A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have just learned that my partner of some 3 years has been ringing chat/sex/party lines on a regular continuous basis. We have a good relationship so I thought, four children between us , the house etc., this is our second relationship for both of us. He has been ringing these lines for a year or more and has made some realtime girl friends and has been ringin their numbers (two or more) on a regular basis, same times every day, late at night, early in the morning (when Im downstairs getting children ready for school etc)I confronted him and asked him why I was'nt enough, what was wrong with me that he was seeking out other women etc.,He said he loved me, was deeply ashamed and to give him another chance - which I am doing - but I wish I told him to go because I am plagued by doubt, am constantly wondering who he is talking to and who he is texing. I am 39, great figure, not bad looking - my confidence is at an all time low.. the 4th child is his and he is 2 yrs.. I suspect that is the only reason he is here - help
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): You don't trust him anymore and he has given you a huge, painful reason to distrust him....so I would sit him down and tell him, he has to work hard at "earning back your trust". Don't hand it back over to him..that easily. Because you know that trust is one of the most important ingredients in a good, committed love relationship. When cheating or even the suspicion of cheating rears its ugly head, that trust is violated.
Some guys cheat once and never do again. It's short lived. They get very, very remorseful, guilt ridden and usually get caught easily because the wife knows him inside out and he's giving off glaring clues. Those relationships can probably be saved and rebuilt with honesty and a deep abiding respect for each other..but even that takes long term work, it takes sincere, hard efforts on his part. Your man didn't do this-he kept his lies, his betrayal, his deceit ongoing for 'one year'. So that's a hell of a long time to keep up a the big lie, a long time to live a secret life without you even suspecting anything was going on. In other words, for each day for a year or so he knowingly betrayed you and his family and his conscience didn't kick in once time...you didn't pick upon it. My opinion is the man has a character and fidelity problem. Some men are habitual philanders with no intention of being committed to one woman on a spiritual level. To some men, a relationship is merely a social convenience. I wonder where your man fits in.
You love him, but have you forgiven him? That will be your biggest and most toughest challenge. He has to work hard to prove to you that he's trustworthy individual and he needs to show you. If he wants this relationship to work..he will do it and then some! The truth is-in any relationship when times get tough..life gets strained/boring/mundane..a committed, trusting person does not make the clear cut 'choice" to date another-just to feel wanted and desired. That is an extremely egotistical, selfish thing to do and is highly disrespectful to his commitment and love relationship with you. There is a good chance he learned his lesson, that he may sincerely appreciate you and will never do this boneheaded thing again. But you don't know that. But time will tell..give it time because you will wonder about him for some time to come. If you can't live like this- I certainly wouldn't blame you one bit for telling him to 'hit the road'. The ball is in your court. I think he needs to know, how much this hurt you and how much you are trying to trust. Let's hope for the sake of your family, he'll come through and work with you to make this marriage work. I am sorry you have to live this way. No woman deserves what happened to you. I wish you strength and personal courage. Good luck, dear and take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (7 February 2007):
 If he wants another chance then there must be rules! Rule number 1 - he takes all the phone numbers of other women off his phone (you be there when he does it, then check it afterwards). If he really loves you and is genuinely sorry then he'll agree to it without a second thought.
Make time for one another, I know this will be hard having 4 kids but it's not impossible. When the kids go to bed sit together and talk, watch a movie, buy a take a way, but spend quality time together. Go out as a family TOGETHER and both of you spend some quality time with the kids.
Look good for him when he comes in from work so he thinks wow! Woo him again, slap his butt, kiss him for no reason and tell him how sexy he is. Love him in the bedroom and show him you're sexy, if not sexier than anyone else he'd ever go out with. If he really loves you, he'll wallow in it all!
Eve
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