A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a big question about men cheating. i want to start by admiting that not all guys do, and that i know a lot of girls do to. also, i want to clearly explain why most cheating girls do.. if its not for revenge, its because they're vulnerable. its in a females nature to please men, and if our guy is unpleasable, we wonder off to please interested guys on the side, often spontaiously, and with regret after. the list of reasons ive read that guys cheat goes on and on. one that kills me, is that they do it just for fun. its rare to find a girl like that unless she makes a point to stay single. anyway, my question is about men.. i find a guy i like everything about, i give him my all, and then i have to be with him for like ever, just to wait and see if hes a player or not. then im attached and have to make the desicion on weather or not to forgive or leave. you would think that by the time im attatched to a guy enough to even consider forgiving something likethat, he would be jus as committed and wouldnt have cheated, but it dont work like that, most girls want more commitment, and alot of guys get bored with building it. ive had guys with girlfriends persisently try to get in my pantys, guys i dont even know harrass me, and im sure alot of them have gf's. why are guys like this, and how am i supost to know if the guy i decide to commit to is going to be like that everytime i turn my back? im begining to think i should just stay single because i have to look and act just the way a guy wants or it become an excuse for him to stray, try things in bed that he wants, and hope that being the same girl he does everytime wont bore him since he likes variety. girls like variety too when wer single, but when we fall in love, we want only what we have and not other guys, i have to be faithful just to be with him and hope he does the same in return which why would he if he only see's it a problem if im the one cheating, i have to keep his self esteem up, but he can watch porn and drool over other women, wich should be fine as long as im with him at the time he cant hollar at her. can i not be upset ever without him temporarly bein in player mode, becuase when my guy gets upset thats when i want to put more into the relationship, ive never once had a guy tell me before he cheated what problem he had n the relationship was, they just act like everything is fine and they go do it. do i have to be a mind reader to aviod being cheated on? its alot of work to trust guys anymore, only a few can treat a girl right, and they all look the`same! how am i suppost to know if i have a good guy without wasting years of my time jus to get hurt? it seems impossible, cause even if im doing everything right on my part that i can possibly do, thats when i learn hat ome guys do i for a "rush". thats the worst kind, a guy who gets high on cheating on me. wish had what it took to give my guy the same rush hed get from doing it with a stripper or prostitute, or an enemy who wants to break us up, but if i could, he'd have another diff. excuse to cheat on me. I'm lost, i need advice of all kinds on this, i dont know if all guys are going to cheat on me, how to tell if i found one that wont, what im doing wronge, and how to tell if he wont tell me what im doing. why do guys do it? i cant understand it, im trying to see it from there poin of veiw, then maybe i could make my next step with a little more knowledge??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Wow, you have a lot of questions...
"i want to clearly explain why most cheating girls do.."
Truth is, everyone has their own reasons, but read a little about it and you will find that the underlying causes are pretty similar across both men and women.
"the list of reasons ive read that guys cheat goes on and on"
Same for women.
"one that kills me, is that they do it just for fun"
So do women.
"you would think that by the time im attatched to a guy enough to even consider forgiving something likethat, he would be jus as committed and wouldnt have cheated"
Depends upon the reasons the cheater cheats. My wife and I were in a long term relationship, solid marriage, she could never imagine herself cheating, but could imagine me cheating, and she was the one who had an affair. Lots of "reasons" but the underlying issues fell squarely onto the main reasons people cheat and had everything to do with her issues and frankly nothing to do with me. She realized this after the affair was well out of hand and after she realized all the stuff she was blaming on me wasn't anything I could control.
"why are guys like this"
Why are people human?
No all guys are. Some of us are dedicated to our wives and children and families and work hard to protect and build them up.
"i should just stay single because i have to look and act just the way a guy wants or it become an excuse for him to stray"
Only if you are afraid to trust.
"same girl he does everytime wont bore him since he likes variety"
Same girl can give lots of variety and making love is much better than having sex any day.
"girls like variety too when wer single, but when we fall in love, we want only what we have"
Girls are just like guys on cheating when it comes right down to it, although they may have another role in the cheating. I've known plenty of women who will cheat, who have cheated, and plenty of women who helped a man cheat...for every man who cheats there is someone on the other side of that cheating helping him out. My wife's affair was with a married man, and she helped him cheat on his wife and hurt her terribly (I was the last to know and didn't know for years).
"ive never once had a guy tell me before he cheated what problem he had n the relationship was"
That's because he's going to not work on the relationship, but working on a new relationship (which is easier). Long term relationships take "work".
"its alot of work to trust guys anymore"
It's a lot of work to trust anyone, and always has been.
"how am i suppost to know if i have a good guy without wasting years of my time jus to get hurt?"
Spend a lot of time getting to know him. It may not help in the end. Marriage is different than other relationships and takes a lot of care and work to make it work out. Even with the best of people, things can happen. My wife's affair happened during a bout with depression, fairly severe, and mental health issues do make you more likely to have problems with relationships.
"i dont know if all guys are going to cheat on me"
Not all guys will cheat.
"how to tell if i found one that wont"
You don't know, you can only trust.
"why do guys do it?"
Every excuse under the sun, but self esteem and lack of ongoing respect for the current partner has a lot to do with it. If you get a guy you love, trust, and want to be with, then respect him, trust him, build him up, be proud of him in front of others, and be proud of your relationship with him, do your very best. You might still be cheated on, but at least you will have done your best. I know, I've been there, I was cheated on, my wife broke off the affair and ended it and worked on our marriage long before I knew about the affair. She realized after she talked with me, and a counselor, what the problems were, what her perceptions really were (wrong perceptions actually), and why they existed.
On the other hand, while I had plenty of thoughts about cheating, always knew that I could cheat, and saw plenty of sexually attractive women...I never cheated.
Why? Because I never wanted to hurt someone that I loved or risk the destruction of my marriage. because I was never depressed, because I was always proud of my marriage and my relationship with my wife, because I could always see her face and hear her voice when I was gone from home, because I never drank and drugged to the point where I didn't have control of my impulses.
So, before you worry about the other person, worry about yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Not all men are interested in one-night stands while they're in committed relationships, hiring prostitutes, etc. Yes, it is true that some men are interested in those things.
So how can you tell that your new man isn't? First of all, finding a quality guy can help ensure that he isn't into these things. That's not to say that a "promiscuous" man isn't a generally good person; quality is in the eye of the beholder, if you will. So, here, I am referencing a "quality" guy as a guy who shares your morals, values, goals, etc. If you find a man like that and you bond with him, you'll be able to trust him. Relationships are built on trust, and if you can't trust, your relationship probably won't last.
If you're worried about finding a guy who isn't going to cheat on you, be sure that you're reflecting what you're looking for in your actions. For example, if you don't want to try to pursue a man who is only out for sex, don't sleep with him early on in your dating. Don't even talk about sexual activities or do anything beyond kissing until you're feeling secure with what's going on between you two.
A lot of what you said sounds like you're fairly insecure about yourself. Working on this before pursuing a meaningful relationship will probably help maintain that relationship and make you feel more confident. So, try to figure out how to help yourself, whether that be self-help or seeking some kind of counseling.
Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, Tammy1205 +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Hello,
The most noble thing I've read about cheating is this, "Cheating isn't about greed. Cheating is about how little the other person means to you." I think this makes perfect sense. If a man doesn't care about you, of course he will seek to please himself first and do whatever he wants.
Instead of focusing on all of that negative energy and sadness, work on improving your self-love. If you love yourself, and respect yourself, you're going to have that special glow, and demand respect in return.
In my opinion, reciprical respect is the most important part of a relationship. You need to find a man who respects you and always takes your feelings into his closest consideration. If a man respects you, he isn't going to cheat on you, because you mean too much to him.
Relax, and remember everything happens for a reason.
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