A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I need some really good advice. I am currently engaged and getting married in one month. But I need to know if my fiance's behavior, outlook is normal on sex.I love her with all my heart. I am kind, loving, gentle with her. I spoil her rotten, even she says that. She loves it and our relationship is really great. I have no doubt in my mind I can commit to her for the rest of my life. Here's the deal. She isn't too big on making love. I will admit maybe I am too forward on that. If it were up to me, we would make love every single day. I love feeling so close to her. And yeah, I love sex. At first I was too pushy, and even on days when she felt bad I would still want to. I apologized.(If my stomach hurt or I was tired after a long day i would still want to. But i understand a woman feels differently. And a lot of factors go into whether she is in the mood or not.)But I feel like our love life is always planned. Sometimes, she just says she isn't in the mood. That perplexes me. We are engaged, about to get married. I know other couples have sex all the time. 2 or 3 times a day, every day. But with her, once every other day is enough. But its not even that sometimes. Lately, its like one day yes, one day no. And when its more than one day and I tell her I miss her and want her, she says, "you act like we haven't had sex in months. It's been 2 or 3 days." And makes me feel bad for wanting it. It isn't even so much how often but that it's planned.She always wants to take a shower before, and it can never be spontaneous. Always, in a bedroom.I love her so much and I have never told her no, when she wants to make love. But she does tell me no sometimes. And sometimes, it's not because she feels sick but simply because she's "not in the mood". How can she not be in the mood? we are both young, and engaged. Shouldn't this be the stage where we cant get enough of each other?She is older than me. She is 26 and I am 23. For ex, last night. We were taking a shower together last night and she said, "I was wanting to take a break tonight..." I asked her if she was feeling sick. She said no. She just wanted a break. I told her, "I really want you tonight gorgeous, how about we take a break tomorrow?" But she just got upset. I know that's nothing really bad but imagine that all the time?I'm not sure what it is that is bothering me. I guess it's that she is the one that always decides when we do have sex and when we don't. It's always up to her. Is that right? Any advice? Am I the one with a problem here? If not, how can I confront her about this without seeming like a total jerk? Every time I bring it up, she says she can't believe I am getting mad or upset because she doesn't want to make love to me every night. Then she says that makes her want to do it less because I am causing such a big deal it's a turn off.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): What is bothering you is the fact that your soon to be wife doesn't want to have sex with you. I would accept the fact that her being like that is your future. If she is less sexual than you she may even back off more as time goes on. Soon she might want sex once a week, maybe even once a fortnight. A day might come when she just starts rejecting you all the time.
Sexual incompatability is a massive problem. You can't look at your relationship and think well everything else is perfect it is just this one small problem. NO! It is one massive problem that has the potential to drive a wedge between you.
Don't be complacent and think marriage or time will resolve this. You need to talk to her and explain that her sexual disinterest hurts you. The problem is that there probably isn't a solution as your higher sexual interest probably hurts her just as her lower one hurts you.
Some people just can't tolerate a lot of sex. If she is one then you may never be able to change that. From experience it isn't something that you get used to. It gets harder and harder and harder to deal and cope with. I say sort this out as soon as you can. Explain yourself, genuinely try and understand her, go to therapy, do whatever it takes so you are both happy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): *Original poster*
One more thing. She asked if I wanted to go on a date tonight. I'm guessing she is trying to make a romantic special night?
I'm fine with that and in all honesty I am a romantic at heart. I leave her notes almost every morning when I leave for work and she is sleeping. I leave notes on her car to find when she gets out of work.
Sometimes I wash her car and when she gets out of work sees it clean, with a full tank of gas, and the oil changed. I send roses to her work every now and then for no reason.
I clean the house while she is working on my days off just so we can spend time together and she won't have to do it every once in a while. She even says I spoil her rotten and no other guy has ever treated her so good.
Do I spoil her too much? That maybe she feels like she is in control of us?
I like doing all those things because I love her. But listening to myself I do realize that I might have spoiled her too much. I need to show her I have a spine and she can't just trample all over me.
Next time it is an issue I will just tell her in a loving way what I feel. And if that's enough to get her upset and leave or something drastic like that then so be it. I won't live my entire life like that. No one should.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): I am the poster of the question:
To the first poster, that is exactly what I am afraid of. What will it be like in 20 years? Am I going to have to be begging for sex?
To the second, here are some points. One, we do foreplay and she loves it. I go down on her every single time we make love. She orgasms each time and she has even told me that I make her feel better than anyone ever has. That before, with her ex boyfriends she wouldn't orgasm each time and with me she does. So it's not a problem of foreplay.
However, she did mention once when I tried to discuss it with her that she has always been this way. And that she feels both of her ex boyfriends left her because of it. I love her to death but keep thinking maybe it is why they left her. But shouldn't that make her realize maybe, at least in that aspect, it was an issue with her? And why would she not try to fix it?
I also agree that this is the stage in the relationship where we should be having sex all the time. Just going crazy over each other. But it's like she gets it and is satisfied for a couple of days and I don't know what to do. I bring it up and either a.she gets mad and refuses to talk about it or b.I am labeled a jerk for wanting sex all the time and getting upset when she doesn't want to.
I just feel she is controlling me in a way with the sex. does that make sense?
I'm thinking of forcing myself to not have sex with her. Just suck it up and go without it for a while and when she starts to initiate it just tell her, "I'm not in the mood." Or just tell her, "I wanted to take a break today." And see what she does. Maybe she needs to see how it feels to be rejected?
IF anyone can think of a better way to confront her about this please let me know. Thanks!
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A
female
reader, DMJ2890 +, writes (2 March 2010):
This is a tough situation because a lot of women are very sensitive to this subject, but i dont think that you are wrong for feeling the way you feel. when you love someone you want to show them that and show them affection and be close to them as much as possible. i think you should find out where the problem of hers stem from. was she sexually abused? does she have an experience where sex may have ruined a relationship? this is the time in your relationship where you guys should be having sex all the time, as most people say...marriage is where this behavior usually happens. if she has a very demanding career she may very well just be tired. my advice to you is maybe to plan out a special evening and make her feel special and make it very romantic, this may put her in the mood, or maybe spice things up in the bedroom, sometimes the whole guy on top girl on top gets old. im not saying get all freaky but try pleasuring her a little bit first, foreplay goes a long way, and most women cant resist it. I hope this advice helped a little bit and i wish you both happiness in your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): I'm a 47 year old married woman, if your girlfriend doesnt want to have sex as often as you do this early in your relationship then you have a real problem. I remember pretending that I'd set the alarm clock an hour early by mistake cause it would give us time for sex before I had to leave for work. If she doesnt want you as often as you want her now what's it going to be like in 20 years? We both still like sex will you?
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