A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I recently met a guy. He is 33, good job, we get on well. however, he has a kid with his ex - the kid is only 1.5 years old. He was with his ex for over 4 years. I don't have any experience dating someone with a kid before and do not have children myself. The practicalities I am happy to take on (i.e. this is a guy who will need to put child care first and I will need to accept that). What concerns me is:1) That the relationship with his ex broke up so soon after starting this family. This guy could just be a flake or prone to bolting if the going gets tough.2) He has expressed that he did not think he really liked kids before his son arrived but he really enjoys spending time with him.I did feel he spoke about his son in quite an emotionally distanced way.. but perhaps just because I am a new person in his life. It is possible that he became a dad unplanned, and once he adjusts, may decide to go back to his ex. They are sharing child care 50/50 and seem on very good terms.3() I think it is so sad for children to grow up in broken homes, and that you should work through problems if you have children as much as possible. I did not realise I felt so strongly until now about this! I would have to back out if there was any chance they could work things out. The kid is already showing behavioural issues Im guessing due to the instability he is having to experience.3) I have a history of attracting flakey guys (and yes, they have hurt me) and I wonder if this is why I have chemistry with this guy?Maybe Im just being a bit paranoid... but keen to get a second opinion. what do you think? Any experience dating a dad with a young kid before?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): My stepdaughter is 2, so I know how you feel. There was a point when Itried my honest hardest to convince him to stay with her mom...but they really were not meant for each other. The feelingof being a homewrecker has gotten fainter but hasn't yet gone away. At first her mom hated me but as of now we're actually close to being good friends. Anyway, no it doesn't mean he's a flake...but you need to have him explain in detail why theybroke up. It won't be a fun convo, but you need to hear it. For me, that was the point wwhen I was able to accept that despite their young child, they shouldn't be together. However if the reason he gives is something silly like them having a fight over something small... you might take that as a flakey sign.
Also it is concerning to me that he seems emotionally detached from his son. That in combination with him moving on so quickly is not good for his son! My husband has always put his daughter first, and she is the joy of his life, watching her with him be so happy helped me not to feel like I was contributing to her development in a bad way. Your man however sounds like he may be so caught up with you that his son is being seconded, make sure that is not the case...for the baby's sake.
Lastly, women change during pregnancy and afterward for a brief period of time...if you want children in the future, make sure you can feel certain he didn't leave his ex for something that was related to the hormonal changes that were beyond her control!
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 March 2014):
Dear OP,
I have never dated a guy with a little child, so my advice here is limited.
I can only give you an opinion.
The points 1-3 that you listed don't indicate "flakyness" to me. Relationships break up, even with kids, even if both parties try hard to stay together. Sometimes, people just aren't compatible enough to raise children and they aren't smart enough to realize that in advance. That's life. No one can be sure this won't happen to them.
Also, I would believe a lot of grown up men never feel the desire to spend time with kids that aren't their own and have to get accustomed to all the childcare and work that goes along with being a parent.
What speaks for him, in my opinion, that he also shares child care with his ex and stays on good terms with her. This might indicate a rather amicable nature, someone who is willing to make compromises, not see everything as black and white, also taking responsibility for his actions and forgive.
I would highly appreciate those qualities in a man. Far better than having a hateful, bitter cynical person who rants about child support and his witch of an ex. My experience (modest experience, but still) is that people who get along with their exes are often better at forming new bonds. They won't project their hatred and fear onto you, because they don't harbor any.
I don't believe that we necessarily repeat the same mistakes all over again, we can learn from the past. Also, I bet that every woman has attracted a flakey guy at least once, the art is to learn when to say "no".
Define what you want and don't want in a relationship and don't just agree to everything until you discover the "true" nature of your partner. Put him to the test by addressing your needs and boundaries early on. If he's a good guy he'll respect them, if he's flakey he won't.
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