A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m incredibly confused and ashamed of what I did the other night. When I was 10 my mother got remarried and along with her new marriage came my stepbrother who is 2 years older than I am. Despite the fact that I wasn’t too happy about the whole situation from the get go, I was pleasantly surprised by how sweet my stepbrother was. He instantly took me under his wing and before long I found I was actually happy to have a big brother watching out for me. He was always very protective, which felt good, especially once we hit high school and I knew I could always trust him to be there for me, ready and willing to beat the living hell out of any guy who even thought about mistreating me. Aside from always being a total sweetheart and charming as hell, he was also very handsome. I remember multiple occasions where I’d just roll my eyes as my girlfriends practically begged me to hook them up with him.To make a long story short though, I’m 25 now and just recently broke up with my boyfriend whom I had been living with for almost a year. My stepbrother is 27 and has been married for the last 3 years. When I called him up and told him that I had gotten into a fight with my boyfriend, which had escalated to the point of him striking me, my stepbrother was there in an instant to help me pack up my things and make damn sure that my now ex-boyfriend didn’t dare lay a hand on me. I ended up staying with him and his wife for 2 weeks until I found a new apartment, then he helped me move in. After helping me unload my stuff we sat there for a while and talked. He told me how he couldn’t stand the thought of some guy laying their hands on me and how I was the most important thing in the world to him and always had been. He caressed my cheek lovingly with his hand as he told me this. Afterward we just kind of sat there for a moment staring into each other’s eyes. Then, before I even knew what was happening, he leaned in and kissed me and all of the sudden we were making out like crazy. I couldn’t believe what was happening; I was just so caught up in the moment, filled with lust and passion. It was like someone had suddenly opened up a flood gate and all of these years’ worth of repressed desires and sexual tension had just come pouring out. I had never been so filled with lust in my life as we sat there on my couch making out while my stepbrother felt me up. We finally broke away from each other just long enough to make our way to the bedroom where we quickly stripped off our clothes and had sex right there on my bed. I practically begged him to. I just wanted it so much.After we were done he left to go home and I just laid there by myself in bed crying, feeling horrible for what we had just done. I love his wife so much I don’t think I can ever face her again. I can’t imagine how guilty he must feel. What would our parents say? I feel completely disgusting. I almost want to die. What should I do?
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male
reader, rockerone +, writes (17 October 2013):
It seems that your brother had sexual feelings for you. don't blame yourself and you need to discuss it with yiour brother and knbow how he feels about it. The same incident happened to someone I know. You can privately message me and I will tell you how they dealt with it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): OP You've had a lot of responses here from some very concerned aunts. It's been a 3 days. Are you okay?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 OP; I always formally thought that cheating had something to do with a person having the ‘intention’ to act dishonestly – to do wrong and too continue to do wrong, time after time. Since we know what cheating refers to today, it’s generally premeditated; a deliberate act and usually relates to being sexually unfaithful (to a spouse); even if it’s a one of mistake.
Yet I read here, there was no premeditation on your part, nor do I see this as a ‘deliberate’ act with the intention to do wrong, but an act that went wrong fed by the moment, compounded by all those years, which now plagues you with genuine remorse.
Furthermore I can see how this got out of hand and why it’s frowned upon being that he’s your married Step-Brother, who undoubtedly is/would be feeling guilty. It’s an icky situation to be sure. But you both succumb to your repressed feelings for one another in this ‘one’ moment!
Strangely enough the warning bell never ever sounds loud enough when needed; at the time you briefly broke away from each other… To be sure you’re both wise enough to know this was a mistake and must not happen again, nor be in a situation of temptation or vulnerability… As for who should be the one to confess and to whom and when etc, I will not enter into that argument.
Let’s just say; what you should do is perhaps confess to your maker, give a face apology to your Step-brother for your part and accept that you are a person with good conscience who regrets her mistake; (as some people have no conscience and continue to practise their deceit). Here you will not put yourself in this situation ever again and learn something valuable from it as hard as it may seem at present.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Sarasvati +, writes (4 October 2013):
 It's obvious that you and your stepbrother have an undeniably strong relationship. He genuinely cares about you, and it's no wonder this happened. For that, I agree with most other users that you should not feel overly disgusted with yourself. Humanity makes mistakes; we're only mortal and we should not be judged when we don't live up to someone else's perfect standards.
I am not condoning the act, however. Cheating in every respect is dishonest and reprehensible. No one wants to be cheated on. I believe what is best is to distance yourself from him now, and allow things to cool off. It was the heat of the moment that spurred you. Don't give yourself the chance to repeat the incident. Make sure you aren't alone with him, and make it clear to him that it will never happen again. Tell him you made a grave mistake and that you were feeling vulnerable.
Hopefully you can chalk this up to a momentary lapse of judgment (which happens to the best of us, I assure you dear). But please, for your sake, your stepbrother's, and his wife's PLEASE do not do it again. It will only hurt all three of you.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (4 October 2013):
 Male anonymous, you say that the OP should atone for her behaviour. Atone means to make amends. How can she possibly make amends, other than not have sex with her step brother again... and I don't know if you noticed in her post, but that sounds highly unlikely. Did you not read how disgusted she is with herself already? She can't turn back time, she has to work out a way to live with herself. She already knows what she did was very wrong, to the point where she has considered ending her life, so calling her childish and despicable is very unhelpful and possibly dangerous. I hope she doesn't come back here to read that, to be honest.
I maintain that it is really not the responsibility of the OP to tell his wife. It is his marriage and his responsibility. I don't mean that the OP should lie or be deceitful. I actually think she should lay low for a while and look after herself, examine why all this happened and work out how she can maintain healthy family ties. And that why I suggested counselling. A counsellor will be neutral and NON-JUDGEMENTAL.
I am not condoning what happened, but the OP obviously wasn't in the best frame of mind (to say the least) coming out of an abusive relationship and was already vulnerable in need of support. She's needs even more support now, not name calling.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (4 October 2013):
 To the male reader who would prefer to remain anonymous.
I do hear what you're saying and ordinarily I too would advocate honesty, lying is never good I agree, but I am not suggesting she lie!
I am suggesting she just says nothing. If, of course, the sister in law was to confront her then of course she should tell the truth!
But what I was suggesting was that she refrained from saying anything NOT to protect the OP but to protect a wife and a family.
What they did was very wrong, the OP knows that and is beating herself up badly for it and will no doubt continue to do so.
It is the husband (step brother's) place to tell his wife and atone his marriage!
What you are suggesting will just hurt more people than have already been affected. How will it make anything better? How does it atone?
The wife and young family will be destroyed, her mother and his father will be destroyed and it could damage their relationship because they will each take their child's side.
Any brothers and sisters and the wife's family will be destroyed.
The OP will still feel bad, in fact even worse, she already said she feels like dying! Her entire family being destroyed by this could tip her over the edge!
So I'm failing to see how you're advice is GOOD, HELPFUL and PRODUCTIVE.
I am NOT advocating affairs, cheating etc and never will, I also will never advocate lying BUT and this a big one each scenario must be evaluated by it's own merit.
I stand by my advice and am not scared to be judged for it.
Hence I do not hide behind anonymity and am proud to put my name to what I say!
AB
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): I understand some of the anguish you’re feeling just now. I had a somewhat similar experience many years ago. I was filled with self-loathing for a long time. It was quite a few years (decades, actually) before I really came to terms with it. You’re older than I was, so hopefully you’ll sort it out in your mind without wasting as much unproductive time fretting as I did.
You’ve made it perfectly clear that you understand that it was a mistake, and why. Guilt is underrated – it keeps us from making some bad mistakes a second time. You’re not going to do it again. Nonetheless, the others have given good advice about not being alone with him, and avoiding her until you’ve got your head on straight.
They are also right that you are not solely to blame. He was unfaithful, he broke his vows. Keep that in mind when you can’t resist beating yourself up.
I don’t know if counselling would have helped me, but I doubt it would have hurt. Time will help, but it works so slowly.
Be kind to yourself. Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean you don’t think it was wrong, it just means that you’ve learned from it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): I am genuinely shocked at how many people consider lies and deceit to be the viable option here.
Do you all really consider it the best thing to let someone go on living a lie, believing their partner to be something they are not?
The truth is always the best option in these matters. His wife is now the one who should decide if the relationship can b3 salvaged. The husband and yourself already made your decision when you deliberately cheated. A choice. Neither of you had a gun to your head.
Tell the wife because he won't. By cheating he already showed himself to be a coward. And cowards have to be forced yo tell the truth.
It is no longer your decision to make. Let the truth out and the chips will fall where they may.
Only then can you begin to forgive yourself.
The wife is already hurt beyond all reason. She just can't feel it yet. But the truth will come out at some point. And the longer it takes the worse the pain will be for her.
Do the right thing now. Tell here and try to atone for your childish and despicable mistake.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (3 October 2013):
Aunty Daisy Daisy really does give fabulous advice doesn't she? :)
She's so right! You are beating yourself up way too much and you are not the only one to blame.
Yes it was a very wrong thing to do but you both know that.
Coming clean and telling his wife will not make you feel better, it will not turn back time and it will hurt her beyond anything imaginable.
This is one time to keep it to yourself. I agree a counsellor could help a lot.
I don't believe it was years of pent up passion and desire coming out I think you were vulnerable and had just split from an abusive boyfriend. You needed comfort and reassurance and sadly your step brother took advantage.
Being with a step sibling is not illegal in any way but he is married and an older brother figure.
I think he should have had more self control. He should not have put you in that situation.
I know it takes two and all that but you were in a very vulnerable place emotionally and he's taken advantage of that.
As Daisy says let him sort out his marriage (I doubt he'll tell) and I suggest you keep quiet where his wife is concerned, but do talk to a counsellor.
Do not let this happen again, if he comes round again looking for a repeat performance tell him quite clearly, no!
Chalk this one up to experience and move forward my love.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): You are not alone. A lot of people (myself included) have slept with someone they should not have. It gets easier to deal with as you learn to forgive yourself. You are not a bad person. You didn't go out of your way to hurt anyone. There is a strong bond between you, i'm only surprised you haven't slept together before now. What happens next you are responcible for as previous poster already said. You have to deal with the consquences even if that means talking about it or ducking away from each other for several months until its not such a raw thing to deal with. One mistake will not ruin everything. You care for his wife so be the friend to her now and adjust your behaviour accordingly because you can't change the past. Which means, don't let this mistake happen twice and don't let it ruin their marriage by confessing to it. If the marriage ends and you have feelings for each other then go for it IF you want. But right now, be the friend, be the sister. A mistake is just a life lesson meant to teach us all to be wiser.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 October 2013):
Hi OP, yes you did something very wrong but I feel you're punishing yourself enough. You say you almost want to die - if those feelings get worse, please seek urgent help.
Don't place the blame all on yourself. You are equally responsible, of course, and you have to let yourself feel the regret so you learn from it and never do anything with your step brother (or any other married men) ever again. But don't let that regret tip you over the edge.
Let your step brother look after his marriage. You must look after yourself.
Do you think going to discuss all of this with an impartial counsellor or therapist might help you? I can see that this is very difficult/ impossible to talk about with those closest to you, but you need to talk to someone.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Wiseowl - that is the most unhelpful response imaginable. Condemn to poor woman to more guilt and safe hatred will you?
Now - to the person who posted the question. LISTEN TO ME. Everybody screws up - you are not evil, bad, flawed - you are JUST HUMAN. This was a mistake - everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes we make mistakes that we feel have ruined our entire lives. YOU HAVE NOT RUINED YOUR LIFE. You need to talk to your stepbrother. This does not need to ruin your relationship with him, or with his wife - but it is important that she never knows - or else the collateral damage from this will makes things much worse. You don't want to ruin someone else's life because of a moment of craziness. Unfortunately for us as humans, we're still animals - and sometimes hormones just take over and we are so stressed/alone/sad/lustful that we just succumb to them and go with what is happening. I stress again - this does not make you a bad person.
Are you religious? If so, prayer or talking to a pastor will help. If not, find someone in the family, that you trust with all your heart and talk to them about what happened. You will get over this. In years to come this will be a mistake that you wish never happened, but it WILL NOT ruin your life - and as long as your stepbrother's wife doesn't find out about it - there's no need for it to ruin your family's life either.
Make sure it never happens again. Have a good talk with your stepbrother and set some very clear boundaries.
You didn't murder someone. You haven't committed an unforgivable sin. It was premeditated. Forgive yourself. Move on. Remember that time heals.
I really feel for you. I hope that you'll take my advice and not be consumed with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Yikes. I would say you and your step brother should keep this between you and don't tell anyone. Let him decide if he wants to tell his wife. I think he should, but that's his decision for him to make. I don't know how you can face her now. I would suggest you move out of town and avoid your step brother for awhile. Then after some time has passed see if you think you should tell his wife or if you should just try to put it out of your mind.
I think his marriage was not that strong if he could cheat on her with - of all people - his sister. He also said, before the lust took over, that YOU were the most important thing in his life. Married men don't usually say their sister is the most important person to them. Usually they are supposed to say its their kids or if they don't have any then their wife.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 October 2013):
 To say that you almost want to die means that I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you almost want to, but that you are in sufficient control of things to not contemplate someone that would bring even greater pain to those who love you.
However to even hint those words means that it is very important that you seek counselling immediately.
For that reason I plead with you to please make contact with these FREE sites to talk things through and please read the site below.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/original.htm
1-800-784-2433 – suicide
1-800-273-8255 – talk
Yes what you and he did was wrong and a betrayal. However you need to strengthen the woman inside you. Since if your self esteem had been higher you would never have contemplated this betrayal.
yes it was wrong. But your stepbrother also took advantage of your vulnerable state. So don't beat up on yourself and don't give yourself 100% of the blame.
And please seek out ways to improve your self esteem
Sometimes a break from a boyfriend is the best thing to happen. Though it does not seem so at the time.
There may be others who will blame you.
Your job is to work on growing as a person, coming to terms with what happened and learning from this mistake.
NOT taking a step that would only compound the problem and make it far far worse.
My good wishes to you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Easy, don't do it again, don't tell anyone.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (3 October 2013):
 All I can say is that it will never feel worse than it does now. As time goes by you will forgive yourself--maybe slowly, but it will happen. You made a mistake, you understand it was a mistake, and it doesn't make you a bad person, just a person who made a bad choice.
Obviously, cool down on the contact with your stepbrother and his wife. Don't visit with them any time soon. Let him decide how he wants to handle things with his wife. It's pretty clear that this was a one-time mistake and not something you intend to repeat, so I'm not actually sure that his wife is better off hearing about something that will likely destroy her. She definitely won't be happier for knowing, if she does find out. Telling her may alleviate your guilt and his, but what horrible knowledge to burden someone with in order to clear your conscience. Personally I'd keep it to myself, for that reason only.
For now the guilt you feel is its own punishment. You may benefit from seeking counseling to understand why you were so drawn to your stepbrother and how you can best move forward from what has happened. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Before questioning what to do about the situation i think you have to think about what you think of the situation .... you said it opened up all those years repressed desires. So if wifey wasn't in the picture nor parents, would he be someone you would want to see romantically or was this a one time thing with no wish to repeat again as you got the whole curiousity thing out of system? Once you know what you feel honestly then you can address how you deal with it.
He's married so he's off limits without even knowing his feelings on the matter. Can't do anything else (if you wish to) with him romantically unless wifey gone. It's important to know what his feelings are. Where he stands with it. It could have been just a slip up because you were both feeling vurable/protective or he could like you like you but felt you were off limits with the whole parents married thing. I think you shouldn't blame yourselves nor tell anyone, i think its natural response when so close to a non-relative of the opposite sex of the same age. You are both not to blame but be you are both accountable for what happens next now your eyes are opened.
It may be arkward but i think you need to talk with him. To clear the air and say do we carry on as normal from here or have we changed things? I mean you have most certainly changed things but whether you want that to effect your relationship or your lives is another matter.
You are not disgusting, you are human. You acted on a long standing closenss moved forward first physically by him. You didn't plan to steal a husband and i'm not so sure that is what you have done either. You have strong feelings for each other. A slip up happens. Many marriages bare secret mistakes because there are more important things than an oops. One night with you means nothing in a sense if he spends every night until he dies with her.
Your parents may be shocked at first if they found out you got together after so long but do you know what .... your not really brother/sister so i can imagine your parents at leasting thinking it's a possibility as you grew up that you might like each other. I think they would judge more the married aspect of it rather than being step siblings. But no matter what, you are there children, martial mess ups or not, they will love you unconditionally or come around in time. Parental love strong. Parents are also not prefect, they will have messed up just as badly in a variety of different ways.
Not worth dying over ..... six months from now it won't seem so bad. Its part shock what you are going through, that it happened and you are naturally scared of ramifications. Scared of what it does or does not mean. Scared about what it says about you or him. Worried about what others will think. No one else need know but if you feel in deadly mood then talk to a therapist.
I think talk to your "brother", go from there. Be prepared to fake smiles with family for a while if it just stays between the two of you.
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Come clean. The guilt will only get worse and worse until you do. Don't talk to the step bro about it because that will give him the chance to discredit you. You need to get in before him.
Then once you have said your piece to the wife... apologise and then leave her and her husband to decide what they do with that information.
We all make mistakes. What matters is how we deal with the consequences.
Above all never, not ever, be alone with him again or talk to him outside of what is absolutely necessary at family functions.
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