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female
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anonymous
writes: I am married for almost 2 years and I can't accept my husband's porn habit...True, that he never hides it from me or ain't really ADDICTED as many say. But still, everytime I find out, I get weird emotional feelings and everything. Am I overreacting? PLease HELP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2006): NO YOUR NOT OVERREACTING...
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 February 2006):
 Maybe the individual concerned doesn't want to use there other half as the *woman of their dreams and maybe, just maybe they want to get off on porn. And just MAYBE the poster of the question WAS over-reacting. And maybe taking what another person has written and trashing it would be easier than thinking up something for yourself! And MAYBE you wouldn't get so offended by what people post on here to help others by offering an alternative viewpoint. And maybe you wouldn't read an agenda into everything anyone rights that concerns PORN. Maybe you would grow up, stop being so aggressive and vitriolic and such a know-all!
Have a nice life.x
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (3 February 2006):
 willy you are the only doing the trashing , i have not once said that you should not write what you wrote i have not told you to stop writing , i have not said that you are wrong, but you have trashed my opinions by writing them off as "issues" you have told me that i shouldnt write my opinion and you have demanded that i should stop writing.
what is wrong with you , are you so insecure with yourself you cant handle it if someone dissagrees with you?! i wouldnt say anything on these pages that didnt come from the heart or that was based on nothing or was just to contradict!....YOU pointed something out that i felt i could offer more on , yes some "people" like to look ....so look at their partners , i like to look thats what i do , i think that was a very helpful comment!
why shouldnt i say this , do you always want to shtum every person who says something you dissagree with?!
what happened to freedom of speech, eh?!
you are the only one thinking that you are right, and if you want to bring up other threads i have done some reading too and you always pick contraversial ones and just make smutty comments , you are a vindictive person who is always out to pick on people , this site is to help , yes sometimes (a small handful of times)i find a problem i feel for and see an an answer that i feel is very one sided and i write something to offer a differant perspective BUT only if it is from the heart and based on what i have learned.
you dont even have an opinion either way here but you are going for me tooth and claw , i might even understand if it was say pops....at least he has something to proove, you just wanna be right and agreed with all the time.
but you know what its more than that you just wanna pick a fight or are very defensive what i wrote first up wasnt even disagreeing with you it was taking what you wrote and giving the person concerened an obvious solution if that was the case.
take your agression out on some one else after reading your other comments to people im through with this.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (3 February 2006):
No instead of just GIVING your opinion on the readers problem, you took somebody elses opinion and BELITTLED it. Give your opinion by all means but do not take somebody elses advice and deliberately trash it. I ahve noticed that that is a common theme in most of your posts.
Not everybody thinks the same way you do...fact.
so get over it....
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (3 February 2006):
my irony was not subtle i said almost what you said yet you got offended ...why ? if you got offended surely you must realise i would of when you first said those things.
i think you are being a little one sided to say you were offering help and i just wanted to belittle your answer...you are too easily offended by a difference of opinion and how miserable it is that you should of taken it so personaly.
fact... you gave your opinion, i took what you said and offered a way to deal with that without hurting loved ones, why say that is not trying to help someone, if you have no opinion either way then please dont take it personally i was giving my advice and my point of view , why should this woman only hear that men DO this WANT that and women are just whatever when i have a different story to tell, why are you so adament that your opinion musnt be questioned with an alternative if there is someone out there living and seeing an alternative.
fact...you gave your opinion, i gave mine, get over it
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (2 February 2006):
You are absolutely right. Irony just doesn't work unless you acn here the tone of voice behind it. You are very anti porn and seem to hate all porn, but I have no real feeling either way to tell you the truth.
I made a comment about changing when married and mens libido and other things and instead of offering help to the individual concerned you focused on trying to disparage my answer.
Understandably I got annoyed just as you did, by putting my answers down instead of focusing on the persons problem this thread has degenerated.
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 February 2006):
willy of course your first response didnt contain anything about me ...you wrote it before me! , but all i wrote after that was in agreement with you that the men who do like looking can get by on looking at thier woman instead, and that its healthy for them to do so , i didnt say anything personnel or patronising to you i just said that it what you say is correct then it can be turned to be used to create a loving sexual relationship in a way beneficial to all, but then you come in in with really patronising comments like "these sorts of problem pages would there now mystify" "mystify you are not always right sweetie" and "you have issues mystify" now if that aint patronising and nasty and arguementitive i dont know what is!
so sorry if you feel i was patronising but i will not sit here and be patronised myslelf and not defend myself.
you keep saying i dont know you , dont know anything about me , the only time i have said anything about you is mimicking the way you write to me, hopefully to make you realise the way you are being , but you are so agressive you didnt even notice...you know nothing about me but you insist i have issues!
you say the person who wrote this didnt want a lecture on the evils of the porn industry but my gyuess is she didnt wanna hear about the various contents available in porn! i think thats the last thing she would wana hear,
i am not picking a fight , you keep attacking me i keep defending myself...read back n see, the only time i attack you is mimicking how you just attacked be ...its called irony the rest is defending myself so why dont you give it a break, yes the whatever was aimed at me , thats why it wasnt helpful.
and no my friends are not frightened of me they are sat here now jaws on the floor in complete shock at your attitude
i got issues?!
yeah i have an issue with my life , i have a problem that i keep going to help people offer them advice and understanding and some stubborn minded people seem to think that they are the only ones entitled to therefore keep telling me i have issues....right:s
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A
female
reader, jolene +, writes (2 February 2006):
 just for thought , is it really ok to hurt someone you love just because you are not hiding it
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (2 February 2006):
whatever was directed at you mystify.....
I didnt attack you personally, go back and read my very first letter to the person asking the question. Yes I asked several questions, but quite frankly you DO have issues that you need to sort out. I DIDN'T ahve a go at you I offered an opinion. I feel you need now to back of and leave it. Why are you so vitriolic and patronising to others who do not share your viewpoint? This is a sign of low self-essteem and a closed mind. You are ENTITLED to your opinion. I on the other hand am entitled to disagree with it, as are other people.
You read this out to others with you and they agreed with you? They are probably too frightned not to!
I wish you well mystify, and I must say I am mystified as to why you will pick a fight over something like a difference of opinion on a thread about pornography. Yes you may feel strongly about it but it doesn't mean others cannot feel equally strongly about it too. And their answers are just as valid as yours....whatever they stand for.
Don't try to tell me about how porn degrades and all that. I ALREADY KNOW!!! You missed the point of what I was saying b4. This reader is upset about her husbands use of porn and probably didn't want a lecture on the evils of the porn industry. Just a civil word from people telling her how to mangae the siuation.
I wish you well mystify as I said b4. But you know nothing about me or my views on this subject. Or even why I hold these views, so don't be so blinkered in judging me.
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 February 2006):
whatever?! yep i can see that will help this person,
anon i read this page out to my husband and to my friend and to her husband and all of them agreed i am being started on here , i am not being arguementative , funny how you pro porn peeps always seem to think you are being attacked when infact you are doing the attacking , willy started on me from the moment i made my comment being "arguementative" dismissing my comments and getting personnel! and you are doing the same here!
if i choose to defend myself when some starts being like that with me then who are you to say i am the arguementative one?!
no i dont have problems, being empathetic to the women, menand children whos lives get messed up by this topic is not having problems
empathy hmmmm , thats something you guys are all lacking, i really dont think its right for a woman who dosent have a porn addition whoes husband dosent have a porn additction and dosent have to deal with porn to sit back and tell another woman with real feelings and issues with the subject that its healthy for him to upset her this way, she has a comfy back seat, this woman is living with it!
wheres the empathy?!
i have issues in my life and have had plenty more in the past but you know what i think that when someone has a problem its much better to hear from someone who has been there , come through it, or understands. but porn no, like i said my concern comes from seeing what it does to so many people its not personnel and i dont seek to rectify my empathy, it is a good thing.
maybe YOU shouldnt comment on a feeling you obviously have no understanding of!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006): this is ridiculous, yes to the writer of the question, your husband is not hiding it and yes I believe you are over-reacting. Mystify why are you being so argumentative - you have problems and until you rectify them you shouldn't comment. Wombat, give up.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (2 February 2006):
whatever
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 February 2006):
hang on i minute ..i got personnal?!!!!
i saw at least 3 personnal "digs" at me including a personel insult in your reply! i simply responded.
i "diss" pschycology for a reason , i studied it for years to but in the end i left because more and more all i saw was psychologists doing invalid experiments with invalid means using a narrow range of people and never finding anything solid that couldnt be prooved wrong a couple of years later in fact the more i studied the more i realised that in most respects there is no real science to human behaviour (although i will admit given certain circumstances there can be but thats differant altogether!)
and porn is always degrading in one way or another even the ones who show women as strong , why do they do that , its done in a way for a typically male fantasy , wheres the porn with a man with an unobtainable body walking in on the slightly overwieght sagging woman and taking her strong etc....no that would be degrading to ! but we dont see it cos woman are the sex objects which leads me to the next point as to why its always degrading , a man who watches this stuff cease to see girls as anything more than sex! can lead to rapes and sexual abuse, "dressed like that she was asking for it" "she was flirting so she wanted it"
and what about the women who want to have thier hair long flowing and blond and want to wear make up and want to wear heels gets to an interview and does she get the job ...no cos she couldnt possible be good at anything other than a blow job!
i agree with you about the mags i have said the same thing myself , whats worse is you see the mens mags , they have half naked women on the fron, then you see the womens mags ..yep, half naked women on the front!, in fact you go into the news agents and look at the mag rack there is nothing but a sea of naked women with probably just one naked man on the front of ...you guessed it a MANS gay porn mag, which adds to the point that this is a mans world, how can a girl ever really be shown as visual if there inever anything to look at (unless she likes looking at women) but dig futher look at how women behave when they are impowered look at male strip clubs etc then you see these "psychologists" just might not be right afterall
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 February 2006):
and by the way (THE WAY I SEE IT,and i understand others might not) there are not rules with how people enjoy sex , my husband loves speech and feelings and i like looking, this goes for so many people i know, too often we are told "we are men the same as all men" "we are women the same as all women" when will we ever be told we are individuals.
to the girl asking this question
be who you want to be , feel what you want to feel, deal with it the way that feels right to you, you cant really be overeacting cos you are just human with your own personnal feelings towards something that upsets you. if you really cant take these feelings and cant go on like this then really something has gotta give before you lose it whether it be him stopping or something else
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (2 February 2006):
And I am a crap typist x
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (2 February 2006):
You have your right to your opinion mystify. I have my right to mine. Not that you know what my opinion is anyway - you just presume you do from what I have replied. Anyhow, since you ahve got prsonal FYI I do not have any opinions on porn at all to tell you the truth. I am lucky enuff to not *need* it and lucky enuff to have a hubby who doesn't use it. That is not to say I do not have problems of my own (and some of the readers on this site have been fabulously helpful :-) )
I agree with you that porn can be desructive and there is a lot of anecdotal evidence to show that hard-core porn can be pretty lethal in the wrong hands. (but then waht ARE the right hands.)
You diss psychology, well diss away, but a someone with a doctorate in this subject and whose speciatlity is drugs and behaviour maybe I don't know enuff about this subject to shoot my mouth off. Not all porn is degrading, there are soft porn filmsand porn deliberately designed for women that shows women as strong. Sex is not something to be ashamed of, but anything which degrades one gender or another is - so I agree that the use of this material is pretty grim.
But I do have more of an issue with so-called "fitness videos" or lads mags (as opposed to porn mags which do not hide behind the cover of *we read the articles*) I also have an issue with girls who aspire to be like Pammy and that no-mark Jordan, getting on thru have big tits. Cosmoplitan. Marie Claire.....all these are far worse. Contributing to eating disorders and the so-called perfect lifestyle.
Sorry again for hyjacking this thread, my fault this time.
x
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 February 2006):
hi , i meant to write sometimes i wish i could say more an i really wish to help the people o respond to , :s
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 February 2006):
yes you are right willy this is a site to help others , which is why i added my view if i read a problem and i see what others have said im not saying they are not right by adding my view i am simply telling the person who has the problem a differant viewpoint afterall you and pops wrote your answers as if they are the "fact" and leave very little room for the possibility that what you are saying may not be accurate...
i mean pops say ...yes you are overacting to this poor woman and tells her "he DOES have a healthy libido" and you say men "as a RULE" rely on visual stimulus" im sorry if i offend you by offering something else to this woman that is based on the many thousands of obsevations made by me and people i know...NOT from what a few "psychologists decide is right and wrong not based on any kinda real hard evidence
and honey if i have any kind of issue with porn is due to the hurt and pain it cause so many lives , the women in the videos are subjected to so much abuse , the wives , husbands of the people that use it, the thousands of children that come from broken homes that crumbled from the use of porn, the little girl aspiring to be the plastic girls they see their dads worshiping !
so yeah maybe i do byut its an issue i am proud to have not something i feel the need to deal with, in my personnel life i am fortunate enough to not have to deal with it at all, therefore it is not a personnel issue for me.
willy you say this isnt a place to attack others opinions well then why were you so quick to jump in and diss me for offering a differant viewpoint to yours, hmmmm
yes of course im not right all the time but this isnt about being right or wrong its about being helpful to the person who needs help , i saw that this person had been told men ARE this and men DO that and women are the other , well i wanted to share with her a differant viewpoint and if it offends you that i did then maybe YOU have issues with porn!
by the way have you ever thought that this is still a very male charged and powered world and with all that power in politics and the media prehaps its only really their perceptions and needs that are shown in society
in the london underground a poster was banned because it had a woman with a load of half naked men looking like sex objects it was banned by the men in power because it was degrading to men! now you compare that to all the degrading pics of women as sex objects they allow and you tell me whats up with that !
sorry to the person who asked this question . but i wouldnt want anyone to think i wasnt trying to help you , sometimes i really wish to help those i respond to
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (2 February 2006):
This is about helping the individual with their problems, not about having a go at tohers who may have a different point of you to yourself. If we all thought the same way then there would be no need for these sorts of problem pages would there now mystify?
Pops and co may have different opinions to yourself but it does not mean they are any less valid than yours, and sometimes by playing devil's advocate it can make the individual think about things from another perspective, so mystify you are not always right seweetie! Obviously you also have issues with the use of porn so maybe you need to sort them out first.
Female anon, who addressed this question in the first place I would like to apologise to YOU if I offened YOU in any way. I am just trying to offer an alternative viewpoint form your own, and whilst I have emapthy with how you are feeling, you have asked for other peoples opinions and I have given mine. Unfortunately the thread was hijacked by people with issues of their own to deal with. I hope you will forgive me and them for this.
I was just trying to explain that whilst women are as a rule turned on by the written word, feelings and speech men can be quite simple creatures who need the use of visual stimuli to *get off*.(sorry if I manage to offend anybody else with this, but there is a lot of research out there to prove this point) I should suggest that this probably does not reflect you partner's feelings for you as he obviously loves you and wants to be with you. But I do feel (as I said before) that he really doesn't know how upset you are by this situation. Have you tried to talk to him calmly about this (ie, not in the middle of a row or at a time when you can both be distracted)
I do think tho this is a simple issue which if you come to an agreement can be sorted out, and I hope you get what you want and need from your marriage. I wish you all the very best.
Good luck hun x.
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (31 January 2006):
willywombat if "men " rely on visual stimulus to get turned on what is wrong with using the woman of thier dreams..thier partner!!!!!!!!!
a man with a healthy libido can easily get by on being with thier woman.
oh and when you fall in love if yu find out that your partner was into porn its not unrealistic to expect your partner to stop when you become an item after all when you do they have you, and they have a love for you that means they shouldnt wish to hurt you.
oh and by the way whats this big deal with men excusing this behavouir by saying men " rely on visuals", i am a woman and i like horny images as much as the next guy but i dont use it as an excuse to hurt my partner.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 January 2006):
No you are not overreacting if this offends you. But can I ask did you know about his use of porn before you married? If he did use it then what made you think he would give it up afterwards? I am not trying to be deliberately contraversial but I am genuinely interested.
do think you could talk to him about how it makes you feel. And listen to him when he tells you why he uses it.
Men, as a rule, rely on visual stimulus to get turned on. I think your husband has a healthy libido and as he is not hiding it from you I really believe he has no idea exactly how much he is hurting you with this habit.
I hope you acn work things out so you are both happy, and I wish you good luck x
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (30 January 2006):
no you are not over reaccting as so many people have said you are intitled to feel what you feel, i would never date a man who was into porn, so many people seem to want others to sucumb to porn or advise people to live with it to keep someones porn habit thriving,
whats going on with that , those of you out there who do like porn why do you seem intent on disregarding other peoples naturel feelings to something that is seen by so many as cheating.
these people (pops) are not trying to help you and certaintly cant empathise with what you are going trough, you get this all the time on this site , my advise is always to seek help from those who can empathise with what you are feeling , they are the ones who will be able to tell you ways to work trough this
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): I think everyone is entitled to their opinion, and your response is uniquely yours and it really does not matter what others think of your reaction. I think the problem is that porn can be a distraction from a relationship. You say he doesn't hide it from you and that's good. If you put an ultimatum on the porn, he may then decide to do it secretly which you wouldn't want either. I think any good relationship involves compromise and you and your husband need to talk together and decide a resolution. Discuss the reasons why you hate porn and have your husband tell you why he enjoys porn. Maybe once each of you understands your feelings on the subject you can make a better decision regarding your problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): My husbands porn consists of a lot of images of women being tortured. Care to comment?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): No! You're not over reacting! The importance of a relationship is that 2 people agree with eachother! If you were doing something that he disapproved of, he would let you know in a heart beat! Put your foot down and tell him to knock it off!
It would be different if you agreed with him and watched it with him but if you disagree ... he should respect that and stop. All together, when a husband is doing something behind your back that he wouldn't do in front of you even if you already know and he knows how you feel about it,that is still dishonest on his part! I think the real issue is that he is being selfish and isn't considering,"How does my wife feel about this?"
That's the important thing! Marriages and relationships all over the world fall apart because someone isn't listening to their partner and honoring them just as much in secret as they do face to face.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2005): No. If it bothers you, leave. We used to be required to stay home and tend to the house and prepare hot meals. Now, we have the choice. If enough of us say "no, thanks" to porn, we may have a fighting chance. I would rather be alone than with a pig. It is an individuals choice to deal with or not. Some women love porn and love that their mates love porn. More power to them! But don't sacrafice your happiness, because "that's just what men do". Why aren't there websites to fantasize about dating other men? Romance novels don't count, the characters aren't real.
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female
reader, verysad +, writes (31 October 2005):
no you are not overreacting i fell the same way.i've been married thirty yrs.i hate it .i feel like he's cheating.also feel like i'm competing.if it were up to me porn would be banned..... period.no morals left in this world.when did nudity & sex become a spectators sport ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2005): No No No YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING. Pops (once again) has manged to give a respeonse to the ever increasing porn issues with a total disregard (or lack of understanding) of the way porn degrade women. Eveb=n these so called couple legit porn films he recommends will only present women in a very narrow unrealistic way. You will never see an average looking women (although youlll see many average men) in these films. There is a disresepct of how real women look and behave. Honestly pops....I know that you must be a nice person and I see some good advice but you seem to have just a we bit of anger towards women and a little mysogynistic view happening. I dont want to flame you but need to say this.....You really appear to have VERY LITTLE understanding of the way poern affect many women (may I go as far as suggesting that you reconsider offering advice in this topic until you read a few decent informative books about the portryal of women in media and porn especially?????)
To the OP soory, dont want to hyjack thread but couldnt see any way to say this and I hope if Pops reads this he will resepond....
Women who are secure in themselves and have high self esteem demand men do not use this crap.....Stand up for yourself and all women...
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reader, pops +, writes (22 October 2005):
Yes, you are overreacting. He has a healthy libido, and is interested in sex. Most of porn explores things he may never be interested in doing, but is fascinating to know other people are. Watch it with him. Comment on the men and women, on what they are doing. If something looks erotic to you, tell him. Laugh when you see someone doing something you think is outrageous and talk to him about it. Talk about sex to him. Many women own porn, and watch porn on a regular basis. It is a turn on for both men and women. They even have porn movies made by women and aimed at women as a market. Much of that is Lesbian sex, but there are some romantic, soft core porn movies out there, too. Check BetterSex.com on the web, where they having a rating system to tell you what the films contain . Get the BetterSex videos, or dvds for your husband and you to watch. They are very educational, and now cover sex from A to Z. They show real couples making love, and you get the real sense that you may be invading their privacy by watching the film! They show couples how to be loving towards each other, no matter what the activity is. You rarely see that from Hollywood.
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