A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It is very important that I remain anonymous for this question.I had a bad experience with a sex-worker once (some might say I got what I deserved) and I doubt that I want to have sex ever again because of this. I was feeling vulnerable and I'd had too much to drink, and I asked her to put her finger inside my anus. She did. And I regretted it not long after. My question is...If there is a risk of going through a degrading sexual experience, what's the point of ever having sex with anyone?I felt like my masculinity had been taken from me (I know it was my own fault because I asked for the service). She used a condom while she did it.I don't want to have sex with anyone again because I don't want to jeopardise my mental health. And degrading sexual experiences do affect one's mental health.What should I do???I do not believe I am gay nor bi, but I need to know if this is abnormal behaviour for a male (asking for postilingus).Should I ever be in a realtionship again, or should I avoid women because there is a chance I could put myself through this again (if I'm drunk)?What should I do? Can someone explain the difference between making love, and degrading sex?Also, what do women consider to be degrading sex? What makes them feel uncomfortable?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): This is quite a complex situation, as you are obviously very traumatised, but my guess is this was a ' FIRST ' experience for you, or that you had NOT dated anyone for a long time, or lastly, you were a virgin, not only physically but emotionally.
It is so sad when people use SEX ( mechanical sex , as with a sex worker ) and then attempt to compare it to MAKING LOVE with someone they LOVE. You can't! From my part, ALL sex without love is degrading as it NEVER fulfils what all of us need long-term, that is a connection with someone we have GROWN to KNOW, have shared experiences with, who we CARE about, they care about us, we do things together, we build FOUNDATIONS of a friendship over a long-period of time that eventually produces feelings of LOVE and then we make love, (have sex).
Then, when you MAKE LOVE, it is not only a joining physically but mentally and emotionally, emotional bonding is vital to really FEEL sex is the most wonderful experience ever with another human being, if not, it is a soul-less act, that usually leads us to searching for that ultimate reward, LOVE.
You have to remember a SEX WORKER will NEVER CARE about YOU, they are there just to DELIVER MECHANICAL SEX, you have NO friendship or DEEP affection for these people, NOR THEY YOU, so please don't think all sexual experiences are like the one you have experienced.
I think you need to get to know a female FIRST before entering into a physical relationship, so it's built on something MORE than sex it self. Casual sex is NEVER ultimately satisfying, we all eventually want LOVE with sex, to have trust with someone, to be able to open up and share ourselves with ONE person we are emotionally connected to.
Build friendships, DATE over a period of time, and don't just think of women as a means to sex - think of women as people who can enrich your life with mutually rewarding experiences in all spheres.
Perhaps if you are still suffering from this experience it may be a good idea to seek some counselling as I'm sure it would help you through, and help you to discover this is just a ONE-OFF bad experience for you.
I really wish you well for the future.
Jilly
A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 If you were drunk then you were not thinking strait. Its no big deal having a finger up your arse it doesnt make you any less of a man.
You know your own sexuality it doesnt make you gay or bi.
I would define degrading sex is something your forced into against your own will. Making love is something you both mutually want to do. In a loving relationship, making love can increase the bond between a man and woman.
Dont let this one incident ruin your life it doesnt have to. Put it behind you and move on. Look for a girlfriend rather than using prostitutes and get yourself tested for STDs and HIV.
A relationship with someone you love very much is one of the best things in this world.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Just go at your own pace. It is hard, but you get over it.
I am a female but I went through something VERY similar. I have a pretty strong pride code- I'm very openminded but the things I don't want I DON'T WANT. I let myself be talked into trying anal. It haunted me for months afterwards.
We didn't even really get to try it. I was crying before he even did it, all through him going inside, and finally I made him stop and cried afterwards while I comforted me and promised we never had to do it again and that he had just wanted to see if I liked it.
I felt used and disgusting.. Thinking about it or sex made me sick.. Even though the guy who I did it with is now my fiance and I know he honestly loves and cares about me and only wanted to please me... But it broke me mentally.l
It took me months but now I'm fine.. It's just something you need to face when it comes up until it finally stops- nothing you can really do about it.. But I promise, it will pass.
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