A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have woken up feeling awful. I just need to vent. 3 months ago I was a normal , happy girl , engaged to my lovely partner, we had our problems but doesn't everyone. A classy, professional , quiet girl, but always laughed and smiled.We had a huge fall out one night. He told me "I don't love you anymore, when I look a you I feel nothing" which offended me a lot and hurt me.So what do I do. I ended up going out the next night with a bunch of work colleagues and got upset and ended up sleeping with one of them. Not even thinking about protection or what I would feel the next day. I'd never been with anyone apart from my partner, so I didn't know what to expect. Ii thought I had self control but clearly I don't . I was very drunk And I can't even remember the details of it.Anyway so I decided never to bring the subject up and try my best to forget it ever happened. Then I ended up getting chatty to a colleague, ended up developing a friendship, some way to chat when we both felt upset, went out together , had a laugh together and shared stories. I found myself falling for this man and latching onto him but he wasn't interested in that, just sex. I then had another night out, and ended up being taken advantage of when in another very upset state. He got me drunk and basically had sex with me while I was unaware of what was going on. Everything was blurry and I can't quite remember a lot . I feel beyond awful. I am ready to quit my job. Before all this I'd never slept with anyone but my partner. I'd always been faithful, always known right from wrong, but ever since that night, of our argument. I've lost it. I'm not the nice person I used to be. Feel like the worst person on earth right now. The one guy I developed a friendship with is over. the first guy left the company and the one who took advantage still works there . Even if I quit my job I'd still have these awful thoughts.I feel disgusting. Dirty. I'm booking all sorts of tests today so I know I'm not infected with anything. Worse thing is everyone thinks I'm some sweet young girl, kind , thoughtful, selfless. What I've done is selfish and beyond disgusting . I'm not going to make excuses it was just purely wrong. I had sex with these men hoping that maybe somewhere someone would "love" me but clearly I'm delusional and silly and if anyone knew the truth about me no one would love me again. How on earth do I get over this and move on? ? Just call it quits and end my life? Quit my job? Drown my sorrows? Tell my partner everything? It's eating me up inside , I'm really sick with worry and stress. I can't remember the last time I truly smiled and meant it.I've always had a tricky life, bullied a lot, hurt a lot, I was assaulted and hurt as a teen. I know it isn't an excuse but maybe I bring this on myself? I always try to be polite and helpful to everyone never stay trouble and never break the law. Thank you for reading. Please don't call me insulting words. I know it's all f*cked up, but I've called myself every insulting name under the sun now.
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female
reader, april.garcia41 +, writes (10 December 2013):
well... at least you didn't cheat on him. you're human, you lost it and it happens. i bet you feel super uncomfortable in your work place so please quit that job because it sounds like the men there are taking advantage of you at this vulnerable moment in your life. You try to get close to them because you want closure and you have drinks with them hoping to loosen up so they will like you. trust me, alcohol is not your friend and if these men are good people they will like you for who you are and respect you for whatever type of relationship you want to develop with them. get close to a girl, a sister, or a cousin. i think you were probably not happy with your fiance either. don't be scared to be alone because it's better than suffering with someone who doesn't value you for who you are. it's hard being alone, mainly when you feel vulnerable because i know you probably need someone right now. these experiences will only make you stronger if you learn from them. forget your past and forget about the fiance and the job. get a diff job and if you can afford a psychologist (female) preferably get one. some are good, some are not so feel free to switch around until you find the right one. and No i'm not offending you by saying this, but you need someone to talk about how you feel because it's not good to hold all those negative emotions inside. sorry if i wrote so much, but honestly your post reminded me of myself a looong while back. i hope things get better for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): I am surprised nobody touched on this but that second sexual encounter was RAPE. If you were unaware of what was happening - you cannot consent to sex. I recommend seeking a counsellor and think about pressing charges. Do not let anyone blame you and do not feel bad about it - it is not your fault. Nobody asks to get raped no matter how much they drink, or what they wear. Please seek help and look after yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): If you stay with your long term fiancé then he has to know the truth. That does not mean telling him a milder cleaned up version of what happened long after he has already married you. He has to hear everything, and hear it soon.
You can either keep these things secret from him or you can honor & respect him. You cannot do both at once.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): OP quit drinking, clearly one night stands make you feel guilty so don't go there because what you're looking for is love/connection idk but one night stands with drunk guys you pick up at bar is just about sex, quit your job and start afresh. Right now all you can think is that, but in a couple of months, years you'll see that as just one life experience among many.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): I found myself in a similar emotional state earlier this year after a one night stand that I didn't want to happen. I got too drunk on a first date, I did hear from him again but only to say he didnt' want to see me again. I felt awful, dirty, furious with him and disgusted with myself. I felt like a victim, a slut, everything. I talked about it with a close friend who brought me back down to earth. She reminded me that I'm not the first person in the world to have a one night stand. She reminded me that I was responsible for allowing myself to get drunk, allowing him to come back to my flat etc. So I couldn't really stay angry with him, and I decided to stop being disgusted with myself. Luckily we had used protection and I didn't get any disease. Since then, and a few more hiccups but not as bad as what I just shared, I decided to stop dating until I can trust myself more and until I feel more secure in myself so that I don't end up in the arms of a douche/ user again. Being single is just fine for now.So what I am saying is you're not on your own, maybe tell someone who you trust, who can help you see that this is not the end of the world. You are in a tricky place in your life but it will pass.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): First off stay away from alcohol until you have your head sorted, you should have learned by now it only makes things worse. Alcohol is only good for enhancing a good time it will just make bad times worse.
Second of all don't be too hard on yourself. We all make stupid decisions when our heads are that much of a mess. Most of us have had sex with someone we wouldn't normally just to feel to something and then regretted it and we've all done stupid regretful things while drunk.
OP it's normal, it's part of life and a few mistakes doesn't make you a bad person.
Look it's going to hurt for a while OP, a bit longer than you'd like to be honest. You made a pretty big mess of things but beating yourself up about it isn't going to solve it and frankly there's not a whole lot you can do to fix things right now because you're in no state to make key life decisions.
The only way to come back from moments of weakness is to find strength, to be strong and keep life going until your head starts to sort itself out.
If you like your job, it pays well and you'd stay if things weren't so complicated, then stay. Fight for your life back, fight to make it good again and don't run away from your mistakes. Face them head on.
Get your tests to make sure you're clean. Don't have sex with your partner until you're sure, condoms don't protect against everything, even oral sex passes on STI's.
OP don't make any decision on telling your partner until you have fallbacks sorted. If you're living together then you need to know you have somewhere else you can stay before you tell him, you have to be emotionally strong enough to take the fallout which you're not at the moment. Most of all though you need to turn to friends and family and have their support.
OP embarrassment and shame should not be a reason you don't turn to your loved ones for help on this. You can't deal with this on your own, top of your priorities right now is someone you can talk to, get advice from and will be there for you.
OP in time you'll be able to look back on this and shake your head but see it as a drunken mistake. You'll learn that alcohol only makes things worse and sorrows can never be drowned, all alcohol does is flood you with more. You'll learn to deal with times of massive emotional stress by not going wild and doing stupid things but to take a timeout from everything and do something clam and relaxing instead, or best of all turning to friends and venting with them.
Things will get better, but it's time to turn your anger into positive practical things. Use this as motivation to examine where your lifew is and take stock of the things that are happening. Maybe someone who can be as cruel as to hurt you that badly should not be your partner.
Again though, don't make any life decisions right now, take your time, heal, take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well, put your emotions into working out, grab some good books and read more, it's xmas soon, go volunteer at a soup kitchen or the next time you see a homeless person go and buy him a big sandwich and cup of coffee. Once when my life was in shit I invited a homeless person to a restaurant across the road and bought him a meal and we just talked, it felt good and in a bit of a selfish way I could see how bad life could really be and it gave me some perspective.
Do something positive this xmas OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Hi everyone.I am the original poster. So many constructive answers, thank you for all taking the time to read it.I've just got back from being tested, I won't know the results for a few days.I also booked a HIV test just to be on the safe side, who knows their sexual pasts. Thank you for your brilliant advice, thank you for being there for someone who hasn't been able to talk to anyone about this. I will take time to respond to each of you individually once I get onto a computer. I guess I worry too much, I've always tried to respect myself and others, this behaviour is erratic but you are right , alcohol seems to be the culprit. not to blame, but it heightens my erratic behaviour.I definitely need to cut it out. Maybe I wouldn't think about suicide either if I didn't drink . I am still with my fiancé , which I feel absolutely awful about too. He deserves the sun and the moon, and he has a heart of gold, he just has a fiery temper and we have started to clash with each other after 4 years. Only got engaged a few months ago. I have completely taken him for granted and he deserves to be happy. I think I need to tell him and let him get on with his life. I doubt he would forgive me , which is totally understandable! Next time, I think I will stay at home and not get drunk! [Mod note: due to the mention of suicide, this question is being closed. The OP is urged to seek professional counseling and to reach out to a suicide prevention agency.]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Can you clarify whether you are still with your fiance or if you broke up or if you were together when these one night stands happened? I gave advice below with the assumption that you'd broken up.If you are still together, then I will change my answer.You do owe it to him to come clean and advise him to get tested too. You owe it to him to give him the choice of either forgiving your cheating or leaving the relationship.For someone to say they don't love you anymore and when they look at you they feel nothing, there has to be something seriously wrong in the relationship.So I get that it was a bad relationship. But cheating is not ok. Bite the bullet and just break off the relationship if you are unhappy. And no, alcohol is not an excuse either. It's not ok for people to get violent when they drink, similarly it is not ok for them to cheat when they drink.I would advise you to drink responsibly or not drink at all if this is what you do when you get drunk.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 I am not going to call you names. You are obviously berating yourself enough without other people making it worse. You know what you've done wrong so I won't repeat it. What I will say is that you should get your drinking in check. And I'd strongly advise leaving your unloving partner - it is not a healthy relationship. Hanging on to someone who doesn't love you is going to grind you down, and is already making you act out of character. And no matter how unloving he is, he doesn't deserve to be cheated on and exposed to STDs (those are my only harsh words, I promise).
Under no circumstances should you "call it quits" - if you feel suicidal then PLEASE call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 1-800-273-8255. Don't try to drown your sorrows - alcohol just makes things worse and makes you do things you regret. As Honeypie suggests, look for a new job but don't quit your current one; being unemployed on top of all this will only makes things worse.
I really think you'd benefit from therapy to help you get through this, and address your issues from childhood and teenage years.
On a practical point, do you know you have to wait a certain time after unprotected sex for diseases to show up? It's a few weeks for most STDs, but 3-6 months for HIV and 3 months for syphilis.
Good luck, OP. You've made mistakes but you're not the worst person in the world. You are not unloveable. Again, I think you need professional help to work this all out. Things can get better.
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (9 December 2013):
Having an argument with a partner, getting drunk and sleeping with a guy isn't unheard of. You were in pain and wanted to get rid of it. You possibly wanted revenge. Let me tell you this, people have done ALOT worse!"He got me drunk and basically had sex with me while I was unaware of what was going on. Everything was blurry and I can't quite remember a lot."Do you remember this guy's name that sounds criminal."I had sex with these men hoping that maybe somewhere someone would "love" me but clearly I'm delusional and silly and if anyone knew the truth about me no one would love me again. "Love and sex are two seperate things.I think you should tell your boyfriend. I wish you luck in your tests.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 Uh, disgusting.. selfish... what big words.
You have been just dumb, OP ( said motherly, affectionately and with a smile ). Because " comfort " sex is a dumb idea- as you did not know before, but you know now having tried first hand. If you feel sad, upset, lonely, abandoned... it's not an uninvolved, indifferent stranger's body who's going to fix things and make you feel better, unless right there in the moment... but the morning after, as you have seen, it's all another story.
Mistakes, OP: everybody makes mistakes, the idea is not never making any mistake, it's learning from your mistakes enough to not be bound to repeat them.
It's not clear to me if you were still engaged at the time of yur indiscretions, and / or if you are now, to the same guy.
If you are, I am afraid that you should tell him, - knowing that he may want to break the engagement. Forgiveness is a gift, not a right- if he loves you, maybe he will understand where you were coming from. Or maybe not. But I think that it would be very difficult- impossible ?- to carry on a relationship burdened by the weight of so many secrets. It is already eating at you now, - how much more you could handle it ?
Then again, what makes me concermed is precisely IF the engagement is still on ( which I am not clear about ). It soinds to me as this too could come just from your hunger for acceptance , validation and " love " more than from real feelings and real compatibility. I am sick and tired of hearing " we had our problems but does not everybody " NO; not everybody does, particularly people who are engaged to be married. If they have such problems that lead them to huge falls, to tell each otehr I don't love you anymore, to hurt each other deeply... then hopefully they'll have the common snese to reflect if they really should get married and / or to postpone marriage until they have sorted their issues out.
Anyway, whether you are still single , or engaged, and while you work on your sense of self worth , and you hopefully come to accept yourself and love yourself as you are with or without a man beside you to convince you that you ARE valuable and lovable - which may take time - I have an immediate , simple advice : don't drink. Quit cold turkey, or at least pare your intake down, you have seen that you do not handle drinking well at all, and it does impair greatly your judgement and impulse control- so stop giving yourself alibis for self defeating behaviour. You want to blame it on the alcohol- fine , but then, do not drink to the point when things become blurry. Which, should not be difficult to do, if you don't have an alcohol addiction.
And, please, I would not want to go all preachy, but... cut the drama, don't say even in jest that you want to take your life. For a sexual mistake ? For a troubled engagement ?... OP, please, this is like the worst blasphemy ever. You've got so many things to be grateful for to the universe , even with a messy love life . Now I AM going all preachy, but a friend of mine is fighting cancer at age 47 ... and beside that it's not that she had or has a great life, ... bad divorce, money is tight, lousy job, problem child... if one wants to be cynical one could say that even if she kicks the bucket she would not be missing much anyway ... yet she is a constance source of admiration and inspiration for all her friends for the way she enjoys and appreciates life and fights for it , even the smallest , most mundane , normal things. A nice cup of coffe, a bunch of roses, a hug from a friend, a lovely music... And you want to end your life because you slept with the wromg guys a couple of times ?! Op, you are human, human make dumb stuff at times, that's all. Became a grateful, thankful human, proud of your accomplishments and of the gifts that have been bestowed upon you ( young, sweet, attractive, classy, professional.... who knows how many things more, too ) and you'll see that what casual sex partners, or even steady partners, think about you is at the end of the day, so very unimportant...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Woooahh slow down there and take a deep breadth.
Stop beating yourself up so much.
You have not hurt/harmed anyone with your actions as you were single and they were single too. That's the first thing.
Secondly,you are hurting and feeling rejected and lonely and looking for someone to make you feel loved again. It's not an excuse, it's just true. It's not awful to want to be loved. It's human.
So to address your guilt and self loathing. Is sleeping with multiple men you are not in a relationship with an inherently bad thing?
NO! It's not.
I personally do not think it is immoral or unholy or unpure or not nice or whatever other words come to mind. You are still the same person you were three months ago. You are suffering and reached out to the closest people around you.
Was this wise?
NO! It was not wise to sleep with people when you were emotionally vulnerable and when you were drunk. You exposed yourself to infections / pregnancy and emotional pain.
So you made bad decisions. Wow, how awful of you right? NO! Let he who has not made bad decisions cast the first stone. Not even the people you admire the most are perfect. They too have made poor choices at one point or another - not necessarily sexual ones but that's irrelevant. The point is, we have all of us made bad decisions.
You've already started fixing this situation by getting tests done etc. That's your physical health that's been addressed.
Emotionally, I would advise you to do several things to heal
1) Stop referring to you ex fiance as your partner. He is your EX. It's important that you make this distinction in your head and try to see him as such. When you see him as an ex, you will realise that you don't owe him an explanation of your life after you two broke up.For now, I would advise cutting all communication with him until you have no feelings for him anymore. He does not need to know about the one night stands and you don't owe it to him to tell him anything.
2) Get over the idea that sleeping with people is in itself bad. It's not. It's like a smile. It's no one's business who you exchange a smile with except if it harms them. In this case, sleeping with people was bad for you because you are emotionally vulnerable and you were drunk. So regret the bad decision, but don't feel guilty.
3) Keep your friends close. Ask for all the help and company you need to heal.
4) Work on your self-esteem. You have a lot going for you and you just need to realise that.
Good luck.
I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2013):
 I think the first thing you need to consider is to NOT drink when you are down. Because clearly you drank more then a couple both times you needed up having sex with someone you knew didn't mean anything to you.
Should you quit your job? No, you might want to look for a new job but don't quit this one til you have a new one. And also, learn from this. 1. don't sleep with co-workers. 2. Don't get drunk when you are really down. 3. meaningless sex doesn't fix a broken heart or a relationship problem.
I do think you put yourself in a position you shouldn't have. Like being drink and going home with a guy who wasn't your fiance. And then the second time you got so drunk you were bare conscious? Doesn't it mean it's ALL your fault? No, guy number 1 was looking for sex and you were looking to feel "loved" so that episode, while is wasn't a good choice you made it wasn't anyone's fault. Guy #2 I think he CLEARLY took advantage of you.
So what did you learn? That you are not perfect, that you make mistakes too. You are only 22-25, and you are BOUND to make some mistakes. What choices do you have now? LEARN from these mistakes, how they made you feel, and then DO NOT repeat them.
And the drinking, you got to stop. Because when you DO drink you let caution, safety and conscience by the way side.
Do you tell your partner? I think you have to and then you also have to accept whatever action he chooses. If he stays and work on it with you or if he wants to end things.
Are you ready the face the music?
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