| A
female
,
*ani
writes: hi my partner keeps leaving every time we argue ,our arguments can get out of hand i scream +bawl but i calm down as soon as iv had my say i had a baby last yr.+ was diagnosed with postnatal depression but instead of being supportive he kept leaving iv over came my depression with the help of my health visitor i was very down +he keeps flinging everything i said at that time iv tried telling him i was depressed but he does not beleive in postnatal said its me.he also accuses me of wanting my ex also of bein with him its not true i dont know what 2 do i love him but i have other kids 2 i really dont know if id be happier without him or with him he is my 3rd partner i am his 6th please help thanks.there is no drink involved but my partner smokes canabis.iv just lost my gran +my uncle within 2 months my parents are also dead.
View related questions:
depressed, my ex, smokes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (2 May 2006):
 I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I too have had a few years like that (starting about 3.5 years ago when my best friend and bro died.)
I am not sure this will help you but I really hope it does since I hear your pain in your question. I can't tell how old you are (not him but....) I went through this when I was 21 and a new mom.
Okay, here is the thing. While it is immature for him to be so dramatic and to throw things up at you, you are very wrong too. Consider it just as wrong.
Imagine if anyone spoke to you as you have to him (no matter what the circumstances.) He can't know what you are feeling. It may be present with you all the time but until you walk in your shoes, no one will give you a bad behavior pass no matter how much you deserve it.
It is not fair but it is true. You need a new way of tackling your problems. First, if you can get him to counseling, do it! If he won't go, you should go. There are programs that are even free if needed so please research them in your area. (Check the local college.)
I would also focus on you a bit here and do it hoping it will eventually help your relationship, but if not, you will be happier anyway.
Tell him that you realize that no matter what, you have no excuse to treat him poorly and that you can see how it must seem to him. Tell him that while you are worried you won't be able to get it right every time, you will do every thing you can to be respectful and sane. In return, could you have a code word that will remind both of you that you are trying and that when it is evoked, you will both take a time out and try to have a sense of humor about yourselves while you grow. (Try to be creative, use an inside joke or statement like " Start ignoring me while I pull myself together.")
He might also have a good instinct in leaving. You might surprise him by doing so first and taking the little one for a walk. It will amaze you when you do it (so you won't feel abandoned or powerless) how mind calming it can be.
Now for the part I hate the most but we can't escape it. What ever we say is out there for forever. No taking it back. It sucks that they can behave like jerks and ignore your needs or act as if you don't matter anymore. The problem is that when we react in a way that is louder or one step above them (even if it is reasonable given the history or provocation,) we look like the jerks. We play into their hands when we escalate at all. We look good if we can bring it down a notch. We look saintly if we act soothingly and with self-assured, matter of fact, self preservation.
You never have to take bad treatment and if you demand (quietly and respectfully) respect, you will be tested to see if you can blow up and relieve stress for both of you. But eventually, he will look like the immature jerk he is or he will come to and grow with you.
He has no power you do not allow him to take.
Finally, I hope you read up on post pardom. Who cares what he thinks, creating a new person takes hormone build up over only a year. The re-stabilizing of hormone levels takes only like, 6 weeks (of pure hell for all involved) but if you are still feeling depressed, that is no longer PPD. It might be that your PPD triggered a major depressive event. Do not allow a new normal to develop.
With some help, understanding and time, you will overcome. The goal is to admit our part and do all we can to fix it. If I did it (mostly) you can too. Just humble yourself. It is amazing how no one can hurt you when you throw it up in your own face first. When you agree, his rehashing won't hurt so much and he will be able to move on since it no longer will push your buttons.
Good luck!
|
