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male
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*ames_ellison
writes: In january last year i went to south america to travel and do charity work with a group of 15 other people i had never met before. I immediately fancied a girl on the trip called Rachel and she showed that she liked me. We hung out alot and I had been working my way up to kiss her over the fist two months of knowing her. I was still a virgin and very sensitive about physical contact. After two months i took her out and felt comfortable enough to kiss her but she started backing down and the next night she started kissing another guy she had only met that night. She wanted me to see it and I was heartbroken. I decided I could never go out with someone like that and she had thought it was cool to give off the impression she was promiscuous to other people beforehand, so over night my thoughts for her had changed completely and i assumed the worst in her.The next day she could see i was sad and i ignored her and kept myself to myself. She wanted to talk to me and work it out. I said i liked her and felt betrayed and later that night she kissed me. I went along with it but after a while when I felt I was putting in more effort I thought this was a game to her. She made me feel bad on purpose and I often was moody to her becasue of it. At times I felt I should end it but I always felt she was the one with the power to end it because this relationship was more special to me because i was a virgin. so I started to question what i wanted to get out this relationship and i felt bad because i was staying with her, despite her abuse, so i thought i was abusing her back by wanting to have sex with her and not a real relationship. I felt like she was enjoying having that "advantage" of not being a virgin. I asked her "have you ever been in an abusive relationship before" searching for why she wanted to hurt me all the time and partly because i wanted to hurt her. she told me that that question did hurt her some months later.So after splitting up for a couple of days after an argument i didnt even look back, I felt sorta free. but she came to me and tried fixing things again. this made me see her in a new light and we had great sex for the first time and it was lovely :) at the end of the trip she went back to america and i went back to england but just before we left she gave me a diary full of photos and notes and my heart melted and i told her i loved her and didnt feel like i had to be defensive any more. And ever since then we have both visited each other in our native towns and are looking to the future.however, i still get upset about her kissing the other guy even though it was over 6 months ago. there were so many problems we had in south america but the only one which hurts was the first blow of her kissing that guy and wanting me to see it because its the root of this certain distrust i have for her. My question is; how do i make it go away because it still hurts? I love her but i get confused about who she is and sometimes it makes me feel so lonely to know she wanted to hurt me. I occasionally feel sad when she mentions something and it triggers off this sad feeling and it puts a distance between us. I sometimes ask her about it but what she says doesnt make sense, in fact now she just says dont worry about it becasue its not important. also, she had had sex with other people so it's not as though she was just trying to prove herself that she can be attractive... I know this issue shows i lack a fundamental respect for her and i feel like im abusive when i feel the need to talk about it with her because i know it must make her feel bad. can someone please make things clear for me because i get torn up by it.
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (22 September 2006):
 You had some problem when you both started out but now things sound like they are working out and she is showing you the real side to her not the side she wants everyone to see.
I would let go of the past and move on you are with the person you love and the games seemed to have stopped so dwelling on the past can only really upset you both and interfer in what you have got now.
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