A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband (who is now 29) and I (I am now 24) met when I was 18 and he was 23. We've been together ever since. We got married 18 months after we met because I was six months pregnant. After I gave birth, my husband went from sappy, overly romantic and clingy to distant, untrustworthy, constantly drunk.. asshole. He's just mean, calls me a cow because I have hips now and I didn't before I was pregnant. He's called me stupid in front of my mom for accidentally putting cranberry sauce on a bowl of stuffing during last year's Thanksgiving. My mom said nothing at first because she thought he was pulling a funny.When we had our second baby, she wanted to babysit while he and I went on a small vacation away from everyone but he wouldn't let her anywhere near them. I was distraught and told him to stop being so dramatic. My mom is their grandma and she has every right to see her grandbabies. He held my wrists until they bruised and told me 'your mom has no right to see my children! My kids will see their real grandparents!' I was taken aback but didn't question it further.During that vacation, he knocked me out and raped me. I got pregnant again and contemplated getting an abortion and leaving with the children because I just couldn't take it anymore. But then he saw how sad I was during the pregnancy and he got really clingy again. Started yelling at me for texting my own brother. I think he was more worried that I was going to say something bad about him... He revoked my cell phone privileges, only let me online to do my work (I'm a stay-at-mom with a small online business and I do bring in half the income).And he constantly drinks. But it's weird, he acted like an asshole before he started drinking incessantly, so it's not his drinking that's causing his issues. They just amplify them. He also stays at work late and everytime I even look like I'm going to question his motives, he tells me to 'fuck off', goes to the room and passes out when he gets home at 4AM, absolutely stinking of alcohol and women's perfume. It breaks my damn heart.But now we have three kids under age five (just had our third baby in August), our oldest is in preschool and I have no idea how to get out of this situation. I cry all the time, I'm not producing enough milk for my youngest, I know I should be grateful for this one (I've lost about 90 lbs of baby and regular weight) but I know it's not healthy at all to lose that much in just two months.I've been contacting my mom and she's trying to help me but she's also ridiculously broke. I feel like I deserve 'worst mother of the year' because I can't even get my own kids out of this. Luckily my husband hasn't touched them, yet, but I'm terrified of the day he gets tired of throwing just me around.What do I do? I can't even cry anymore because I'm out of tears.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2013):
 Have you made it to safety? Please do let us know when you are in a safe place. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 October 2013):
Call this toll-free number 1-800-799-7233 [1-800-787-3224 (TTY)]
or go to this website: http://www.thehotline.org
There trained counselors can help you navigate the next steps you need to take.
Here is more from that website:
What Is Safety Planning?
A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that includes ways to remain safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave. Safety planning involves how to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action and more.
At the hotline we safety plan with victims, friends and family members — anyone who is concerned about their own safety or the safety of someone else.
A good safety plan will have all of the vital information you need and be tailored to your unique situation, and will help walk you through different scenarios.
Although some of the things that you outline in your safety plan may seem obvious, it’s important to remember that in moments of crisis your brain doesn’t function the same way as when you are calm. When adrenaline is pumping through your veins it can be hard to think clearly or make logical decisions about your safety. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you to protect yourself in those stressful moments.
Leaving a Relationship
Preparing to Leave
Because violence could escalate when someone tries to leave, here are some things to keep in mind before you leave:
Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures of injuries.
Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible. Keep your journal in a safe place.
Know where you can go to get help. Tell someone what is happening to you.
If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
Contact your local shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis. WomensLaw.org has state by state legal information.
Acquire job skills or take courses at a community college as you can.
Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.
Make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. You may request a police escort or stand-by when you leave. If you have to leave in a hurry, use the following list of items as a guide to what you need to bring with you. Our advocates can help you come up with a personalized safety plan for leaving.
1) Identification
Driver’s license
Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates
Social security cards
Financial information
Money and/or credit cards (in your name)
Checking and/or savings account books
2) Legal Papers
Protective order
Copies of any lease or rental agreements, or the deed to your home
Car registration and insurance papers
Health and life insurance papers
Medical records for you and your children
School records
Work permits/green Card/visa
Passport
Divorce and custody papers
Marriage license
3) Emergency Numbers
Your local police and/or sheriff’s department
Your local domestic violence program or shelter
Friends, relatives and family members
Your local doctor’s office and hospital
County and/or District Attorney’s Office
4) Other
Medications
Extra set of house and car keys
Valuable jewelry
Pay-as-you-go cell phone
Address book
Pictures and sentimental items
Several changes of clothes for you and your children
Emergency money
Types of Safety Planning
?Safety While Living With An Abusive Partner
Identify your partner’s use and level of force so that you can assess the risk of physical danger to you and your children before it occurs.
Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.
Don’t run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well.
If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target. Dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined.
If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know what numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest public phone is located. Know the phone number to your local battered women’s shelter. If your life is in danger, call the police.
Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help.
Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal to them that they should get help or leave the house.
Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you, nor they, are at fault or are the cause of the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe.
Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.
Plan for what you will do if your children tells your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.
Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked — for a quick escape.
Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you.
Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.
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Call that number when you are away from him! Good luck, let us know when you are safe.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 October 2013):
 Dear OP,
if you will PM me what state you are in I will do the search for you to find a shelter for abused women so you can get away from this abusive man. I just helped a local person (a friend of a friend) find a shelter... it was easy for me to do because I'm not paralyzed by fear and uncertainty.
I know it's hard to leave someone you love.. .because when they are good they are very very good...
I live and love with an active alcoholic... BUT my baby is older than you are and I would never subject my children to being raised by an abuser...
The issue is not that he will hurt the children (my mother always went after my brother never me, and my dad always after me never my brother so abuse does not always translate to ALL in the home... some men will NOT hurt their children but will beat the crap emotionally, mentally, verbally and physically out of their partner.
You are raising your children to see that being abused is acceptable and that's not good. your daughters will marry abusive men like their father and your sons will abuse their wives if we don't get you and your children out of this situation.
If you cannot move home to mom and dad then a shelter is your only option.... one day his abuse will escalate and he may kill you in front of your kids... this is not something to mess around with.
here's one nationwide page:
http://www.safehorizon.org/index/what-we-do-2/domestic-violence--abuse-53/domestic-violence--abuse-shelters-340.html
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (27 October 2013):
What you are stating is a lot of domestic abuse. Why have you not contacted your local police department for assistance. If you don't have the strength to contact local police department contact a support group, or a women's shelter. From what you are stating your mom is supportive as for her guidance. Even if you have to move into her home for a couple of months to get your act together.I understand that there is not alot of money to go around so please stop having babies. I know you love your children but stop putting them into this situation. Children deserve a loving, caring and supportive enviroment to grow and learn in. You need to take the bull by the horns and change your situation. Stop waiting for someone to ride in on that white horse and save you. It is not going to happen. You need to find that inner strength deep down and just do it. I know you are scared and tired but only you can change it.Good Luck!
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