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female
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anonymous
writes: After having read loads of advice on lots of different subject on this page I am still in the same space I was 5 yrs ago. I was with partner 18 yrs, found out he was cheating. He had drink problem. It killed me watching him. He wanted to drink his life away. Anyway we couldn't live together, sold the house. We still saw each other, slept together. I couldn't get over the cheating. Then I discovered he's back, seeing the one he cheated with. After a lot of talking, he told her to stay away. By this time he had lost his job through drink and was selling his house. No option. He then moved to England away from me and his daughter. That didn't last long either. Came back, met up with some woman he used to work with. He was looking for somewhaere to stay and she said he could stay with her. Apparently she drinks as well. Well it killed me. I thought he needed me and cared for our daughter. He came back quite a few times, stayed with us, always drunk in need of help. We always slept together, then he stated that I had to move on. Since last June had no contact with him. He didn't give daugher anything for her b/day last May or Xmas this year. She saw him once when she was on her own, as he works were we live and just ingnored him, although she wondered if she would get something for Xmas this year. Nothing. Anyway I still can't move on, can't trust anyone, still hope he will come back, as my life is so empty without him. Guess I need the dramas. The porn prob, well that made me feel like a hooker as I tried to please him. We had been together so long and the sex was always good. I just want him back. Any advice or should I just give up? The gf knows he has been here and what he's done. She took him back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2006): is all the answrs from females would like a males piont of view as i didn't think a guy could act this way with some1 he's know for 22 yrs also acting like this to his daughter why she's not done anything to him & if he can hold down a job he must be sober some of the time
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2006): no he is none of the things you asked lol he can be nice wonder if it's just with me he acts like this
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A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (1 March 2006):
 Dear me this man is a user, he is an alcoholic who has women falling over themselves to please him, look after him and have sex with him, is he some kind of greek god ?
Wake up to him and pass this on to current girlfriend, you are wasting your time, if you feel the urge to mother someone then get a pet, what ever but move on from him.
Where is your pride, he is just a real user in every sense of the way, is he loaded is that the attraction because there must be one, he seems to have you and this woman just dangling around to solve his next life crisis.
Join a charity and put your time and caring, compassionate nature in to something that is worthwhile because he certainly isnt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2006): guess my real problem is i think it,s ME he use to imply that it was because he was with me he drank but that was a lie as he drank more when he was on his own he says it my fault daughter hates him and won't tlk to him but i tryed to her in his life cause i felt sorry for him he now has a job again but still gives her no money why when i have put up with everything that he's done would he want to live with someone else and her 2 kids it's like we are not good enough we mean nothing to him after all these yrs his daughter is now nearly 16 for the past 5 yrs it's like he don't care for her either and thats hard to take i used to blame it all on the drink but now am not so sure
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2006): he is still with g/f he now has a job he sold his car last yr promised our daughter money then let her down again it must be ME why do I want him back after all of this he says he no good for me and daughter so why can he do all the right things for g/f and her 2 kids
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (28 February 2006):
 The drink is the first love in his life. You do need to move on. You are never going to *cure* him and you cannot take responsibility for his behaviour. He is commiting suicide slowly thru alcohol and you cannot change that until he wants to do this himself.
He has indicated HE WILL NOT COMMIT TO YOU, BUT THIS IS HARDLY SURPRISING IF HIS FIRST LOVE IS DRINK.
Move on and make you own life.
Get in touch with al-anon, they are great for helping people come to terms with the behaviour of the drinkers in their lives.
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A
female
reader, Miss life fixer +, writes (28 February 2006):
i know that it's hard to give up something you love but you have to think what will be best for you and your daughter. why would you want someone who drinks way too much, ignores his own daughter and is that drunk he looses his job and home because he cant pay to live there any more. why would you want someone who by the sounds of it cant provide for you or your child. i dont mean to sound harsh but you cant honestly think that this man loves you if he sleeps with other women. he is using you, when he has no woman to shag or drink to drink he comes running back to you and its unacceptable a woman need to keep her dignity and self controll. You can do much better than him and there are lots of blokes out there willing to work hard and find a woman and settle down and you CAN find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and not just sue you as a sex machinene if you let him back in your life that just means that you have no dignity and you are just causing this pain yourself and i dont have any simpathy for you if you take im back. my last words are to be strong and you know your better than him so show him that you dont need him anymore and that your batter off without him.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (28 February 2006):
 The reason that you're "in the same space" as you have been, hon, is that you indeed "need the dramas" in your life. Something about being ignored, cheated on and taken for granted as a sexual servant seems to speak to you, and give your life meaning.
Otherwise, you would have recognised that your relationship with this guy is a train wreck, and that he's a terrible partner and father.
Why, why, why do you want him back? So he can ignore your daughter again? So he can spend his life and health getting drunk? So you can share his financial difficulties? So you can feel like a whore, trying to live up to his pornographic fantasies?
The guy is, to be blunt, a bastard. Your life --and importantly, your daughter's life -- is so much better without this terrible influence in your life. Remember that you don't need him, and when he's around you, he makes you miserable. Why do you want that back?
You need to do some introspection and figure out why you keep sleeping with, and desiring, and taking back from his other girlfriend, a man who OBVIOUSLY doesn't care about you, or about the child he brought into the world.
I can't urge you strongly enough to find someone to talk to about this, to help clarify your own feelings. If you're religious, perhaps you could talk to a church leader. If not, please look into personal counselling (which can be free or low-cost through local government).
Even though you can make sensible choices in your life, you're choosing not to by wishing you could be back with someone who keeps hurting you. Curiously, your young daughter is making more sensible choices about her life than you are, by simply ignoring him when she sees him!
Whatever you do, DON'T take him back. He's ruining his life, and yours. And your child's.
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