A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i'm asking this because i'm just too confused, This girl has loved me for years, she asked me out 3 years ago, and due to my own stupidity and nervousness i turned her down, even though i had really strong feelings for her.subsequently, she went out with someone else, and throughout their relationship (18 months) with this other guy, she kept on texting/msning me.. she never said anything inappropriate, but is was clear she still liked me...anyway, she finally said that she "couldn't lose me" and so she split up with her boyfriend, but she said that she didnt want to be with me officially, as she needed time between relationships, which i accepted totally.unfortunately, i'm at university and i can't see her that often, however she's always said that she doesnt mind, and we were going really strong. She told me she totally loved me, and that i was the only one, and that she could imagine us being married and having kids, and i knew her feelings were genuineOne day, for no reason whatsoever she stopped talking to me and texting me.i asked her what was wrong and she 'needed time to sort her head out'she hasnt talked to me for two months, and i think i've annoyed her by asking what was wrong too many times.Recently I found out that she hooked up with her ex, and they planned to go away over summer.i confronted her about this, and she denied all knowledge of it, and that things between her ex and her were over, (even though it is definitely true) and has said that she wants to be with me, but she needs more time.i don't know what to think, or what to do from here. i really like her.. :( any suggestions people, im too confused!
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her ex, split up, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 Her priority isn't being fair to you; her priority is keeping all her options open. Sometimes people are so self-absorbed that they completely miss the potential harm they are doing to others. In other words, this isn't happening because you are somehow flawed. This is happening because SHE is flawed. Don't take her problem and make it yours. This is HER deal.
The more mental energy you put into her, the more frustrated and confused you will be. You cannot fix her, she will not understand that what she has done to you is not very nice. Try to move your focus to other friends and family who ARE empathetic and less selfish.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for your answers, i don't get why someone would be so unfair to me, but ah well :(
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2010):
Q, you have raised an excellent point. I have to bow to your analysis of the fantasizing. Poster, adjust my answer to reflect this insight from Q. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2010):
One more thing here. Words are cheap. ACTIONS are what tell you the real story. Judge whether or not she wants you based on her actions, not what she's said to you.
Run down the list of her actions for us. Not the words.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2010):
You were definitely plan c, the back up of the backup plan; in case plan a then plan b didn't work out. She's not really THAT into you if she didn't want to get into a relationship and then went radio silence for 2 months. She's into someone else much more than you. She may like you and have strong feelings for you and she may certainly have imagined what it would be like to be married and have kids with you. Problem is that you aren't the only one she's fantasizing about.
Sorry, but this girl has lead feet and no idea what she really wants--she's a mess. Seriously, a mess. Don't get caught up in her dramatic and nonsense here, this has already cost you 3 years.
I have known people who couldn't handle being single, so they would line up the next bf/gf (I called them 'victims') before they had the grace to break up with the current victim. She at least hasn't officially dated you, just kept you in reserve if plan a or plan b didn't work out.
If you were my friend or relative, I would be so relieved that you hadn't got actually entangled with this girl.
Run the other way! Run run run! And don't forget to cover your heart, Indy!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2010):
 When I arrived to the point of your letter when you say "she said she did not want to be with me officially " I completed mentally "and now she's back with her boyfriend ".
That was a dead giveaway- elementary Watson.
Sorry, but you were a plan B.
She denies because nobody, specially when they are young and immature, likes to admit they lied and have been selfish and manipulative.
Ans also , you know, things are never balack or white. One can like her plan b, can have feelings for him, can genuinely appreciate him- it's just that plan a is better.
Don't feel bad about that. The only way to learn in life is through experience, good or bad. Now you can move on to something better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your answer :)
why would she be so desperate and lie to me about what i found out if i was just her back-up plan?
is it the shame of it, or am i the one she wants?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Dear Poster you are confused for a reason, because this girl wants you confused. Girls are tricky, so here's how I see it; You are now her back up plan, sounds like this is a long distnace relationship and who knows what she is doing. I can tell you that having no communication for 2 month with person you say you love - not something that people in-love do. There is no real love and I suggest you look around you I'm sure there are planty of nice and smart girls around the campus. Best of Luck to you
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