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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 27 and have been together with my girlfriend for 5 years. We are very much in love and care for each other dearly and often talk about getting married. Recently I have been getting paronoid attacks about her. That she might be losing interest in me, she may be seeing someone else or she is just bored. This is not the first time this has happened to me. I lost my ex girlfriend due to a similar paronoia at a similar point in our relationship. I dont know what is wrong with me!! I cant help but feel anxiety about our relationship, I hate it. Has anyone got any advice on what I should do to try and sort my head out? Please help, its driving me insane!!
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male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (17 January 2006):
 I used to have the sort of attacks and they don't get easier. So later in my relationships; I dove into self assertion and healing. I joined a gym and started reading books. I took a good hard look at what I was doing. The bottom line to my problem is: I didn't have enough confidence in myself. Once I gained the self esteem I needed, I developed a sort of "I dare you to do something wrong" kind of attitude. This kinda attitude is almost harder to control. I just felt like I'm better than you and if you do cheat, then I'll just find someone else.
If you can develop a cross between the two anxiety/don't care personalities; usually you wind up with a very open, honest, caring personality. I for one am a slight bit jealous, snooping, caring, loving, demanding, deserving, giving kind of person. My fiancee' finds me intriguing because she doesn't know what to expect; she only knows that I will definately talk to her about the way I feel. I don't tell her; I talk to her. I think this makes me a much better fiance than if I was just paranoid. Don't take it so bad though, you are at least observant because something caused you to have those feelings. So buy her flowers and make her dinner and work towards all the things that won her over in the first place, confide in her about the way you feel and you'll see that she'll be your best friend in the end.
Take care
Ed
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (17 January 2006):
 I would agree with allot of what shortandsweet has said. I think the first thing you need to do here is be honest with yourself. Look back into your past and ask yourself where this has all come from. Typically it would either be, as suggested by sweet, being badly burned in the past or else in incident in childhood/early teens which are traditionally the formative stages of adult personality.
Once you are at the source then you can begin to address your present day insecurities. Because you understand it better you can begin to control it. When you are more lucid make a list of all the things about your gf and the things that she does and says which tells you she loves you. Carry this list with you. If you feel an attack coming on look at it. Try and control your breathing and study the list. If she sends you romantic texts store them and keep them for the onset of an attack. Try and control these attacks, it may feel like you are losing control but these attacks can be controlled.
Other than that I would agree wholeheartedly with sweet. Keep the romance alive through little and big gestures. Keep things fun. While you are having fun you are less likely to have an attack.
If you still find that these attacks are uncontrolable then you may indeed have to discuss this with your partner. However, do not worry about that now. Cross that bridge if you come to it. I would probably recommend a counsellor over a friend in this instance because if you are unable to find the root cause of these attacks they can help with that.
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A
female
reader, 2EsillyaMuse'D +, writes (17 January 2006):
First off, ask yourself if she's giving you signals that she's losing interest, or if it's all comming from you. If you can detect visible "I'm not so interested anymore" signals, then ask her if she's lost interest in you (just don't do this at a time when she's feeling romantic; it totally spoils the mood. Do it casually, like go to a busy park for a excercise walk/jog but get away from most of the people). Just don't mistake comfort signals for disinterest: a girl naturally won't wear her glitziest dress over to your house to watch a movie on the couch and eat popcorn. That's not disinterest; it's comfort. If you're really, truely concerned about her fidelity, you can hire a PI to follow her around for a bit and see where she goes and who she talks to. Just don't let her know you're watching her, or of course she won't see anyone else. If the PI finds she's making out with another man, then you can confront her; otherwise, it's best to keep quiet about it. If he found out she's being true to you, then I'm sure she'd find a dinner at her favorite restaurant a better reward than being told that a PI watched her for the past week. ;)
If it's comming all from you, then you've got a couple of things I'd guess are going on. One, you may be commitmentphobic yourself and not even realize this. So when the relationship gets to an intense level, with strong talk of commitment and marriage, it sets off an alarm bell in your subconcious, and then it projects your anxiety onto her. Rather than realizing that you yourself are nervous about being serious with her, your mind plays a trick and makes you wonder if SHE'S the one who's not totally serious about YOU. If this is the case, I'd recommend addressing your own commitmentphobia. You may or may not want her to help, depending on your personality (some would find her comforting, but others would see her presence as a constant reminder of what they're afraid of). Once you've got that under control, you should see your anxieties subside.
The other option is that you're naturally a nervous sort, and that's all there is to it. If that's the case, then try relaxation techniques. Take a yoga class (bonus: get her to come along, and you can stare at her in the leotard), drink a glass of milk (milk contains tryptophan, a protein your body can make into serotonin, the "happy" chemical in your brain that lowers anxiety and makes you feel good), light a lavender candle (bonus: light the candle and have a candlelight dinner with the milk).
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A
female
reader, shortandsweet408 +, writes (17 January 2006):
 I know exactly what you are talking about... have you been burned in the past? (Before the ex-girlfriend you speak of) Or maybe your parents or friends have gone through similar situations and you witnessed that? I was hurt very badly by my ex-boyfriend. It was my first real relationship and I put my ALL into it, only to get burned. I am now in an off-and on relationship with another guy and we get along great, but I am extremely hesitant to put my all into it. I am constantly asking if we are ok, and if things are going well and blah blah blah! Its horrible how many conversations about the relationship we've had for almost 2 years! I'm slowly learning to trust him, because of the past, I feel that every guy will treat me the same way my ex had. But its nice to hear, "You can trust me" out of someone's mouth and specifically tell them that if they are going to hurt you then the relationship should end. Just keep your girlfriend interested is my advice, let her know that you will always be there for her. Do little sweet gestures like flowers out of the blue, better yet, have date night once a week and give her a rose each night. Make things fun between you two, keep her laughing. I don't think you should have anything to worry about, look... you have someone you love and whom loves you back. If it still persists and it gets worse you just need to sit down and have a nice long talk about everything. (If you haven't already) Tell her everything you feel and ask her to tell you everything she feels. Make that the conversation of your first, fun date night. If nothing I've told you helps, try a counselor, or a VERY close friend you can trust. (Cheaper... lol) And always remember that you two have something very special and the first step should be to talk to HER... you should be able to talk this out with her if you two love eachother.
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