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*ohnny A.
writes: Do I end my long-distance relationship of 4 years because of our different views?First, I should provide some background. My girlfriend and I met via a website for people with contractable diseases. As such, we share something in common that I dare not share with anyone who doesn't have it (and no, it's not life threatening). She lives in Canada, and I live in the US. We are about 900 miles apart.We hit it off via email, and then over the phone, and a surprise visit later, we hit it off in person. The relationship was fun, passionate and full of hope. For the next year, we would see each other every few months (either I would fly/drive there, or I would fly her here). As a college student, I didn't expect her to pay for tickets. Money has never been a problem in this relationship. Or rather, I have no problem spending it...but I digress...We've been together for 4 years now. We have spoken on the phone every evening in these past 4 years. We've visited one another (for no more than a week at a time; usually just weekends) about 15 times.In the first year, it was bliss. The second was just as good, but I started realizing that she wasn't as intelligent as I thought. I never let this stop me from being with her though. And then she started to show her paranoia. She started talking about the US, and how it scares her and how she couldn't see herself living here, with the current government and how it handles itself. This should have been a sure sign that things wouldn't work, but I had hope.Eventually, the american-bashing started and for the past year and a half, she takes stabs at anything American, not looking at the big picture, but using the day's headlines as justification.Aside from that, she's become more and more cold. She has quite a few male friends (some former boyfriends and lovers), that she sees on a regular basis. She goes out for drinks, and occasionally spends the night at their houses (claiming she sleeps on the couch, which I believe). Coming from a conservative family, I was against it. I put up a fight, but because I lack some backbone (as should be evident by now), I folded and stopped fighting with her. I'm still insecure, and I still see no reason why a woman would need to spend that much time with former lovers, but I keep my mouth shut.To be fair, she understands I'm insecure and tries her best to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about, and reminds me that I'm the man she loves (etc., etc., etc.).And a vast majority of the time, she's a pleasure to talk to. We have a lot in common, but our views are somewhat different. I keep reminding myself that it's not only a disease, but mutual love for one another that keeps us together.But lately, I've found that I've lost respect for her, as a person. She's shown me a different side of herself within the past year or so, that I don't care for. She's quick to jump to conclusions, to start an argument. And it's not even over anything worthwhile. She doesn't accuse me of cheating on her (nor do I accuse her of cheating on me), but she'll find reason to argue with me over why I should sell my truck and find something more fuel efficient because the emmisions my truck produces will one day be breathed in by our future children, so I need to do something about it today.I did mention her paranoia, didn't I?But starting arguments like that have caused me to lose respect for her. I don't think she's intelligent, nor will amount to much in the business world. I say this because as a business professional, I can't see how anyone would take her seriously. She's quick to offer her opinion, yet can't handle confrontation, and runs when someone provides her with proof to the contrary of her argument. Basically, she's a child. But she's 25 (I'm 29).Maybe I'm being too critical, but the anti-American sentiments (which means that eventually I'll have to move to Canada, to appease her, but again...I have no backbone, so I'd go smiling), her paranoia, childishness, (what I consider) lack of respect, lack of intelligence (and occasionally common sense), and open liberalness when it comes to relationships with former boyfriends (and her expecting me to accept it without problem) has caused me to lose respect and desire for her. I honestly want to end it.But mind you...this is all over the phone. All based on a phone relationship. In person, the world around us ceases to exist. I spend every waking moment with her, smiling. Not because I haven't seen her and am just excited to be with her, but because she sincerely makes me happy. She goes out of her way to be nice to me, treat me fairly and with respect. She takes care of me, tends to me, and makes herself as close to perfect as can be.And as soon as my plane lands, and I drive home, she goes back to doing everything that irritates me...over the phone.She's set to graduate school in July. At that time, she plans on moving in with me for 6 months (I know, what about her hatred of the US? She's a hypocrite too, add that to the list). Within those 6 months, we are to plan on where we'll live (according to her, either in the US or Canada), and plan a future together. So my dilemma is this...she can only live here for 6 months without a visa. In that time I have to either decide to marry her, and apply for a fiancee visa, move to Canada and live with here there (where I'd be sacrificing a good paying job, with great benefits, to move somewhere foreign and work for much less pay yet avoid marriage for some time), or end the relationship.I don't have the nerve to end it now, as I'm hoping the 6 months with her will help me decide. In the meantime, I'm enduring a phone relationship that I can't stand. Talking to her seems like torture sometimes because I want to argue right back. I want to prove her wrong, but even with proof, I can't. The moment I defend myself, or offer a counterpoint, she runs. She runs and gives me guilt for having an attitude with her. And just like that, the argument is over and she acts as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, I'm still furious inside for not being able to voice my opinion.Do I endure this painful relationship for 10 more months, just to see what living with her for 6 months will be like? Do I end it and endure the misery (however short-lived) of not being with her, and being alone? Do I eventually marry her, knowing that I'll more than likely be the sole breadwinner in the family (I honestly have little faith when it comes to her finding a halfway descent job, based on her lack of intelligence and her willingness to offer her opinion no matter how wrong or crude, to whomever), and knowing that if we have children she'd be instilling her paranoia into them?I also have the pressure of dying parents, who want to see this 4 year relationship end in a marriage and grandchildren for them. I know I can't base my decisions on my parents, their health and their opinions (especially towards someone they never met), knowing that they just want to see me married with kids, but there's a lot of pressure coming from every angle (her family has been talking to me about marriage as well).I'm miserable, confused and spineless, and I wouldn't know how to end it if I wanted to.Can anyone offer some advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): to be honest it sounds like its not going to be worth it.
if she knows you have a problem with her staying over at ex's houses, why does she continue to do it? if she cared she would stop it. altough if she did have something to hide she wouldnt tell you i guess??? hmm tricky. ive been in a similar situation long distance in two different countries(ireland and england), we kept at it and now we live together, but i still resent the way she was when we were apart ion the early days! at the end of the day, there are so may people out there so why make do.
i know how hard it is so good luck and hope it works out one way or the other!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): I'm sorry I don't have an account, I just happened to end up here looking for an advice for my own situation.
I wish I knew how your story ended, because I felt identified by many of the things you said. I think my current relationship is strinkingly similar to the one you described.
I hope everything went well.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): It's been a few years since I posted this question, so I figure it may be time for an update...
She and I are no longer together, and haven't been, for over a year. Essentially, I offered to move to Canada and she kept pushing me away. Things were still fine, she just didn't want me moving there. I got the hint after that. She slowly distanced herself from me, and eventually dumped me. Not for someone else, but because she felt I deserved better. I didn't buy it, but I didn't care either. I was tired of the relationship and everything it involved. So, I went on my merry way, started feeling better about myself and met someone (local) and we've been together 8 months now and things are fantastic.
The ex? She still emails me a few times a week to try to get me back. I'm guessing whoever she was with after me may not have treated her as well, or somehow made her appreciate what she had with me, for once. And even though I've asked her to leave me alone, she's been relentless in trying to get me back. I'm sure in due time she'll get over it like I have.
Hopefully my insight on this, and my experience can help someone out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Hey dude,
I have been in a similar situation. I was in a long distance relationship for over a year. It was GREAT when we were around eacho ther, I mean, the world stopped and it was just us and thats it. When we went back to our own life it was hard to be as connected and happy. Work, uni and friends took up alot of time and thus it became hard to be ' motivated' to make things work.. Where am I at now?? He comes to town every 6 months ish and we have 'fantastic' ex sex...so hey, maybe I'm not the besty person to give advice, but I will say, there is AWALYS an choice and there is always another way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): First, I feel you on the spineless thing, but come on man D up this is your life. No one should dicitate how you feel in your life but you. As far as the ex thing, I am in a long distance thing we are both in the military and if I found out he was at an ex's house over night, ummm first off they were attracted to each other or they would never have been together.... second off, alcohol, ummm not a good mix when amongst ex's. Been there, done that... Woke up naked in bed with him and regreted it.... I say sit her down get everything off your chest, tell her how you really feel and be nothing but HONEST to her....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2006): Sorry I don't have an account, but I happened to come upon this...
I used to have a similar problem, though on a time-scale I suppose ti was much smaller (we were also both younger). When I was with my boyfriend, I felt great - it was like our relationship flourished in direct proportion to how much time we spent together. It seemed wonderful... but when he went away to college and I began spending more and more time away, only talking to him at night... I realized that I was suppressing a lot of my own 'self' just to appease him. I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do... and in your case I really would want to spend more time with her and find out if it's really worth it. But "pops" brings up a good point - every couple has their arguments, and what you have over the phone is likely to be the sort of argument that you'll get into eventually. I'm in another relationship now (also long distance, actually) and our arguments, while they do happen, end with us really understanding each other's point of view and coming to a reasonable solution. It sounds like you're submitting far too much of yourself - and not a willful submission, either (which I could understand).
I guess the bottom line is - have a look at yourself and see what it is YOU want to do. If you believe that you have no backbone but you're okay with it - that's fine. If you think it won't work out but you want to wait and see - that's fine too. But if you end up doing something that's against your own true wishes... that is where you'll just be buying into unhappiness and, truly, a lack of the fullness of life (as philosophical as that sounds, heh).
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2005): Hey man, im kinda in the same situation.. i met my girl at High school and we moved away for uni, i love her to death, and she says she loves me too.. but the way your girl is parranoid i guess i am parranoid too, but not without fault. I mean she has 4 numbers on her cellphone and 1 is her "new" friend who happens to be a guy. She never EVER answers her cell when she goes out(which really irritates and scares me i think somethings happened to her shes downtown all alone a young girl...) either way. When were together, i would sacrafice anything and do anything for her, and it hink she goes out of her way to make me happy, in fact i know she does, but then as soon as she goes home and im out here (about 6 hours away, not even that far) she starts doing things that i have TOLD her really make me angry, so we agreed that she would have to stop doing that else i would just be pissed all the time( and normally i dont ever get angry at all, like you said, no backbone, same goes here, too much of a "nice guy" they say) and now she keeps on bringing up random things that i do that are pissing her off and throwing a fit each time.. its normally something ridiculous, the last one was while on the phone i dont pay enough attention to her...
JESUS i think shes battling for control.. i dont care about control, i just dont want to be walked all over. just tonight i told her to fuck off and i didnt want to deal with her at the moment, that probably wasnt the smartest thing to say, i think im screwed, i hope not, but i definitely dont see thing sbeing the same after that comment.
GOOD LUCK MAN! IF I WERE YOU ID GET HER ASS TO AMERICA, SHOW HER ITS NO GODDAMN DIFFERENT, AND IF SHE GIVES YOU ANY TROUBLE BE A ROCK, TAKE THE POWER IF SHE WANTS TO MARRY YOU SHE WANTS TO MARRY YOU AND THAT MEANS YOU DA MAN!
good luck...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2005): You sound like a smart man who knows what he wants. Consider the fact that I am a young woman who has ex boyfriends. I currently have a boyfriend who lives 600 miles away from me. I do not stay at any of my ex's homes, nor would I. I would be furious if I thought my boyfriend was staying with an ex as well. That is not normal. The fact that you are trusting is a wonderful thing. Trusting has nothing to do with that. No normal woman in a long term relationship would spend the night at an ex lovers home. I think that since she bashes America, and you are American, that there is also something wrong with that. I too, am American and I would be angry with anyone I was involved with that said horrible things about my country. You sound very happy only when you two are together in person. Consider this, you spend maybe a weekend per month together. That is two days that she's this wonderfully amazing woman that you fell in love with. What about the other 28-29 days in the month? You don't need a pie chart to figure that out. My advice, and you may take it or not, this is your life, is that you should try to tell her, either over the phone or in person, how she makes you feel when you talk on the phone. If she really loves you, she won't attack you, she won't run from the conversation. She will listen to what you have to say if nothing else. I hope this helps. Best of luck.
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reader, rockmanco2 +, writes (16 September 2005):
The way i see it, on e way or another your gonna have to grow a backbone. Like you said you have all these angles and there hitting you all at ones. First of all tell her how you feel, DONT BACK DOWN! Let her know that your sick of her America bashing ways( not that i hate people with opinions). But if her views really bug you tell her, put your foot down and a little curseing cant hurt. Maybe if you curse it would bring the conversation down to her level...
If that dosent work and she is still a little masquito in your ear then end it. Dont be with a person becouse you think you've run out of options. Also tell her she's childish, petty, paraniod ect. You'll feel better that you got it off your chest. If in the end you still break up with her becouse she's unwilling to change, then i say hey there are plenty of fish in the sea ( just dont go fishing off the Canadian coast, you might land yourself anotherone).
Best of luck
Delaware Dominick
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reader, pops +, writes (15 September 2005):
When you are in a hole, stop digging. End this melodrama. You have had some good times with the girl, but you two can't live together. You already know what the fights will be like, and you aren't marriaged. YOu know about her paranoia. This is not going to get better, but only worse as she gets old. She is never going to like the United States because she is already mature, and in the habit of bashing everything this country does. It isn't working, and its not going to work six months from now. You can expect her to go through some major changes once she get in the workforce, and has money of her own for the first time. Spend the next 6 months meeting other women, and looking for Miss Right. You only concern is to make yourself happy, by finding someone who is happy being with you. That is all your parents are hoping for you. This girl is not it.
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reader, jaime +, writes (15 September 2005):
I can see you are very confused and misrible with your relationship. You say shes spending an awful lot of time with her ex boyfriends, there is a good chance she is, but you cant be tou sure. Give it another month or two before making your final dicision, but because you do live so far away its easy for you both to lose intrest. But you dont want to be misrible anymore so i say give it a couple of months see how it goes, also ask her why she acts so differently on the phone, tell her that you dont like it. Hope everything works out for the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): long distant relationships dont really work out i mean you dont see them often enough and you get bored. how do you know she aint cheating on you? if you want my advice finish with her. i know you might see it a different way but thats what i think you should do
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): I think you need to look at this from a wider angle.
You need to ask yourself if you judgement is being clouded by that fact that you both have the same condition.
Subconsciously your attraction to her may steam from your insecurity. Do you believe you will find anyone else if you do end this relationship and does the answer to that question affect the way you view your current relationship?
It obviously hurts you when she talks bad about your homeland. This is enough to anger any man. You need to let her know how much this hurts. Start by dropping suttle hints about how you’re a patriot and how much you love your country. If she loves you then she will pick up on that.
No man in the world would be happy with his girlfriend staying at an ex lover’s house. (IM with you on that one bro)if you trust her and she is a loving as always then there a chance that nothing is going on. But don’t trust her 100% because it’s not normal
Don’t move to Canada if that’s not what you want moving a great distance for a relationship can cause more problems than it solves. If you go make sure its what you want and not what you feel you should do. Try to look at it as if there was no relationship would you still want to go.
Try to have confidence in your self and don’t let her walk all over you. Most women want a man to be sure of himself and assertive. Voice your opinion and don’t be afraid to say no
Best of luck bro
stuart farmer
london england
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): End it. You're young, just tell her that you're not interested and go find someone else. Frankly, she sounds like a wack-job.
In addition, I don't know why you're even asking yourself whether or not to break up with her. If I had someone in my life that I found that intolerable, I'd lose them faster than you could say "Have you seen...?"
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