A
male
age
36-40,
*roken ring
writes:I've been in this relationship for 7 years, we've been living together for the past 4 years, and we just got married this past july.That said, I'm pretty sure I should have never accepted the marriage proposal in the first place. In fact, I didn't even really want to date her, mostly i'm just a really passive person who goes with the flow until something really stands out as a pro or con and then i usually do what it is i feel is best.... I hate that I'm even thinking this, but at the same time I hate myself even more for starting this relationship.I've been trying to decide if it's time to end it now, or if i should try to work things out. I guess to help you help me i should say that:i don't feel lovedi don't feel love for heri hate the majority of the time we spend togetheri dread her coming home at night i loved it when she worked night shifti hate kissing her - it makes me sorta nauseasi hate hugging/snuggling/touching it makes me feel smotheredshe's too controlling, too possessive, too high maintenance, and seems to lack the ability to pay attention to me unless it directly effects her or she feels like my amusing/loving/supporting/helping her.at the same time, we've been together so long it just seems like such a waste the throw in the towel now. ... and i'm sure there must be something worth saving ...really though ... i guess the biggest reason i'm hesitating is because i don't want to hurt her, and i'm afraid of what she'll turn into (hating me, hating herself, being my worst nightmare, going suicidal, etc.) if i go through with it. ... i guess that being the case i really should end it.there are some signs of emotional abuse, and i know i'm waaaaaaaaaaay to mean and disrespectful towards her these days. i guess i'm really talking myself into it here, because all my pro con lists come out looking about like this one. maybe i just need to hear it from someone else. and i can't ask my family because they'll say "i told you so" and give me biased reasons to leave. and i don't want to tell my friends because ... well quite frankly i'm ashamed. and i prefer to pretend like everything is wonderful.so give me your take on this. tell me to suck it up and stop wasting time, whatever you think most appropriate. personal stories or lessons learned would be helpful too.
View related questions:
emotionally abusive, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, broken ring +, writes (30 September 2008):
broken ring is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's true there are no kids. We do have a pair of dogs that I'll be rather sad to split up, but other then that.
No, we just went the legal route, so no priest or church just a form present.
I guess it's partially to blame that I was only 15 when we started dating and didn't really have any experience with dating. I didn't really know what love was and I'm so extroverted I pick up on other peoples emotions faster then I do my own. After that the whole thing was rather like a runaway train. I never paused to ask myself if it's really what I wanted, we just kept taking the next step and then the next after that.
It's true ... I can't really see myself wanting to be with her for the rest of my life. Maybe as a friend or even some strange version of extended family sure, but not as a lover. Sometimes I think this is just a stage I'm going through, but ... the more I reflect the more I think I just never stopped to think about what i want/wanted until now.
It's just so sad to think of leaving ... but I suppose it can only really get worse from here.
We were friends before, and I'd like to remain friends, but I'm not sure if she'll be up for that or not. In high school there was no way. We did break up once for a very short period of time (I initiated, but I also initiated the getting back together) and by then she was able to remain my friend. She said latter though that she did so with the hope that I would come back around. ... Not sure if that's as good a sign as it could have been.
You're right, I've been thinking she's coedependent as well. She used to be a lot worse, and still goes through episodes, but ... ultimately I don't know that my staying is particularly helpful to that. I'd hoped it would give her a sense of stability, loveability, and security, but I'm coming to see now that there's no way I can give her any of those things. I guess it's one of those things you have to go out and find for yourself. ... god i feel so stupid for staying this long, but at the same time I feel cruel ending it. and it's scary. and i guess i should really stop making excuses and over analyzing, huh?
... i guess i'll do it ... i guess it's past due ... so i just need to build up some courage and get it over with.
A
male
reader, brickout +, writes (29 September 2008):
it sounds like she is a codependent and your relationship is enabling her codependency. check out the book codependent no more at your local library and see if it applies to you. for a summary check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependence
even though it takes a step of courage to step out of something familiar, i'd encourage you to make plans to leave the relationship. it sounds like it's not very healthy at all, and this girl needs to work through some personal issues that have nothing to do with you before she's ready for a relationship let alone marriage.
...............................
|
