A
female
age
36-40,
*ailstorm
writes:yesturday afternoon i was looking at pictures on my boyfriends computer of a trip we had just taken. In the folder there was a secret folder that i clicked on and inside i found photos of my boyfriend in a thong and wonmans lingerie aswell asa pictures of 5 sex toys.I didnt know what to think and i called him at work to say we needed to talk when he came home. He came home nd explained that his ex girlfriend had left the sex toys and the lingerie at his house (that we have been living in for a year together). He said one night he got really drunk and took the stuff out tried ion the thong and lingerie top and just took a picture of the sex toys. He was really embarrased and upset. He also told me that he felt discussted so he threw them out the next day. He had said he wanted to throw out the sextoys and the lingerie when i moved in but he was scared the racoons would get into the garbage and someone would find them? Then the next day I felt as though he wasnt telling me something in his story so i looked around the house and i found the sex toys and the lingerie aswell as a cockpump and flavoured condoms and two bras he lied about throwing it out. His ex girlfriend is way to tiny to fit ino the lingerie? I am unsure if he bought all this stuff for himself and is trying to cover it up by saying it is his ex girlfriend. I dont know what to do or think or say to him! Please someone tell me what this is all about or what i should do!!!
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at work, condom, drunk, ex girlfriend, his ex, moved in, sex toy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Hellarouge  +, writes (22 November 2010):
There are are few issues here as I see it:
1. The cross dressing
2. The documenting of his exploits
3. The toys he owns
4. He lied to you
I've met a lot of men in my time who indulge in this kind of behaviour behind closed doors and in their cases, I do not believe that their behaviour is in anyway an indicator of being gay or even unfaithful.
For many men dressing in female lingerie is sexy. It can be for many reasons, but the most common I've heard is the ambiguity it gives the male form, giving masturbatory sessions a sexier edge. Lingerie not only feels good, it looks great. Changing the shape of his body may make it easier for him to get off.
The toys I'd warrant are nothing at all to worry about. He has probably kept them secret because he is embarrassed or feels that you won't understand. The fact is that using sex toys feels great - whether you're a man or a woman. It just so happens that male sex toys and men owning sex toys has a stigma attached, whereas for much of the Western world, the same connotations are not applicable for a woman owning them.
My suggestion is to stop worrying about what the semantics are and talk to him about his sexual pleasure and maybe try playing with his toys with him, you might like them too.
What you're actually dealing with is a man that you love who has found ways of pleasuring himself which clearly works for him, but you're not used to his methods nor do you understand them.
You might like to visit our forums at lovehoney.co.uk - http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/ . You'll find that there are many different types of people enjoying many different types of sexual experiences and they're all very open to talking about them. The common factor is that although the acts are the same, their sexualities and relationships vary wildly. There is no act that makes one person any one thing, so consider this before you judge your partner too harshly as you stand to ruin something that sounds otherwise great for both of you.
A
female
reader, hailstorm +, writes (15 October 2010):
hailstorm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI Spoke to my boyfriend about thisI had said i trust him and I didn't care why he had it, I just wanted to know th truth. I wantd him to know he could trust me, because without my knowing the truth my mindwas running wild with a crazy imagintion of what these things could be for. He broke down said he didnt want to live anymore practically because I had found out his biggest secret that noone had ever known. After he told me all the toys were his and the lingerie and thong was his aswell. He said he has only been doing this for te past three years? He also said he doesnt like to dress up he has only done it few times. I would have never ever ever of thought this of my boyfrind he really isnt anything like this. I had no clue that he would ever be into these things. I asked him if he did this becaucse he liked guys? or if he was going on the internet to show other people? He said he didnt know how to put the pictures on the net, and he was furious that i would even mention hmi being gay. He said to me "I knew once you found out the first thing you would think is that im gay"I want to beleive that he isnt gay.I dont know what to do, and i am so heartbroken to know that he does this kind of thing, and has lied to me this whole time to hide it. I dont know if i could have sex with him again because I could only picture him wearing womans clothingI dont know what to do.I really thought I knew he was the one and that i knew everything about him, but now i dont know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): He sounds really into this, its either a fetish or hes possible gay. This must be hard for you to take but its going to be up to what you can handle, and then again you may find out something you don't want such as the gay factor. It could be best to go sooner than later, cause seems hes not going to quit it if he didn't even really trash it. It would be hard not to question if hes sneaking with guys...and then that puts a damper on your trust levels. I would again say its up to what you want to deal with and what you really believe!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 October 2010):
 Cross dressing is like a repressed desire to escape from being a man all the time. It's not necessarily gay. You see that a lot in Northern California where people celebrate freedom and artistic expression. If you are weirded out by this he needs to make sure you won't find that stuff ever again, or find a girlfriend who's also unconventional. However he should not be treated as if he had a mental illness. For example, you can joke about it like this, "hey is that for me, they are too big!" But not, "we need a talk," which makes it sound like a mama scolding a little boy. Although fetish is not something that would harm a relationship if done in moderation, I think of someone with a fetish as high maintenance because the normal stuff does not turn them on enough. People with a fetish worry about expressing them when they first meet a great potential mate, but they can't hide that forever. It's not very healthy to feel ashamed of who you are. Maybe reading books on this subject can give you insight on the male and female psyche.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Its quite simple.
Either he really did keep it safe, so no one else could find it and it belonged to someone else.
Or he has a fetish.
Basicaly though, what it comes down to, is 1.. do you believe him ... or 2 ... can you live with it ( his fetish )
If you find that it is his fetish, and you can live with it, you guys need to talk about it .. quickly. You need to get across to him that you are OK with it, and that maybe you would be willing to play with him aswell.
Although his fetish ( if it is ) isnt my thing, he isnt hurting anyone, and everyone in the world is a sexual being. To each their own.
It really is if you can live with it or not
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