A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, everyone.I am in a relationship of several years. It's rocky. We have trouble communicating. She often won't tell me what she's thinking and a lot of the time I keep things to myself because I think she'll get sad, defensive, or judgmental. Neither of us seem to worry about being accountable to the other person.A year and a half ago I had an emotional affair with another woman. I've had feelings for her ever since off and on. She realized after participating in the flirtation that she didn't want a part of the drama. I broke down and became very needy toward her then backed off completely.I've been trying to focus on my current relationship, but this woman keeps contacting me. I like the attention and the rapport. I can tell her things that she won't judge me for and vice versa. Any time she contacts me, I think about her non-stop for a few days then forget about her. I then feel great and guilt-free and think of great ideas to work on my relationship.I really have no idea if my current relationship will work out. Sometimes I think it will, sometimes not.Why does this woman keep contacting me? Here's a breakdown of the relationship: I don't let on that I like her and I don't complain to her nor do I ever compliment her. I never talk about the problems I'm having with my girlfriend. I give her good advice when she needs it. I point out when she is being ridiculous to the point of sometimes being mean and I always hope she'll stay away. Am I just a friend and confidant to her? She knows my girlfriend doesn't want me communicating with her and I never contact her first. She must know she is crossing a line. We haven't seen each other in person for months.My girlfriend is very supportive of me and believes in me but selectively listens to me when I talk about what I'd like to work on in our relationship. I wish she would be less touchy so I could talk to her about things.Also, I know I made the wrong decision to have an emotional affair. The only right decision I can think of, looking back, would have been to leave my girlfriend because things were unbearable then. I'm pretty confused and often depressed. My girlfriend only works on our problems reactively when I become depressed by them, never proactively.I keep giving up things I enjoy to spend more time working on projects around the house that are important to her. We're not married because we both come from broken homes and have never talked about it.now I'm just rambling...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Well. it's time to shit or get off the pot.
You and your GF can not move forward if you have to walk on eggshells around each other. So. Sit her down. Ask her what SHE thinks will improve your relationship, and tell her what you feel.
If you want to work it out with your GF, you need to do that WORK, which means if the two of you can't do it by yourself, get some help. Contact a relationship counselor, talk to your priest, pastor, rabbi.. Someone who will be neutral but can give you guidance of where to start and which "tools" to use.
Right now you are just going about business, pretending that you can't see that HUGE elephant you stuck under the rug. ( That would be the REAL reason you started to have an emotional affair and still talk to the woman, in case you didn't know).
Giving up things you like is part of a compromise, but if you are doing it out of guilt or fear of a break up it doesn't really benefit anyone. Besides I think people in relationships NEEDS to have something that is THEIRS, be it a hobby, sport.. whatnot. Yeah it's nice if you can SHARE this, but doing stuff by yourself FOR yourself is well, healthy. As long as the other person doesn't become your third or forth priority.
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (15 July 2010):
 I do feel for you because I can see that the reason you had an emotional affair is because your needs are not being met in your current relationship. I think you need to really carefully analyse why you are staying in your relationship. Are you just with her because it's scary to leave or because you truly love her and want to be with her? The fact that she brushes off your concerns about your relationship is troubling because it shows her to be a bit selfish.
Good luck my friend you are gonna be ok think really hard about this relationship give it time it'll work out the way it's supposed to.
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