A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend, who is 21 and without any previous sexual experiences, and I (20 and having already had one sexual partner) have started becoming sexually active just within the past few weeks. I just started giving him blow jobs within the last week. I've given him two and he has seemingly really liked them. He even thanked me, which I thought was cute and I had never had that happen before. I know he appreciates whatever I do and I have no problem giving him them. I really like it. Last night he fingered me for the first time and he was pretty eager to do it at first. It was the first time I let him under my panties. First he was rubbing my clit and asking where to go and what to do. Then I told him to move down and enter me. He seemed a little confused. So I guided his hand and then he started fingering me. It felt really good, but he just didn't seem into it once he got started. Like ten or fifteen minutes went by and he said his hand was hurting, lol. He immediately asked for a tissue to wipe his hand off, which I guess sort of offended me. I suck him off and swallow his cum, but he is grossed out by having a little wetness on his hand. I said something to the effect of, "Oh, so I'm gross?" and he said that he just had never done that before and didn't know what to expect. He asked if I was satisfied with what he did and I told him that it felt really good, but I didn't orgasm. He didn't really say much and didn't make an effort to finish me. Later that night, after I gave him head, I hinted at him going down on me. He sort of chuckled and said, "Oh, I don't know." I asked if he was grossed out by that and he said he just didn't know because he has never done that before. I can't tell if he is just nervous about having sex and doesn't know what to do or how to act, or if he is one of those guys who doesn't feel it is necessary to reciprocate. I am the kind of person that feels your partner should reciprocate or at least be willing to. If you expect your partner to do certain things to you, then you should be willing to do equal activities to them. That's fair, right? Though I enjoy blowing him, I won't after so many times of not getting off in return. I give him credit for trying on me. Don't get me wrong, but he didn't seem too enthusiastic to finish me. However, I wonder if I am misreading lack of entthusiasm when it is truly nerves or confusion.So, is he just nervous because I'm his first everything? Should I talk to him or just ask him to service me a little more? Does he just need time to become more comfortable? Should I slow things down? Or is he being a bit of a butthole? How do I approach solving this problem?
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (27 July 2011):
I can really relate to your boyfriend, as I lost my virginity at 21 to a girl that was more experienced. RedAthena makes an excellent point - up until he met you, everything your boyfriend learned about sex likely came from pornos and what his guy friends have said... and pornos can accurately be described as movies based on guy talk. So right now he's got no concept of sexual reciprocation. He probably equates sex being finished to him having an orgasm, as that is his present concept of "the point" of sex.My advice is to keep it positive and reinforce him when he's doing something you like, and patiently bring him up to speed. I'm sure he's nervous, he doesn't know what to do to please you so he's unsure of himself, and it will take a few times for him to get used to your feminine parts before he's comfortable and confident. To him, the idea of going down on you is intimidating. He doesn't know what to expect, or how to stimulate you. If you reassure him that all you want is for him to try, and you guide him as he learns then he'll come around.Also, I would have him attempt going down on you before you give him another bj. The bj is the reward, the carrot dangling there for him if he is a good boy and at least makes a genuine effort to satisfy you first. That way you can ease him into the idea that sex is a tradeoff, not a one way street. He now knows the pleasure a bj can bring, so he's got plenty of incentive! That should help break through his nervousness. Don't explicitly cut him off or give an ultimatum, but rather playfully suggest that if he goes down on you you'd be happy to go down on him in return.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 He's nervous. Give him time, but encourage him, and show him what to do. If it makes you feel uncomfortable that things are going more one way than both ways, cut down on blowjobs and whatever you do to get him off. This isn't to tease him or "punish" him in any way, but it makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure when you give and give and get little in return. So I suggest that until he's capable and confident enough to give to you in return, hold back on giving him so much. Don't drain yourself, and don't make yourself feel like you are being used. Just hold back for as long as he holds back, and return the favour when he starts to feel comfortable going down on you or fingering you. He wont feel more comfortable if you keep giving blowjobs or handjobs, to a guy they are separate things, he doesn't think "she went down on me, so I need to go down on her", whereas that is what YOU are thinking: "why isn't he going down on me when I go down on him". Instead a guy is thinking "wow, she's going down on me, this feels great, woot!" and then doesn't think about much else. When you then ask for him to go down on you he'll think "Down on her? But I don't know how, it wont be good, this is new, this is weird, what does she expect from me, what shall I say, what shall I do, oh noes!"
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (27 July 2011):
 You are showing him a whole new world dear. I doubt he is being a butthead, he is probably a bit immature and feels awkward, not realizing that girls in real life are not like the porns.
In porns, the women are all focused on pleasuring a man and just being in a mans presence seems to get them off.
Has your bf EVER brought you to climax? If no, then do not HINT, SHOW HIM. Touch yourself like you want to be touched.
Whisper, without being bossy, about what you want.
It is ok, and even really hot, to tell him "I really want to climax with you".
It is ok to let him know that him wanting to wash his hands after touching you, is hurtful. (The first guy I was with did this to me and it made ME feel like he was saying I was dirty/smelly and I was clean as a whistle!)
I can undestand your dissapointment at his lack of enthusiasm to please you. You need to have a frank discussion with him outside of the bedroom, that for YOU sex is a mutual thing that you take turns with. I would start turning the tables and teach him right from the start..."Ladies First!".
If he still does not show interest in after another week or so..then I would start backing away. That is another harsh lesson in equality, but since he is entering his sexuality, might as well do him a favor and teach it!
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