| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I am entangled and sad. I'm still deeply in love with my former boyfriend and I don't know what to do. We have been separated for some years and we have both moved on with our lives. Although I was never able to forget about him, I got a new lover and he married his rebound girlfriend. We talked for the first time in the beginning of this year and, since then, we have been talking often. We also met a couple of times and we both experienced intense and passionated feelings for each other. I feel he is the love of my life and he says no one else has ever touched his emotions so deep. He broke up with me after a couple of years of dating. Although he doesn't regret the life he has today, he says he never stopped loving me and he tells me he regrets that he wasn't able wait for me. We worked in different cities and had to travel for some hours to be able to be with each other and he couldn't take it any longer. He tells me that he "sees" us together again, somewhere in the future because of his feelings for me and also because he doesn't feel this way for his wife though he loves her. They had just adopted a baby together. I am so confused. Will you please, aunts Bev Conolly and others give me some insight on this.
View related questions:
broke up, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): Dear Irish49,
Thank you again for the insight. It was worthwhile and some of the things made me think. However I want to reinforce the fact that hurting whomever was and is NOT my purpose.
I also would like to comment your sentence "Think of his wife and child. Is it fair to her? She's been married to him for however many years, cleaned up after him when he's sick, sacrificed with him, planned a future with him and then you come roaring back into his life and provide a contrast to his wife-something new, exciting and fun. You are intruding upon her turf"
All of those things (and more) that you mentioned above, I have done with him and for him. I lived with him for some time. We were engaged and wanted to have a future together. I would like you to keep in mind that he was NOT a fling. He was my fiancé and my beloved one, long before this new woman came in to the picture. And, I don't think she really cared about what I could be feeling since she just made her way into my ex's life in search of her own happiness. So, I am not really "something new, exciting and fun" in his life. She was.
A last thing. We didn't split up because of the lack of love, passion or because our relationship was worn out. Our separation came out of the geographical distance between us.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): You won't like this response, but here it is, anyways. You did choose to HURT other people and please be accountable for that, dear. Because the minute you knew, he had a wife, is the minute you should've said "call me when you get a divorce". Everyone should have happiness, hun..you just don't look for it with another woman's husband. No matter how you justify it, you're attacking his family unit. He has a wife and baby, that is their business and you are threatening their marriage. You aren't welcome and you don't belong. You may feel that he's your soulmate, but think again. He may be the love of your life, but does he treat you like you are his "love of his life?" A real love would not set you on the sidelines. He wouldn't allow it, let alone entice it. Think of his wife and child. Is it fair to her? She's been married to him for however many years, cleaned up after him when he's sick, sacrificed with him, planned a future with him and then you come roaring back into his life and provide a contrast to his wife-something new, exciting and fun. You are intruding upon her turf. Even if your married man decided to leave his wife and family for you, that doesn't guarantee success with you. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. If he's living this deception with you today, how could you ever trust him if you did get into a legitimate relationship with him?
You need to break off this relationship today. You'll hurt, you'll feel broken-hearted, but you'll be better off. Take some time to get really clear with yourself about who you are and what you want. The most important relationship you'll ever have in this world is the one you have with yourself. And eventually, you'll fall in love again-with someone who's willing to make you first in his life. Just my opinion dear...take ir or leave it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): Dear aunts Eyeswideopen and Irish49,
Thanks for your time and concern about my problem. However, I would like to add this: Hurting other people was never a choice of mine. I have loved my fiancée long before this other woman came in his life and those feelings never died. I have been hurting much for being away from him and I miss having him both as a friend and a lover. Why should I sacrifice my chances of being happy just because other people may end up hurt? What about my hurt? Why should I belittle my feelings? Are others more entitled to happiness than me?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): I am in agreement with Eyeswideopen. I'm not sure why you would want to remain friends with a man who lies and cheats, hun. I understand that you were lovers and friends in the past. However, when you see that someone has so little character and is acting in such an objectionable way, it's time to take a good look at yourself and say, "Why am I involved with this person in any way." You are smart, dear-you know the difference between right and wrong and you are with someone who chooses to do the wrong thing, you should voice your opinion and let him know that you can no longer be his friend because you no longer respect his behavior. As soon as you saw him coming on to you, the friendship should've ended. That would have been the right thing to do especially if you know that this will lead to an affair. But, you have kept this friendship going, knowing full well that he wanted more than that. Finally, instead of waiting until he got a divorce, you have compromised yourself and am now having an physical and/or emotional affair with a married man. That's an awful place to be. I think you should concentrate on finding an unattached male who you can admire, respect and one who has values. This type of situation hurts everyone, especially his wife and child. Instead of thinking about his own wants and desires, he should have thought about his wife and family. If the marriage couldn't work after giving it all the attention it deserved, at least a divorce would have been honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 November 2005):
 You are out of luck as long as he is married. Under these circumstances you have no business seeing him or talking to him. Let him get on with his life, he has a family now. If you pursue the matter any further you will be a homewrecker and cause terrible pain and hurt to the other people involved. Hands off and find a new "love of your life".
...............................
|
