A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice.I have a friend who I am really close to. We share a lot with each other and have the type of friendship where we can speak openly. Recently she told me that she felt she could always come to me with a problem because I was honest. But recently there's been something happening that I've not been telling her about because I'm worried it'll break her heart. I'm stuck as to what to do. She got into a messy relationship with another woman a while ago. She's openly gay. This isn't the issue. The woman she got with was already in a relationship and they began an affair. I didn't agree with what she was doing but was there for her. I listened as I found out more and more about this new woman in her life and in my gut felt she was bad news. Her new girlfriend owns a house with her current partner and they live together. The affair grew and a month ago my friend spoke to her girlfriend about breaking up with the woman she shares the house with. Her girlfriend agreed this is what she wanted and has apparently told her partner it's over. They still live together but apparently it's separate beds and apparently she's given her partner 6 months to move out. I say apparently as this is the issue. I'm convinced my friends partner is lying and is actually stringing both women along. They have both been in the wrong with this affair but I don't want my friend hurt. I think because my friend is head over heels in love she can't see this from an outsiders perspective but there have been a number of situations she's told me about as they've unfolded and every time I have felt something isn't right. She phones me up in tears telling me she is worried there's something still going on when she is meant to now be in a relationship not an affair. I listen and then this new girlfriend does something - usually some elaborate story or grand gesture - to sweep away any paranoias my friend may have. It's always OTT. My friend is always bowled over and then days later her girlfriend starts braving weird again. To me - it reeks of guilt. Her girlfriend is blatantly still in a relationship with her original girlfriend. I can't prove anything. This is just an outsiders point of view. This week things took a particularly difficult turn as my friend was really really upset - more than usual. Her girlfriend bailed on a date with her but was later found to be having dinner with her original girlfriend. My friend cried to me again and for once I thought she would work it out on her own that this woman is still in a relationship but then true to form this woman sweeps in and covers her tracks. My friend is back to blissful unaware rose-tinted happiness. I am at a loss. Part of me feels my friend can't see what's happening and should be told so as to protect her feelings but then I have no proof - this is just an unwavering bad gut feeling. If I tell her, it'll break her heart. I'm not sure how much longer I can listen to her worrying something isn't right and not say anything. I agree with her - something isn't right. Difference is I'm not buying her girlfriends stories and excuses. What do I do? I know sometimes you should just step back but if this was your friend and you had this bad gut feeling, could you turn the other way?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 I'd be honest with her, but as Tisha suggests, I'd use the Socratic Method. That is to get your point across by asking strategic questions. This would encourage her to THINK about her situation instead of just FEELING.
Keep your own opinions to a minimum though and be matter of fact.
A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (23 March 2014):
 In a situation like this it's hard to know what to do, huh? You have your suspicions and you want to be a good friend, but if you do say something and you're wrong, you risk your friend being upset for nothing - or worse, pushing her away. With some friends we can just be completely honest and say what we think about their love interests. But in your case it's a gut feeling rather than firm proof (and you can't really go nosing around to find out because she might consider it none of your business). You might just have to listen and support her and just be there to help pick up the pieces when the truth comes to light.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 March 2014):
 I would sit he down and ASK her what advice she would give to you, if she was in your shoes (and dating a married/"taken" person - gender is irrelevant here).
Ask her,:" would you not tell me that getting involved in an affair rarely turns out for the good?"
Ask her,:" If her "former- partner" moves out after those 6 months and you two start dating in earnest, do you think you can really trust this woman with your heart?
And I would suggest she tell her "lady friend" that she will step back til those 6 months are up and her ex is out of there. But unfortunately I don't think she would go for this.
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Now my advice for YOU personally. TELL her it breaks your heart to see her going through all this. A new relationship shouldn't hurt this bad. But that you don't know how much more of this you can take. That you are TRYING to be a good friend, but it's become increasingly hard because she refuses to see that this "relationship" was ALWAYS more fantasy then reality. That she got caught up in those initial happy moments of lust and attraction but all she really has now is heartache and pain. That watching HER continuously BANG her head into a brick wall hurts you almost as much as it hurts her.
If you NEED to take a break from her drama, tell her. That is NOT being a bad friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2014): I'd encourage her to turn up unannounced at the house to give her a pleasant surprise. Or even just ringing her landline instead of her mobile. The original girlfriend will then clarify what's up.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (22 March 2014):
Dear OP,
You're a great friend to have! Someone with open eyes. If you were my friend, I would want you to be honest.
I'd recommend you don't say what you're thinking, in a way which is too obvious, just point out that some things seem odd to you, or enhance her own doubts.
"Don't you think this is weird? How did X explain that dinner with her ex-gf? Do you believe her?"
"You don't seem to be too happy today. What's up? What, it's again because of her? I remember that already last week, you were so down.."
If SHE realizes those stories don't make sense and she's more and more unhappy, then that's the best case.
You can also be a little more straight forward by pointing out you are worried about her. Tell her you are worried she's getting her heart broken. That way, you don't say anything negative about that new gf, but you make your position clear.
Besides, sometimes you can't help people. But I found that nonetheless it's good to say your opinion. If she realizes you were right.. some months from now.. she will probably value your opinion more next time. At least this happened with me when I got a good advice I didn't listen to at the time. I now trust that friend who warned me more.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 March 2014):
 I'd start asking her some directed open-ended questions. "Sofia, I feel like we've had this exact same conversation before, does any of this sound familiar?"
See what she says.
"Sofia, I'm sorry you are hurting yet again in this relationship, it must be really rough to get hurt again and again. I feel like there may be more to this than you realize. Do you think there's a pattern developing here?"
"Sofia, gosh, didn't we just have this same conversation about Juliet? It all sounds a bit familiar, things get rocky and then she swooshes in with the save. I'm beginning to think she's really not telling you the truth."
"Sofia, you're right, something isn't right. Let's examine the patterns here."
Or just be brave, put it out there. "Sofia, my gut doesn't trust Juliet any more. She's hurt you too many times and I have a very bad feeling about this. She's living with Deena and has dinners with her and basically, I think they are together. It really is difficult to say to you but I just want you to think about this as if you were looking in from the outside."
or
"Sofia, it distresses me to see you upset again. I don't know how long I can hold back my feelings on this. Let me know when you feel able to listen to my outsider's perspective. I don't want to hurt you any more than you've been hurt already."
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