A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've got a bit of a unique problem I need help with. Its not a relationship problem but its kinda something I feel I can't ask people I'm friends with incase of how they react :( I just need some advice and thoughts.For the last 3 years, I had a very close male friend, who we shall call paul. We were very close, purely as friends tho. He was one of my best mates, always there for me, nothing was ever too much trouble for him, basically an all round top bloke and someone I really trusted. Then about 2 months ago something happened and changed everything. My other friend, sean, who was also very close to paul phoned and said he had some really shocking news. Paul had been arrested for child pornography, 8 counts, all level 2. My world fell apart. I found it so hard to comprehend in my head that this man who isn't that much older than myself could do anything so horrible. Its not the friend I knew. So I phoned him and asked and he said it was all true and that he was sorry, that he had a problem and had handed himself in to the police. I hung up.Since then its been awful. Paul went to prison and is there now. I feel discusted by his actions but at the same time feel as tho my best friend has died. I can no longer think of him that way anymore. To everyone who knew him he was a lovely caring guy who would do anything for anyone and suddenly he's a peadophile. I've struggled to come to terms with this.Lately, maybe because its christmas, and we always used to do our shopping together, I've really missed him. I've thought about him a lot. In spite of everything he's guilty of, I want to know how he is coping in prison. I guess its hard to turn of the feelings of friendship? I don't know what to do. I feel I have a lot to say to him. What he did has ruined so much and so many innocent children. But I also know he was abused himself as a child and I guess part of me just misses my friend. I want to know if our friendship was real because I feel the man I thought I knew like a brother wasn't that person after all.Please help. I'm so confused. I don't even know what prison he's in. How would I find out? Could I send him a letter? I doubt it, but anyone else know about these situations? I am 100% shocked and appauled by his crimes but it doesn't change who he was to me and I feel as though I need closure.Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): my friends bf is a pedofile too. she has sex with him all the time and im like wow. she almost alwayz has the chance to get prego cuz she does it so much without a condom. i would just talk to him about it. i dont think its wrong unless ur really old but idunno.
A
female
reader, caligirl4420  +, writes (22 December 2009):
Yes, a friend is a friend, and although you don't agree with what he has done, he is still the same "Paul." Hopefully he will change for the better. I'm sure there are government websites for your city or division that you can look up his specific charges and which prison he is in. If you are really concerned about him, tell him, and if he has true friends like you willing to accept him past his misdeeds, it will help him to not do it again. Best of luck to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): I think you need to put him in your past now and move on. He did and is something that is very wrong. He was supporting an `industry` that violates and damages innocent children for sexual gratification. You may feel sorry for him but he wasnt feeling sorry for the children in the pictures ect that he enjoyed looking at. Spare a thought for them please and wash your hands of him. He isnt the person you thought he was. You just have to deal with that im afraid.
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female
reader, ??WTF?? +, writes (22 December 2009):
A friend is a friend.
It's as simple as that. If you don't reach out to him, then how could you say that you were ever really HIS friend. The time he needs you the most, you're not there?
I've had friends stab me in the back, but if ever they really need me, if it's within my ability to help, I'm there for them 100%.
People mess up. We all have something in our background we don't always share.
True his is harmful to others, which makes it hard to gauge your feelings. But again, the fact is, despite that factor you have been friends.
The other fact of the matter here too is that you don't even know for certain that he did turn himself in.
You either need to make the effort to find him and be there for him, because trust me, he's going through a lot of stuff right now, OR you need to write him off and drop it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): The above answers are true, he will need a lot of help from family and this is a difficult time for him.But you said that he handed himself to the police, isn't that good? It means he is on the way to recovery, he admitted to himself that he needs help.When you spoke to him and he told it was true, can you imagine how it hurt him to admit that to one of his great friends?It took a lot and I mean a LOT of courage for him to bring himself down like this, expose himself for his crimes and bare it.If what you say it's true, and he really handed himself to the police, then he still deserves to be helped. I understand, it's not easy having it so close to you. It's a very serious crime, and very few people come out of jail unscathed.I'm not asking you to understand him and support him, if you can't you can't. But he is still the same person that you thought of as a brother. Deep inside, he still is.Move on for now, and if you like buy him a present and send it to the prison he's in. I'm sure he will cry a lot just for that. Don't send him a note, after all you're not prepared for that yet, and he might not be also. Just say "Merry Christmas, Paul".If you ever feel you're ready, go visit him and see for yourself. Talk to him and ask him about it. Be open and don't just judge him, because that's not your place. God will be the judge.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): the other aunts have had a lot of really good things to say...the only thing that i see is that he turned himself in. that gives me some hope that there is something good and salvagable in this man. one can always hope. you can find a person who is incarcerated in the US very easily. it is a matter of accessing public records. im not sure about in your country but the other aunt gave you a lead on that. you could find him and correspond thru letters and see if this helps with the feelings that you are struggling with. mal
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (22 December 2009):
It is very hard to cope with feelings like this. You feel betrayed. You feel as though he was pretending when he was with you; as if your whole friendship was a lie. You ask yourself how I can possibly have been fooled by a person this much? Yet at the same time you feel love for the person so you feel conflicted.
In these type of situations my advice is to think with your head and not with your heart. Easier said than done. The reoffender rate for pedophiles is over 80% because it is a compulsive mental illness. Pedophiles are very good at gaining trust; its essential to their acts. Do you want to reach out to him, keep in touch with him and provide him with emotional support then when he gets out he stays with you as his only friend? Around your kids? Its very difficult but just allow yourself to go through this mourning period over time. It will take time. There is nothing he will be able to say to you that will make things better so just let it go as much as you can. Don't get involved with him in case it later impacts your life in some way. You also help him learn that this crime is unacceptable. Many people were also abused and are now defenders of innocent kids, not abusers. He made a choice.
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reader, bitterblue  +, writes (22 December 2009):
 I understand your shock but unfortunately I think many of the 'inmates' come out of jail the same person or worse, having to mix all of the time with other felons, etc. Your friend is an example of the abusee that becomes an abuser, and that is a path that some abused children take, in one way or another, trifling with their lives or others'. Your friend is very ill and you can't really help him, doctors might try; meanwhile I wouldn't want him anywhere near you as you will have a family of your own one day and a child you should protect and care for even when he is not right near you. Thus I wouldn't recommend staying in contact. I hope he has parents that can be interested in him during this time - if they weren't the ones who abused him. You can as well leave it to them to support him, pay him visits, etc. His life will be very complicated from now on during and after the years in jail, he will relapse to his old habits if he doesn't treat himself, that is what happens when an abused child is not helped in time and isn't strong enough; then the abuse can leave marks of all kinds, such as this wretched disorder. You will have to learn to leave that friendship behind and I don't know which is a proper age for children to be instructed in regard to which behaviours are appropriate and which not, but consider teaching yours about this chapter at some point for their safety, all children should be aware of some elementary risks and how to avoid them.Best wishes.
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reader, Not My Name  +, writes (22 December 2009):
 Ditto the first poster - but will add in case you wanna chase him up, ...
I had to locate someone in an unknown prison earlier this year, and found it to be surprisingly easy.
I rang my local police, explained the situation, got a number off them for the Dept of Justice in the state in which the crime was committed, rang them with same speil, gave some identifying info (on the inmate) and voila - they told me whare he was, gave me the prisons phone number and it was easy to follow up from there.
It took me 10-15 minutes from the onset to actually be speaking to someone in the system who had in person contact with the person I was locating. Too easy!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2009):
 You're in a type of mourning, you're grieving. If you do some research on that, you'll find a lot of what you're experiencing is normal. I think you should write the letter to him. Don't send it, keep it for a while and then take it out and reread it, and then edit it.
I think you just need to allow yourself to feel the sorrow for the lost potential of the friendship, for the lost potential of the man, for the loss of what you thought you had. Feeling sad is part of life, I think. Experience it, with a non-judging eye on yourself, let yourself feel. Talk to friends about it, they can help with perspective too, find someone new to shop with and celebrate that.
I hope you find the peace you seem to be seeking. Take care.
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