A
female
age
30-35,
*aye123456789
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, he is practically perfect, he treats me, he doesnt go in moods, hes not possesive, but i am so sick of him! I dont know whats wrong with me, i really love him but im not attracted to him, i think its really affecting the relationship, hes really starting to irritate me and thers no 'spark' anymore! I dont know what to do to make it better, or if we are better splitting up? I know he would be devastated if we split up and i think i would be a bit upset, i dont know if i could handle it, but i dont know whats for the best, please help!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): I have exactly the same problem. My boyfriend is perfect, he adores me, treats me outrageously good... But I don't feel the same as before about him anymore, and I really don't want to dump a really great guy for a stupid reason...
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 And suddenly he doesn't sound as perfect anymore, does he? Why did you call him a perfect boyfriend when in fact he doesn't know how to turn you on in bed, or he knows but just stopped doing it... lazyness? And doesn't know how to save money (thats a red flag for the future), he purposefully irritates you and makes fun out of it... sounds horribly annoying.
Everyone will have little defaults, or bullshit like a friend of mine says. She told me that it's only a matter of figuring out who's bullshit is worth putting up with.
Although it does sound like you've encountered a rut in the relationship, something that should have been nipped in the bud or never been allowed to happen in the first place. The solution for needing space and time on your own is not to force him to get back to his mom's place. The solution is you tell him "hun, I need alone-time". Every individual could use some alone-time now and then, some need it more than others. But typically we all want at least some amount purely to ourselves to be able to hear ourselves think. Tell him so. Don't force him to leave, but say that the space you live in has driven you bonkers, you need alone-time, and that means either you get a room of your own where you can stay undisturbed for no matter how long you please, or he goes to his mom for the weekends to give you some space.
The irritating you on purpose: tell him to stop it? Why won't he?
Sex sounds like it's gone from fun to chore long time ago. It's a problem married couples usually experience. Rediscovering the spark in the bedroom is a field of its own, and you could probably get some good ideas by looking into that.
A relationship is WORK. You can not sit on your ass and expect things to be perfect forever without you contributing emotionally, physically, and in all aspects of what is important to a relationship. You can't lay around waiting for him to turn you on. You got to find your pleasure in turning him on, remember what sex is about! It's about being intimate with each other, enjoying each other, being close. You can do that by giving each other a massage, or take a shower together, so why focus so much on the S.E.X with capital letters. That only stresses you out. Just stop when you feel you can't go further, or when something ruins the mood, but end it with a nice thought: you spent an intimate moment together. There is nothing negative about that, and nothing that is possible to fail with either. So you didn't have intercourse, or it didn't work just the way it used to when you were first in love. But getting a relationship back up on track from a rut is a lot more work than keeping a relationship running smooth. And only seeing problems and being negative is certainly not going to help. See the positive instead.
However, it will matter none if you alone try and work things out. If you want to see if there is something left to save, and if he's a good guy and you love him then this could be worked out... but then he needs to put in a lot of effort as well. Sounds like he's gotten lazy. When was the last time he tried to please you without expecting anything in return? Be that in bed, but also in other areas?
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A
female
reader, Faye123456789 +, writes (10 February 2011):
Faye123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou very much for your advice,I get all that, that I need to appriciate him ect, and i do appriciate him, i do realise how special he is, but we live together so I feel like i dont have any space, I have tried to talk about him moving back to his mums for a while so i can sort my head out but when i do he flips and makes me feel guilty.By me saying im not attracted to him I mean the sex is boring, and he doesnt really turn me on anymore, if he does it takes a very long time! I know this may sound silly but i feel like hes not "the one" this may sound abit nieve i know but to think that there isnt someone out their who matches me perfect is quite dissapointing! yes he is perfect but i find him boring, we talk but we dont have big conversations, i feel like we dont have any adventure! I cant really explain why he irritates me, its little things he does, like things that he knows irritate me, he will do it and laugh and say "oh im only winding you up" and im like why would you do that if you KNOW it winds me up, he is also very weird with his money, he gets quite a good wage and gets paid monthly, but about 2 or 3 weeks after he is paid he has no money and all we can do is stay in and it fustrates me! im a very organised person, and i have sat down with him before and worked out how to organise his money, when we did this we worked out aall the things he would NEED to spend his money on, like travel, food, cigs, etc. and he was left with a decent amount per week but then it just seemed to go! and he had no explanation of it! i dont really understand it! hes a chef so he works quite a lot its not like he has time to go out and spend it so i dont understand! I realise this might ssound selfish but i honestly do not mean it to, if he were to have somethhing to show for having no money, e.g. like he bought clothes for himself then i wouldnt have a problem, but he doesnt it just seems to go!I feel like he isnt "smooth" which obviously isnt his fault but in the bedroom, it does get annoying as he constantly kills the mood and we end up giving up!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 February 2011):
I think you've fallen into the trap of taking him for granted. Or the relationship is over and he's not what you need. What do you mean you're not attracted to him? He doesn't turn you on anymore? The sex had gone bad?
However.. perfect boyfriends are RARE. Do not think that you can easily find a new one. It's really hard to find a person who treats you well and matches your personality, makes you happy and you get along with perfectly. Why on earth you'd be sick of something like that is beyond me.
I think it's more likely you're not sick of him, but of something you think he symbolizes, or something else in life that you are sick of. Perhaps you feel trapped, stuck, locked down, bored with life, stagnated etc.
Freshen up the relationship and your life. If you love him, and he's a perfect boyfriend.. then hold on to him for dear life. Don't take him for granted, don't just assume he's gonna stay around and wait for you. If you let him go it will take two seconds and he's gonna be with someone who actually appreciates him. Great for him, but it'd suck for you to be the one standing alone missing him.
Take a vacation or travel to some relatives and get a breath of fresh air away from your guy. Talk to other women about their boyfriends. Read on dearcupid.org about all the horrible guys out there. Flirt with some sleazeballs at a pub. You'll soon come to realize just how lucky you are, and appreciate it.
Remember that you are not defined by your relationship, you are still you own person and are free to do what you want to do! If you feel limited, then you are the only one limiting yourself. Go out and have some fun and bring joy back into the relationship.
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male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (10 February 2011):
The same old new story.In the end and after breaking up, your boyfriend will change his view on women forever, and you will find yourself in love with a man who treats you badly. You may regret what you have done to your former boyfriend, but by then it is too late.I'm sorry for being harsh, but it usually happens this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): What is the reason you don't want to be with him? Did he do something and/or is there a big stress in your life? Work, school, or something? What is the relationship like, daily? I'd love to give you some deep input, so please elaborate.
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