A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help needed Understanding my feelingsHi, what a tangled mess I have got into....I live with my fiance of 10 years and 2 of my kids aged 7 and 4.I met a girl 14 years yonger than myself 3 years ago and we clicked, im 38 now. We have so much in common but I kept saying to myself dont be silly is rose tinted glasses, trouble is they are still on!We have split up a few times as I feel I cant put my little girls through a breakup and I hate thinking of my fiance getting upset but I also hate my lover being upset too. We went 6months without contact then we met up and it was like we neva had a day apart.When im with my lover I feel alive and its not just the sex as we meet up more often just for a hug, cuddle and we talk, we dont stop talking and times goes too fast. we do have sex and great sex we both like to try new things. we txt about 15 times aday and chat on the phone every day and meet up at least twice a week, id like to more but I cant without being noticed.I go home and when im with my Fiance I feel sort of complete/safe? we still have sex but its not great sex, I have tried to spice things up but I feel its not working. I feel so upset that i have cheated on my fiance but cant seem to help myself. I find things she does windes me up at times and dont think im truley happy, but she is such a loverly girl someone you can trust 100% I know she loves me dearly and I have had many sleepless nights and cried my heart out.I tried eneding things with my fiance but I couldnt, I even told her about what I did, she went ape as you would expect and walked out for about a day then said we can get through this but every time I go out I get 100 questions I have lost the trust and Im not allowed to forget what I did as most days she snaps something to me about her!My lover and I have had many chats bout our feelings and many rows recently, she says im stringing her along and will never leave my fiance, I can see her point but I feel I need more time to sort out my head. I know 3 years sounds long but we have had months where we dont contact. The time apart was because at first we tried to do the "right thing"Things have got worse now as my lover is pregnant with my child, we talked about what we should do she said my choice im keeping it, anyway scan shows a little boy now I feel even more torn. I wanted one of each and never got my boy.I feel so embarrased my parents will be so dissapointed in me but I also feel worried about my lover and what will happen when my Fiance finds out, will she leave me or take my girls from me? I know I messed up bad and cant belive or ever thought I'd be one of these people who got in such a mess but I guess shows u cant judge till you been there!I guess im looking for some ideas to untangle my feelings so I can go one way or another and let myself and both these women move on with or without me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI keep looking at all this from so many different angles & I'm as confused as ever.
I had an offer at the weekend to pop back to bed from my partner she made it very clear what she wanted & I pretend not to get the hint & carried on with my plans of washing the car, what is wrong with me? I know if it was my lover Id been naked & with her in seconds.
Im finding I don't find my partner sexually attractive anymore I wish I did, what does this mean? Do I feel this way because I love my lover or just a sub concious way of shutting out the guilt?
I fancy the pants of my lover & have done for quite some time but am I thinking straight?
If I choose my lover I feel guilty that im hurting my partner, worried what it will do to my girls & if they spend most of there time with there mum I will miss them badly.
I have told my partner that my lover is pregnant she is extreemly upset as you can imagine but she still wants us to move past this but on one condition I have notthing to do with my Son to be and never contact my lover again.
How can I do this to him, its not his fault?
I feel so torn between doing whats right for me and ereryone else.
Has anyone ever felt this way before, Please help me make sence of my feelings as I need to make a choice and very fast.
I know I am in this mess of my own doing, people keep telling me If I loved my partner I would never have done this to her, I dont fully agree! People also tell me that I would not have done this if I was happy, its true my lover are on a much more suited sexual level & yes I have spoke to my partner about what is missing long before I found my lover and even though she tried it just didnt do it for me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Thanks for your update.
The reason you are sooo worried when your lover goes out is this: u know u cannot and should not trust her. Bottom line, she is untrustworthy. Look at this: she deliberately fell pregnant just to have u by the balls and forcing u to make a decision. When she goes jolling without u u are so panicked that she will be Fing around with someone else also. Is this the kind of life u want for yourself? Always doubting, always mistrusting. As u know your lover has been mostly dishonest for so long, do u think she can change her cheating ways?
Just the avbove reason is enough to make any sane man run for the hills from an untrustworthy person.
See if u cannot see yourself faithful to your wife then it is time to get the hell out of her life. Simple. No fuss. No drama. And then stay the hell away and deal with your lovers cheating ways.
The sooner the better. Your wife seems like a decent woman don't worry she will get over you. Fast!
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for taking the time to read my problem and take the time to reply.
The pill, yea I know how it works like if your on certain medication or if you are sick or loose you need to take extra precautions for 7 days, she explained to me the same so I thought I could trust her like I have done fully for years with my partner, we only had children after she had been of the pill for a for months, I have wondered if she missed pills by mistake or like you suggest but id like to hope not. I know she is really worried about being a single mum & says she neva wanted children till she was a few years older and in a stable relationship.
If I had to advise a friend what to do id say take some time out and think it through properly, I asked my partner if we could do this last night & she said no as it wont help her as all she will be thinking is im with my lover so I cant win.
I know most of you out there think how could you. I know this because I used to think the same, all I can say is you neva know untill it happens to you I thought I would neva be so stupid and I am angry with myself big time.
I need to put my life back in order & by the sounds of things support my new child to be. My problem is I cant move forward as I dont know which direction to take.
My 2 girls mean the world to me & im sure im holding back being with my lover because I want to do the best for them but i also care for there mum so im not here just for them, I am beleive it or a careing person at heart and dont want to hurt anyone, I know I have to and its very hard not only as it effects my life but so many others.
I know I can stay here & hopefully fix things & hope my partner lets me see my new child but will I be happy?
When ever we go anywhere I keep thinking my lover would love this ans I miss her deeply but then I look ay my partners face happy & I think I cant do this to her.
When my partner goes out I dont worry if she is up to no good or not Im not sure because I trust her fully or just not that bothered but when my lover goes out clubbing I worry sick she will find someone else I dont sleep untill she txt to say she home ok, does this mean I love her, not trust her or worried I wont have a choice?
IS there a way of working out what things mean deep down so I can understand what is going on im my head?
Thanks again to past and future posts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): I don't want to come off attacking you, however as a man you should know that when a lady is on the pill, there are precautions that say if you miss your pill you can take it later. Now true there is a chance but all of my girlfriends have discussed this and we've gone 5 days and made up for taking the pill! I honestly think you should consider maybe she trapped you. I know you have feelings for the two of them and true you are the one that got yourself in this situation. But I think you may love your wife, but you obviously have disrespected her in more ways than one. You don't have an easy out here. There is no answer that is going to make you feel better. You have to take the bullet. It sounds like you want someone to tell you that everything is going to work out for the best and that you were following your heart and you were in the right but no one is going to tell you that you are in the right here. It sucks, I am not trying to be cruel or not trying to see your point of view. Its just the facts of the case. If a friend had the same issue how would you advise him? Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I have already said in my question that I know i'm in this mess of my own doing, well apart from maybe someone not taking there pill on time!
We both had tests before we stopped using condoms and younger one was on the pill for 6months. She is 20 weeks pregnant so & we have been to scans.
I really do feel like I love them both but in different ways please can someone tell me how I can think through all this logically,
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): First of all, you need to take full responsibility for the situation you are in. Above you mentioned your wife winds you up, I am sure there are times you have wound her up and she didn't run out and go get pregnant by another man. This is all you! Let me tell you its going to destroy your fiancée, not only did you cheat her out of a committed relationship with someone she loves you cheated the mother of your children and have wrecked a stable environment for your children. Not only that you didn't practice safe sex. Your lucky you didn't get an STD. HIV/AIDS still has fatal results. But now you need to come clean and throw yourself on the mercy of the court, so to speak. Forgive me for saying this but how dare you take away someone's trust in others. I would have your mistress (because that's what she is) take a pregnancy test in front of you) Just to be sure. Then you are going to have to make a choice. I would say you perhaps have some issues with yourself that you did this. There is no easy answer here you have accept what has happened and now come clean and minimize any further damage you did to your fiancée. So now that I've given you my 10 cents let's get some concrete steps down.1.) Make your girlfriend take a test with you.2.) Depending on the results if it is not positive then end it immediately and get out of the first relationship with integrity then depending on how you feel for each parties asses the situation with the one you love.3.) If it is positive you need to tell your fiancée what the story is and then you need to explain to your children what you did. Then you are going to have to man up and take care of responsibilities. She may decide not to forgive you, but if that is what you want (her) just remember forgiveness is on her time and you will have to accept that. I will say that trust is going to be an issue. So if you make a promise or say you are going to do something you are going to have to keep them (there is no room for error here) you are going to have to be Prince Charming and Dad of the year so she can at least see that you are committed to working things out. Good Luck!
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