and then told his wife. It was just terrible to watch her suffer, and finally they divorced. I know also several women and men who cheated because of the perfect situation they were in. It was either traveling far away from home. And they felt lonely, or it was occasional very very rare passionate nite that was over in a morning, and no one saw each other anymore. Lots of people cheat, but also lots of people don't. I am sure there is a guy out there who share your views on it, just be patient.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): I'm the OP here but I don't know how to verify my identity because I don't have an account here.
Thanks for all the replies! Yes it is indeed sad to feel you are the only one who want an honest and loving relationship. I never said cheaters are all wrong, but let's define "cheaters" here. To me, IMHO, cheaters are the ones who lie to their partner (the one that they love) on purposely in order to do something exciting and fun in a selfish way. I think there are many types of "cheaters" out there, who want different thing from their affairs, maybe sex, love, excitement, attention, emotional needs, revenge, understanding from a different person than their own partner, and happiness that their partner can't give or refuse to give, or simply just want a way out from a devastating, or abusive (either or both mental or physical). We all have different needs. So can I say any of us wrong? I don't know that's why I am looking for answers from different people.
To me, I am disgusted by the chronic liars who constantly lie to their other half (but they actually love these people) to gain more love from them, they put up a fake mask so their partners can think they are genuine and loving, but in the back they do all sorts of dirty things, one night stands and other affairs just for fun, for attention, sex... etc. Because you don't have the right to not let your partner know who you really are, they SHOULD decide whether you are good for them or not!!! Maybe it's just me, I prefer to let people know the real me then to decide if I am right for them, and I hope people can do the same back to me, BUT I just realized most of the people are selfish. I hate people who pretend to be so loving but they are actually another person underneath... it's so hurtful when you find out, and it's like they are telling their partners that they are NOT ENOUGH, that they need to satisfy their other needs from different people WHILE the partner is extremely loyal and believe in them (or their lies).
I don't understand how people can be so selfish and how can you do such hurtful things to the one you claim you love? I can never do that. These people are not the worst, however, the worst ones hate you doing these (lying, cheating) but they are actually doing the same thing themselves. These people enjoy controlling other people, they are usually manipulative in nature, try to brainwash you into someone else and make you feel they are the best. Maybe they have low self-esteem or sth... I don't know... And make you fall in love with them, gain your love day by day, then at the end, they are just another liar in your life... it hurts so bad while you put all your trust into someone but they are the one that are not worth your trust... how ironic.
I was in an abusive (mental) relationship and he cheated on me with his ex for many times and I loved him very much so I tried not to say a word when I felt his ex was wayyy too close with him. He abused my trust totally and at the end I realized I was so dumb to believe him to an extent that I would even feel bad for his ex because he told me she still loved him but he didn't so she kept hanging on to the relationship, he used my trust for his own benefits but at the same time, it hurt me! How can a human do that??? And his ex also knew that!! I couldn't trust him and I couldn't forget how much that had hurt me, and he got upset for me not being able to trust him afterwards no matter how painful it is to me to just try to trust him, he said he has been doing so much to make up for his faults. Stress and worries every day, and he did it again and again after I gave him chances because I still tried to believe that this relationship was worth it. Until one day I completely lost trust in him, and I wasn't happy, or satisfied at all... every day I felt like a crazy woman suspecting this and that, and he even had the guts to say I am being jealous... I wasn't like this at all before I found out about his affairs, I was a very trusting person, and he was blaming me for his own fault... but I still cared about how he thought of me... that's why I said it was an "abusive" relationship for me for years, and I changed.
At that time, my friend told me that he loved me for years and I started to have feelings for him. And we started chatting online every day for hours. It was like I finally can communicate to someone who actually listen, or care whatever I say, without being selfish. At that time, I already said "break up" with my bf but he ignored and hung up on me... because every day we argued like mad people. I just can never agree with his selfish way of thinking. So another man telling me he got feelings for me seemed to come just right in time. I was so into this new relationship (no sex, just chatting), and then my bf found out and called me a liar!!! AND a cheater!! He said I on purposely told him to break up so I can get together with another man! I WAS SUPER PISSED because this relationship hurt me sooooo bad so I had to break up and he said I did it for another man!!!!! I was so mad that he didn't even try to understand my pain after everything he put me through, he didn't know he was wrong, or maybe he just didn't admit he was THAT wrong, but to me, he was. He didn't even know why I needed another person, in his mind, he thinks "cheating" with another person means you want to lie to your current partner and have some fun with other people. But in my mind, I knew so well I was not happy being with him at all. So was that cheating? I asked myself many times, and I still think it wasn't cheating. He kept saying I had double standards... but I never wanted to keep the previous relationship and I also told him I wanted to break up. He just couldn't accept it. And when he found out that I fell in love with another man, he was mad like hell. But then he did these to me many times before without thinking for one second how much pain he put me into. I wonder how he can actually feel mad about me just having feelings or chatting with a man (no sex).
Reason I started this post is I want to know if ex-cheaters can become loyal again? Do they still lie as long as you don't find out? Even if you always suspect and confront them? I am so lost, and I just really want to believe cheaters can change, as they age or somethings happened to them... etc. Or maybe they will never change, they will lie to the end of time? I don't know, I just want to be in a simple relationship where I can love wholeheartedly without having to worry that person will be gone someday. I just want to find someone like myself. But I just feel men are built like that, they just always seem to need sex from different people, no matter how much they love you, that's their definition of love. Because sometimes I feel my bf loves me more than I love him, although his "love" is selfish and he has double standards on many things... sometimes I can never do something he does for me. so i am very confused.
Sorry I wrote A LOT, because I never really put these into words or told any friend about what I feel for a long time. But this has been depressing me for months.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (28 May 2013):
 I totally agree being in both ends the on cheated on and the cheater. I see both sides of the augument clearly. It's shocking that people don't even intend ti be faithful. Its men and women but mostly man whores. In culture its accepted it's a good thing for men to behave like young teenage boys. Then the women is sad or don't even know whats going on and everybody else does. A long time ago women out up with the cheating behavior. Now women don't deserve or need to put up with being disrespected. Its a sad but true reality. I love money God and I still love family and other people also. Remember there someone for everyone. You just have to get out to meet them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): I know exactly how you feel, I share your views and beliefs. I don't think there is men that won't lie or cheat. It feels as if they are made up of just that. I also just want love and honesty but I have never met a man that is willing to be truthful and that don't cheat. I thought my present husband were the perfect one, just to find out the opposite after we got married. I regret ever falling for that thought. I regret believing all his promises because it was lies all the way. To me it is so sad that people are like that. I guess if you are not like that you won't understand, because I really don't. I can't see how do you do things like that to someone you love. I would say you must first and foremost prepare yourself for reality, that there is a very good chance that your man will cheat on you and that whatever he is telling you you will question at some stage. And if you have made peace with that you can settle for whomever you love. (All my bfs and both my first and second husband cheated on me and is constant lairs)
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