A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:so i've got a bit an issue when it comes to committment and opening myself up. in fact, a bit is a drastic understatement. i'm really good at having short-term, meaningless strings of relationships. and if i find someone who remotely interests me, i push them away, or i kind of shut down and let them know right off the bat that we can be friends but nothing more. i've done this for years. i've hurt a lot of people along the way unintentionally. it's just an irrational fear of getting rejected. so i never allow anyone to get the chance to know me well enough to hurt me.well i've actually found someone who really got under my skin this time. i don't know what it is about her that's different. i found myself waiting for her calls. my day wasn't complete if i didn't hear from her or talk to her or see her. but true to myself, i let her know right off the bat that i wasn't interested in a relationship, just friends with benefits, etc. well that was about a month ago. we've developed this strange friends with benefits relationship since then. but we talk every day, multiple times a day. in fact, not a day has passed that we haven't spent hours on the phone with each other. she sends me dirty pics every day, and calls me with every problem she has, and we never go to bed without talking to each other first. it's gotten in my head a lot. i've really started to feel for this girl. but i couldn't bring myself to tell her. it was just too hard for me. so i kept it to myself.well today she told me about how one of her friends is setting her up with a guy he knows, and they're gonna go out on a date next week. it completely caught me off guard when it actually really hurt. that's the kind of pain i try so hard to avoid. but it got to me anyway. but i lied and told her i was happy for her, and i hoped it went well. well all day it's been completely dragging me down. to the point where i felt completely miserable. she asked me what was bothering me and i just told her i was having a bad night, and i didn't feel like talking about it. well she called and insisted anyway. i told her i was questioning myself about my lack of being able to commit and open up. that i was in fact lonely and wanted to possibly change. she assured me that maybe that was a great idea and that i'm a good person. that maybe the person i was needing was right in front of my face. well i got off the phone and built up the courage to text her and confess to her that it made me jealous that she was meeting someone else. she immediately called me and basically started ripping me apart. asking me angrily was she the person i wanted to open up to? and that if so, why was my timing so bad? that from the beginning, she would have been open to that idea, but i'd made it so clear for so long that was not on the table for us, that she got used to the idea of never being with me, and got used to the weird friendship we have now. she sounded so angry and frustrated. it really caught me off guard. she actually really hurt me with her response. i told her look, if it isn't mutual, then that's okay. it was my fault for waiting too long to admit that i had real feelings. she just said she had to go and got off the phone.i'm baffled. i'm afraid i ruined our friendship. please, advice of what to do next and what the heck made her respond like that.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (21 April 2012):
 Well, technically, you haven't had a friendship; once you have sex with someone you're not really in the friend zone anymore. I'll tell you what, if the girl were coming on here for advice, we would be telling her that you are playing her, you are jealous of this other guy because you are a user and are just want exclusive sex with her, and that you are being ingenuine. I don't think you should have expected that because you summoned her finally as sufficiently suitable for you that it would work off the bat. She had the right to be taken aback. swallow your pride and don't let yourself be hurt by her own expressions of being hurt by you; likewise, don't push her away because she expresses them, as your statements following your declaration of interest border on that.
I know you've been struggling with this new development in her love life but try to soul search and see if this is a genuine feeling or just possessive. if it is genuine, give her some time, she sounded like she had been contemplating that option for a while but you were an asshole and drove it out of her head, and it's hard if you've been told so many times you're NOT desired as a partner, but an F-buddy so it may take her a little bit to adjust and reconsider you as an option. send her some flowers or put forth a nice gesture showing that you are interested in being the real deal for her, a text and follow up initiated by HER won't cut it.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 April 2012):
 I think the feeling is mutual with her, my guess is she has been trying to be with you since the moment you both agreed to this arrangement. But she probably gave up hope and just accepted that you would never want to be with her in a relationship and now this has just shocked her and she reacted angrily because it is what she wanted for a long time. I think you just need to give her some time, but you where right to be honest with her and please continue to do so. I have a feeling it might actually work out for you and this girl is the one you have been searching for. Yes it is horrible being afraid of being rejected but you only live once so give it a chance. You have lots to gain from it. Just give her some time to think about things and am sure she will contact you.
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A
female
reader, NotAllTheAnswers  +, writes (21 April 2012):
My heart goes out to you, understanding and talking about your feelings is difficult at the best of times, add to that someone you really like and it's a billion times worse.From her reaction, I'd say she liked you and didn't know how you felt. But the things you did implied you weren't interested. I'd also say that part of her telling you about her potential date was a bit of a test - you didn't say then that you were bothered or interested, so she took away that you weren't. THEN you drop the bomb and I get it, she's angry. However, all things considered I'd say you handled it exceptionally well and you did the right things. There's no way to say what will happen in the next week. Really it could go either way. You could approach her again, tell her you meant what you said about liking her - ask her to talk to you. Or you could wait and see if she contacts you.If you get the chance to talk, be honest. It might end up hurting in as much as you could confess your feelings, the way you describe things here is open without being soppy. Honestly, she might reject you but she might not. But nothing will break your heart more than having the chance but *not* telling her the truth and letting her walk away.Good luck :)
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