A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've made a big mistake getting back with my ex! We split up at the start of the yr over his bad attitude and his abusive behaviour. He moved out at got his own place, he had been in his place about 6 mths when he started to pursue a relationship with me again, he bought me gifts was loving caring all the things he knew I'd like. He said he had missed being a family with me and our 2 kids and was lonely. I felt sorry for him as I knew he had no one but us and gradually let him back into my life. He has now rented out his flat and come back however recently in a conversation he mentioned living together for convenience when I questioned him later about what he meant he said he never meant us and was just teasing. I feel hurt as I do feel that is the very case he wanted to come back. I feel line a total idiot for bring sucked in and regret him, we don't have a close relationship or a sex life. Do I just ignore what he said and carry on or do I ask him to leave knowing full well his just rented out his flat.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 November 2012):
 Hmm...not so fast, though I totally get AuntyBimBim's advice, and in the end, you most likely will need to go with it.
However, before you do, I saw something huge in what you wrote that actually exposes a grave weakness in your boyfriend, one that he must be held accountable for.
It's interesting what he said (convenience) and your reaction to it (a lot of pain). This guy is very insecure, I mean *really* insecure. He's manipulating you by trying to keep you emotionally off-balance. It's pretty obvious that he did before, and now that he's comfortably back inside the fold, he's doing it again with the offhand cutting remarks and the withholding affection from you. He does this to keep an upper hand and to maintain power in the relationship.
Ahhh, but this time, you know what you didn't before! This time, you saw him come groveling to you about how lonely he was. You saw him desperately trying to win you back. You know that he has no one left to turn to. YOU have the upper hand here. YOU hold the cards, and all he has is his attempts to cut you down to keep you under his thumb like he did last time. The thing is, he's lying about the whole convenience thing. He wouldn't have tried so desperately to get you back! His ego is going crazy knowing that he needs you as much as he actually does. I'm not kidding! It was this way before, and now he's trying to equalize and regain power in the relationship by putting you down.
Don't let him get away with it, and I'm not talking about leaving him yet. You're going to look him dead in the eyes and tell him that you're not going back to the way things were now or ever. Tell him that if he wants to be with you, he's going to have to be affectionate, loving, and that he can shove his comments where the sun doesn't shine. If he's serious about keeping you in his life, he needs to stop making those lame comments, because they don't work on you anymore.
Then tell him that if he doesn't change and make a real effort to redefine how you two communicate with each other, then not only will you drop him for good, but he'll destroy every relationship he'll ever have for the rest of his life. In short, and please forgive my language, but now's not the time to get all dewey-eyed, teary, feeling like an idiot, and hurt.
Now's the time to laugh and show him that you aren't going to take his pathetic attempts at defending his own insecurity anymore, that they don't work. Do you have any idea of the change that goes through an insecure guy like yours when they realize they're with a quality woman who doesn't take any shit from him anymore? (pardon my language)
Not only that, but seriously, you tell him calmly and evenly, looking him dead in the eyes, that not only is he going to cut the lame, stale crap, but you won't stop until you get the full package from him, meaning if he thinks he's going to sit back and expect you to take his relationship laziness this time, he might as well pack up now. Otherwise, you expect him to take you out on dates, spend time with you, and rebuild a new relationship with as much loving kindness as it took for him to put his smelly little foot back on your doorstep. He might just have to pick his jaw off of the ground at the new person you've seemingly become.
If he still doesn't change, then give him his walking papers. You might have to do that anyways, but doing it this way will give you the serious thrill of not only self-respect, but HIS respect as well. You're the mother of his children and the best thing that's ever happened to him, so go out there and TAKE BACK your spot in the driver's seat.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): "We split up at the start of the yr over his bad attitude and his abusive behaviour. . . 6 mths [later] he started to pursue a relationship with me again, he bought me gifts was loving caring all the things he knew I'd like."
He overrode your brains and backbone by appealing to your ego and vanity.
"He said he had missed being a family with me and our 2 kids and was lonely. I felt sorry for him as I knew he had no one but us and gradually let him back into my life."
He overrode your brains and backbone by shamelessly using your children as pawns to appeal to your emotions.
"I feel line a total idiot for bring sucked in and regret him"
Just like you felt like a total idiot the previous time(s) that he sucked you in and you regretted it.
"Do I just ignore what he said and carry on or do I ask him to leave knowing full well his just rented out his flat."
As Aunty BimBim advised, you SHOULD throw him out on his ear. Unfortunately, I suspect you WILL let him suck you back in by appealing to your ego, vanity and desperate need to have a "family" presumably like the one you always wanted but never had as a child or adult.
I suspect you may have heard this advice before (and chose to ignore it), but please consider counselling. This lying cheating boyfriend and absentee deadbeat sperm depositor has a hold over you that you are simply incapable of overcoming and breaking on your own (sorry to be so seemingly harsh, but I can reach no other reasonable conclusion).
You need help, support, information, education and knowledge to understand why this scumbag keeps drawing you back in so you can get him out of your life for good. Otherwise, you are dooming your children to silently endure a hellish childhood. Please seek professional assistance for their sakes, if not yours.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 November 2012):
 Don't ask him to leave, tell him to leave. He is just using you as a convenience. A pox on that and a pox on ex husbands/boyfriends who convince us to do that which we know we shouldn't!
Good luck!
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