A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive got a little problem and Im not sure what to do. In a nutshell, the problem is I hate it when my girlfriend drinks. A little background:We are both in our late 30’s and in a nearly two year, long distance relationship, both of us have been married before and divorced….her, a dozen years ago and my divorce is nearly two years past. She has children, I do not but I love her and her great kids completely and we do very well, comparatively, with the long distance challenges. Lately, however, she has been drinking - mostly on the weekends and when she does, she becomes easily offended, confrontational and hyper-sensitive to everything I do and say. I don’t care that she has a drink…I drink but she lies to me about drinking, even though I can tell she has been. While we’ve never had an actual fight, last night I had to shout over her to tell her, “Im hanging up now because this conversation isn’t going anywhere but BAD…FAST and Im not going to say something I’ll wish I hadnt!” and then I hung up. She doesn’t even remember the conversation. She just knows she woke up “feeling sad”. Then she started drinking more today because she thinks that was “our first fight”. It’s getting ridiculous and while I love her so much, Im getting to the point where I don’t want to be with her, Im feeling resentful and well, hurt by her always targeting me when she is like this.We just had a very long phone conversation where I told her I am really not liking this and feel myself beginning to withdraw and am not looking forward to talking with or interacting with her anymore. In fact, receiving her texts today caused quite a bit of anxiety. I asked her if there is something Im doing or not doing to encourage or cause this and she just said she feels like she’s losing everyone at the same time. I don’t know what that means and she was too intoxicated to explain it.I really do love her but Im at a loss. Both of us have professional careers that keep us only able to see each other about once every other month and I have every intention of marrying this woman but Im sitting here typing this thinking to myself, This can only get worse and I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to go through another divorce!Anyway….thoughts? Insight? Criticism? Bring it…Thanks very much,
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divorce, long distance, she lies, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Have her take this quiz. My wife did, and it opened her eyes.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
My wife wasn't even a heavy drinker, she was a drinker though, and was drinking a lot more than I realized at times.
When she really admitted to herself what she was doing, she got help, and life is a lot better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): *original poster*
Thank you Pixiegirls. I dont think she's always had a problem with alcohol, but whether she commonly becomes combative when she’s intoxicated, maybe. Something is obviously bothering her and two of our friends nearly broke my heart when they both said, at separate times, "Yeah, she's unhappy."
When I spoke to her this morning and tried to get into some of the details, she clearly shut down and didnt even want me to bring up the word "alcohol"...mostly, embarrassment, she said. I said, "Wow...ok. That's not going to accomplish much and could send this deeper." I told her if it’s just a thing she's going through right now and doesnt want, or isnt ready, to discuss it, ok. I'm here when/if she's ready, but I really mean it when I say that these events are wearing on me and making an already challenging situation, worse.
I dont want to make her feel guilty, but I was always taught that guilt is the natural result when realizing you screwed up and you need to fix it. Plus, I REALLY dont want to anticipate more of this next weekend.
We'll just keep at it and hope for the best, I suppose.
Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (16 January 2011):
 Aside from knowing if she's always had a problem with alcohol, the changes you are noticing may be a result of of her feeling unhappiness or depression. Has she lost friends recently that she would talk to and hang out with?You will get nowhere being angry and accusing her of her drinking...she will most likely remain defensive (or not remember) what you say to her. It's possible something is bothering her that she may just not want to tell you at the moment, and drinking is a way to kill the pain or problem.Try to see if she can somewhow explain why she thinks she might be drinking more (when she is sober), but don't feel you have to put up with drunk dialing, txts, etc. Those seem to be conversations you might always lose in.If she isn't able to be honest with you about why her drinking has increased, you may want to consider if it's worth staying in the LD relationship. By being apart, it can only make it harder for you to try and figure out what the problem might be.I wish you luck!
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