A
male
age
41-50,
*j3000
writes:I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4.5 months. To begin with, he's 19, and I'm 28, but the age difference has never really been something that got in the way.For the first 3-4 months, things were amazing and we were texting 20-40 times a day, seeing each other at weekends. We fell for each other really hard. As the relationship matured, we texted less as we settled into things, but kept seeing each other on weekends and having a good time. However, I began to feel like things had "changed", and this started to affect me negatively, and have doubts. I voiced these doubts subtly, but he said he had no idea what I was talking about.In the last month or so, I started getting really worked up when we were together, whenever things didn't go as planned. For example, we tried to go to a movie a couple of weekends ago, but the train broke down en-route and we couldn't get there, so I got really angry and into a mood. He was upset, but I didn't really understand why. Things cooled off and I thought things were okay, but I realized I needed to look at my behavior and alter it accordingly.Finally, last weekend, I went to meet his his family, and I thought it was a lovely weekend. However I noticed he wasn't as attentive and affectionate as usual, and conversation was awkward. I texted him the next evening and asked if he was truly happy, and if he wanted me to break up with him. He said I was being stupid, but that he had realized that yes, things had changed now. This got me even more upset, until we talked the next night and he said I have to stop reading between the lines and twisting words, and that he still wants to be with me. I told him I had realized I need to change my behavior and be more positive about things. Everything was okay for a day, until he came to visit me. I had begun to think that no, it wasn't ALL in my head, and that he was indeed acting differently. I asked him about this in person, and again he said yes things were different, but he wanted to persevere. We made up, and things were hunky dory, or so I thought.Which brings me to now, a day or so later. I just can't help but think that this turnaround in his behavior has been so sudden. We barely text (not for lack of trying on my behalf) and he is different with me in person.I feel I can look back on things clearly now, and I see a lot of this is my fault. My fear and insecurities invented a problem when there was no problem at all, and I made him think that we had a problem. So now these seeds of doubt are in his head, and I worry that it's too late, I've done the damage, they've taken root. I hate feeling needy, and clingy, and like I want him more than he wants me, but I feel this is the reality now. My only defense is that this is my first, real relationship, and I've always struggled with insecurity and confidence issues.It's so painful because I've realized how much he truly means to me and how much I love him... I would dearly like some outside perspective. Thanks.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 You need to try and get the chase back in to the relationship. You need to try and get independant and not contact him as much let him do some of the work. Start on things by arranging to go out with friends and get a good social life outside of the relationship, keep yourself busy so that you are not always thinking on things. Join new clubs or groups to build up your confidence.
Cut contact from him let him do all the contacting and just reply to him, give him some distance and space and believe me he will come to you when he realises that you are starting to get on with your life and not including him in everything. You will be more attractive to him if you let him do some of the chasing and when he realises that you have a busy life and you dont need him in it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): I know exactly where you are coming from. I am the same. Believe me different people bring out different sides of you. I think you just need to take a step back and wait for him to come forwards texting or ringing you. If he does keep things light and stop yourself from keep asking him if something is wrong. Men are like elastic bands if you pull away they soon come forwards looking for you. Let him see that he needs you. Try it, it really works! Keep yourself busy and stop yourself from thinking about him so much and things will get better.
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