A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 22.He is the best boyfriend I've ever had and my family loves him and thinks so, too. I'm his first girlfriend. He treats me so well that I never have any doubts that he loves me. I love him very much and we're each other's best friends. All the same interests, and sense of humor. We met on OkCupid and we were a 96% match lol. Also, because he is so trustworthy, I've been able to have deep conversations that I've never been able to have with any other guys before him, and I spend the night with him a few days a week (and I've never spent the night with any other guy before him). But, I have a jealousy problem. He doesn't act inappropriate with other girls, doesn't check them out or text other girls, etc. But I have jealous feelings lingering because of a couple girls from before we met, and from comments he made to me months ago that still bother me. When he was in high school, he had a crush on one girl for 4 years. She didn't want a relationship with him, but she made him a valentine and he kept it on his wall for a long time (doesn't have it anymore though). His friends always made fun of him for liking her because she's black and he's white. So during high school, he made a joke song about it (he likes making music), and showed it to me when we started dating, thinking that I would find it funny. But it actually really bothered me, and still does. I don't even know her name or what she looks like but I feel so jealous about her that I don't want to know her name or know what she looks like because I know I would constantly compare myself to her. There is another girl that also makes me feel jealous: his coworker. He briefly dated her before he met me, but they have nothing in common so he broke it off after only a couple dates. They still work together but don't talk at all. She knows he has a girlfriend, and she even told him she thinks I'm pretty. But I have a lot of bad dreams about him cheating on me with her or falling in love with her (even though I know he wouldn't cheat on me in reality).I also get bothered by comments he has made, even if he made the comments months ago. For example, a long time ago he said "Asian girls are always cute", and that still bothers me to this day.I know I have insecurity problems, and my jealousy doesn't make any sense to me, because I've had plenty of other relationships before him, but he's never had an actual girlfriend before me! I haven't talked about my jealousy (possibly retroactive jealousy?) problem with him because it just seems ridiculous. But he always wants me to talk about things that bother me, and that has definitely helped us have a happy relationship, and is one of the reasons I love him so much. So should I talk to him about this even though I'll sound crazy? And how else should I deal with my excessive jealousy? Thanks for your help!
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (22 January 2015):
Eh, it doesn't sound too excessive to me. It sounds like a young, inexperienced (yes, don't take offense but you are still inexperienced despite having previous relationships) woman who is experiencing natural territorial feelings towards the first man she has ever really loved.
Some of this will go away with experience, and the realization that everyone has a past. The rest, in my opinion, can be handled via lots of positive self talk. That is how I personally overcame it.
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