A
male
age
51-59,
*onfusion999
writes:I was married to the woman of my dreams and soul-mate for 8 years. We went through a long rough patch and she left. The rough part was a combination of; her daughter left for college, her mother died, we lost most of our savings and assets due to the economy, she was isolated from her family, she had a full hysterectomy and went into instant menopause and she became bitter towards life and loved one's all in the span of a full year. We divorced in 2008 and filed the paperwork together without attorneys or fighting. I have had two girlfriends since then, one of which I now live with and have been with for just over two years. I have never stopped loving my ex and she has never stopped loving me. We constantly text and talk and it's clear she wants me to move to her city and live together. My girlfriend knows about my ex and that I still love her. She's not okay with it but she loves me and wants me to stay. In 2010, my girlfriend suggested I go visit my wife and figure out what I wanted to do. I went to see my ex and mostly out of guilt, decided to stay with my girlfriend. I've realized that I love my girlfriend but I'm not in-love with her the way I still am with my ex. I am physically more attracted to my ex than my girlfriend.Should I leave my girlfriend for my ex? I think the answer is to man up and leave my girlfriend to be with my true love but I am looking for advice on what to do.
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male
reader, confusion999 +, writes (17 May 2012):
confusion999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the feedback. You're all correct as I know in my heart. I am working out the discussion with my girlfriend in my head prior to letting her know.
This decision will allow my girlfriend to move on and I only hope she finds someone who truly feels about her the way my ex and I do with each other. I also think I will become mentally and physically healthier having the weight/guilt lifted from my shoulders. As for my ex, time and therapy have healed the issues.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Let your girlfriend go...you are with her out of guilt and are not in love with her. She deserves to be able to go find someone who really loves her...you are holding her prisoner so you don't have to be lonely...
Let her go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): Sounds like you should leave your girlfriend and try to reconcile with your ex. However, realize that you and your ex did get divorced for a reason. Think long and hard about what is going to be different now than before. Why would things work out this time around? Or is there really no indication that things would be different, and it's simply easier to miss each other and think fondly of each other when there's a conveniently huge buffer of distance and social boundaries to protect you from each other's "issues." And that if that distance and buffers were removed due to getting back together, then the relationship would once again fall apart?
But if you want to give it a try anyway, or if you're going to be so consumed by thinking and ruminating over your ex and what could have been, then you definitely should leave your girlfriend because it's not fair to her to be in a relationship with a man who's only mentally present half the time.
Your girlfriend may love you and want you to stay, but it would be better for her if you break up with her rather than stay with her only to be pining for someone else while with her. When she says she wants you to stay , it's understood that she wants you to be hers exclusively, not to be sharing you with someone else mentally, that's not really "staying" with her.
It sounds like she was bothered enough by this that she has already asked you to even visit your ex and make a decision. So what did you do? You made the decision to continue sitting on the fence. That's not what your girlfriend was asking you to do. Remember, when she says she would like you to stay, it's understood to mean to forsake all others or push out your ex from your life and mind forever, she doesn't want you to stay with her physically while your heart and mind are still with your ex. Yet that's exactly what you did. This is stringing your poor girlfriend along, because you're claiming to her that you want to be with her and only her, yet in reality that's not true, so you shouldn't be saying it is. please don't do this anymore. You're misleading her, causing her to bark up the wrong tree. It's hurting her way more than if you had simply broken up with her in 2010 (then at least she may by now have moved on and found a new boyfriend.) Make a decision, all or nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): You absolutely need to break up with your current girlfriend, whether or not things work out in the long run with your ex is moot.
It's just not fair to your current girlfriend to be keeping her around in a relationship while you know full well that your heart and mind are not 100% with her but that there's someone else in the picture.
It may or may not work out with your ex. But that does not have any bearing on the present. The point is that at the present time you are not 100% committed to your gf therefore you should set her free so you can explore whether or not it will work out with your ex.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (15 May 2012):
 If you are having these thoughts, then it is essentially not fair to be with your current girlfriend. If you do not believe that you will ever get over your ex wife and love your girlfriend more than her, then you are wasting your gf's time. Unless of course she is happy to settle for being second in someone's heart.
If the only reason you are not with your ex is your current girlfriend, then you should break up, regardless of whether or not it works out with your ex. You gf is a rebound while you still believe that you and your ex are in love with each other still. It's not fair on your gf, I'm sure she knows deep down that you feel this, but you need to be 100% honest with her. She deserves that. Then she can make her decision, even if you won't.
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