| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I just checked my husband phone and found out that he went to adult massage before we marry 2 months back. His friend asked him to join last week and he rejected it as he said hes broke now. Yes he is financially unstable now as he loss some from his business.What should i do now? Should i pretend that i dont know for the sake of peace or how can i ask him without he defends and avoids? He often left home for business matter which im not joining him. And i feel insecure and not trust him fully now. What should i do? Is it forgiveable? My friends say that its normal for man to go to adult masaage sometimes???
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 Your husband is a smooth one. By throwing a big , childish, ( and , I have no doubt, STAGED ) tantrum, he deflects the attention from his wrongdoings ( cheating on you ) to yours ( mistrusting him ). Well, why should you not mistrust him ? He cheated on you !! He should be on his knees begging you to forgive him and swearing he will never even think of doing anything similar, insteda that raising his voice, breaking stuff and whining that , oh gosh, now he needs to work and support his family rather than going out to have fun !! You have married, alas, a liar, but even worse, an entitled ,spoiled brat who, when he's caught with his hand in the cookie jar , kicks up a big fuss rather than owning his responsibility and apologizing . And you are enabling him. Why do you find so many excuses for him ? He got a " massage " because he was stressed out ? Well, aren't you ever stressed out in your life ? I bet you are- for instance right now, because this must be a stressful situation for you . And, what do you do to relieve your stress :.. call a male escort, a professional boytoy to relieve your stress with intimate ( and expensive ) caresses ? You don't. Because sex with a prostitute ( call it massage if you wish, it just sounds nicer but does not change the nature of the encounter ) is not the only possible way to relieve stress and most of all it's not an acceptable way for people in a committed relationship.
That would be a marriage deal- breaker for many women. Once that trust is broken it is difficult to rebuild it, and almost impossible with the attitude of your hisband ,who, rather than eating humble pie and show repentance, acts offended and throws his toys out of the pram. And a relationship with no trust is veeeery hard to carry on .
Then again, I ynderstand that, as a fresh bride, you want to give him a second chance - but make sure you won't need to give him a third. Don't walk on eggshells around this issue. Why do you want to "indirectly " imply / suggest that you'd be hurt if he cheated on you ? If he is not an idiot - he knows that ; that's obvious, nobody likes to be cheated on. But knowing it, didn't stop him the first time, did it ?!
At most you can take the bull by the horns and tell him in no uncertain terms that he gets away with this ONCE, just this time- because everybody deserves a second chance. But not a third,- and the moment you catch him again, pouf. you are gone. It's over. No bullshit excuses about friends and stress and gifts.
If I have to be honest , though, I doubt this will make an impression, probably he'll just become better at covering his tracks. Unluckily you married a man-child , who feels that as long as " mommy " does not know, everything is cool, and if she knows... well, isn't he such a good boy who brings her flowers and gifts and costly photoshoots ?...
I regret to say that probably you are helping him to keep this mentality - What the heck does it mean " Well, if he needed money he could just take a bit of money from his parents, because they would never notice " ?! Seriously ? Do you really think that this is how a grown man , an adult with a wife and liely to have soon his own family, would / should reason this way ?? That's how a misbehaved teenager thinks !! Sorry, but... if you want to save this marriage, ( providing that's even possible ) you BOTH would have some growing up to do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2017): Actually this is the chat on january. I know he said he cant afford it just to reject his friend. He isnt that broke that he still can afford to buy me gifts on occasion.He could choose to go to massage and not buy me gifts and saving money for our pre wedding photoshoot which cost a lot. But he choose to save money and reject his friend invitation. I Respect him for that. I know he will save money and do everything to make me happy. He always spare some money to buy me gifts and surprise on our important dates. Other alternatives, he could just take money from his parents as their parent wont know if he takes a bit of it. My question is, how can i make sure he wont go anymore? He doesnt go there by himself. He went there with his friend. Im sure of that. But now he got that friend that i worry will be a bad influence for him. What should i do to tell him not to go? Now the only focus in his life is his business. Its being unstable and he is so stressed out with this situation. If i confront him directly again now he would get really mad as this morning he just break his phone out of frustation. But he get calm down and let go of the things quickly. I know he feels so hurt that i dont trust him. He got teary eyes when he told me that he never go out with his friends and never buy things that he wants just for the sake of saving and give me what i want to make me happy. That i get suspicious of him when he needs support especially from me his wife. We get so emotional and now its useless to confront him about this. How can indirectly tell him that im afraid and concern if he cheat on me?
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A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 It's a bit odd he's doing something like this so early in the marriage but it could be that he's adjusting to the sudden change from the single life. Form what i understand he didn't cheat per se although he actions weren't right. Men tend to do what they want, when they want it. Give him some time to adjust. Let him know that you're now there as his wife and guide him accordingly. Make sure you set boundaries. Don't be all sad and dejected. Let him know with a straight face that you're willing to leave if he can/t do right by you. You lose what you hold onto.All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): All your husband is doing is making you shut up and not argue with him by breaking his phone and shouting at you.
Basically he is trying to frighten you so you won't ask him anything about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): Your husband is a dog.He wants it all and feels he is entitled to whatever he wants. He does not care about your feelings one bit. And God forbid you step outside your place and question his actions. As far as he's concerned, you have no right to tell him what to do. You are just a subservient, second class wife, who needs to put up with it and shut up. He wants you to turn a blind eye. He is a cheater. Probably did this before he met you too. And will continue doing it even if you leave him.In his own mind, he rationalizes his actions so that he can justify what he is doing is ok and he feels no guilt. Him convincing himself it's a business transaction and that it means nothing, just pure sex and a happy ending is totally flawed. Wrong. On all counts. This is cheating. Period. Having to pay for it does not cancel out the sin.If he had the money, rest assured he would do it again. And again. And he will hide it from you.As one person said, it's a habit. He thinks it's OK and he can't stop. Putting a ring on your finger won't change him. In fact, he might be hoping the fact he married you might keep you quiet and oblivious.It's up to you to decide whether you want to take this shit from him. Or not. I suspect you won't leave. He got angry and reacted very crazy and over the top because he is guilty and he's trying to stop you from bothering him about it ever again. So he can do it in peace.Wow, he's got some nerve.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): (Edited)Sorry, but he does not care about you. You should stop justifying his actions and convincing yourself that he cares. If he truly loved you, he would not have gone to an adult massage, whether you are dating, engaged, or married.You did the right thing by talking to him, and you should not feel guilty for it. He is trying to make you feel guilty even though he is the one at fault. He is manipulating you. He is acting like everything is normal now and the whole situation is not a big deal, in hopes that you will just give in and also brush the situation off. And you did! So he is off the hook how. He won. Since him going to an adult massage did not affect your relationship this time, he believes it will not affect your relationship next time also. So he will do it again. And again.You can't stop him from going. You can tell him how you feel in hopes that he will change, but you cannot MAKE him or change him. His friend is not MAKING him go. He is an adult making his own decisions and he CHOOSES to go. Him buying you gifts does not mean anything when he is cheating on you. Do you really think that spending money on you excuses his wrongful actions? Plus, if you do some research, you will realize that cheating men buy the most gifts to cover up for their guilt.Your only two choices now are 1) leave him or 2) stay with him and accept him for who he is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): Actually this is the chat on january. I know he said he cant afford it just to reject his friend. He isnt that broke that he still can afford to buy me gifts on occasion.He could choose to go to massage and not buy me gifts and saving money for our pre wedding photoshoot which cost a lot. But he choose to save money and reject his friend invitation. I Respect him for that. I know he will save money and do everything to make me happy. He always spare some money to buy me gifts and surprise on our important dates. Other alternatives, he could just take money from his parents as their parent wont know if he takes a bit of it. My question is, how can i make sure he wont go anymore? He doesnt go there by himself. He went there with his friend. Im sure of that. But now he got that friend that i worry will be a bad influence for him. What should i do to tell him not to go? Now the only focus in his life is his business. Its being unstable and he is so stressed out with this situation. If i confront him directly again now he would get really mad as this morning he just break his phone out of frustation. But he get calm down and let go of the things quickly. I know he feels so hurt that i dont trust him. He got teary eyes when he told me that he never go out with his friends and never buy things that he wants just for the sake of saving and give me what i want to make me happy. That i get suspicious of him when he needs support especially from me his wife. We get so emotional and now its useless to confront him about this. How can indirectly tell him that im afraid and concern if he cheat on me?
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A
female
reader, AllyJ  +, writes (25 October 2017):
How do most women feel about the idea of their man having an adult massage? For some reason in life, adult massages, strip clubs, basically sex-entertainment has pushed itself into mainstream life as something that is kinda ok for men to do (in their minds)as it is a service that is paid for. Forget that that some poor broke woman is having to do it...but I digress.Here's the deal. You snooped (red flag), you found something out you hate (big red flag). I take it he has actually confirmed he has done this and would do it again but can't afford it. Wow...that would be me walking out there and then. Deal-breaker. Good-bye.There's no way out of this one unless honest communication can begin - which seems to have been shut down now that he knows you know (busted and embarrassed). This will a) make him sneakier b) angrier c)you constantly suspicious and resentful with no end in sight.Is this the life you want? Can you get out and so something more wonderful with your life? If not, you will be wasting your life trying to get him to confirm he won't do it again (hah!)and constantly suspicious he is about to do it again(dreadful state of mind to be in). You need to focus on you and what you want for your life and take steps to put your plan forward. A positive and fulfilling life - not reduced to phone snooping and a man who can't afford adult massages.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): Ive asked him just now. We got into big argument and heated until he throws his phone and broke in pieaces. He feels that i accused him and he hates to have argument in the morning.He said that hes now doesnt go out with his friends anymore and always working to save money to provide me as i wish and he has financial problem now with his business. I get so dramatic because ive known he used to massage parlour once when we are dating years back. But maybe he changes now? You know people can do things depend on what his life stage in. He used to be a college boy that dont focus on carrerr and now he fully realise his duties as a husband to provide me. But i hate one of his friend that i think is a bad influence and makes me worries. I feel really guilty to make him angry and lost his phone by that. Although its his decision to throw the phone but hes now on pressure and under stress with his business. I know i shouldnt give him more pressure like an unsupportive wife. But i just want to make sure hes not making the same mistake again. Pardon me if im selfish.His dad has this habit in breaking things when having argument with his mom. I think he influenced by that. He now act like nothing happen and still ask me wanna eat what for breakfast. Like nothing happen. He isnt people that hold grieve with me. And he doesnt want other family member knowing our argument. I know he cares with me. I feel more guilty now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): No, your fiancee cheated on you when he went to an adult massage. I wouldn't believe that is was a one-off thing. Unless he got carried away with Bachelor celebrations (which honestly isn't a good enough excuse, in my books)...I don't think I would trust him again.
You have 2 choices, divorce or stay with him. I would divorce him probably because I don't think I could trust him again, it is better than living life paranoid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): There isn't much you can do about something that is already done. So you have to tell him what you've found and how it makes you feel.
You're newlyweds; so you'll both uncover a few unsavory secrets about each other. Don't go to pieces over a massage. Unless you know all the dirty details. Which you don't!
Address it now. Get it over and done with. Once he knows you are aware, he will have to ditch the idea. If he feels he has to sneak and do things behind your back; then you should have known the character of the man you married better than you do. Before you married him!
If you know he has a habit of defending and avoiding issues; why did you marry him? If you are in the habit of "checking your husband's phone" that is because you don't trust him.
So that dates back before you married him.
You don't marry someone, then get to know them; or think you can change them.
Pretending ignorance doesn't keep the peace. It drives you nuts with suspicion and distrust. Bring things out into the open; and deal with them like two adults. That's how you handle a marriage, or any committed-relationship.
You're married now. Keep an eye on the budge and finances; that's where you should be fully knowledgeable. You should have full access. If he refuses? Guess you got a problem.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 It is normal? No I don't think it is normal and if I found out my husband had been to one and did not tell me I would consider it cheating and I would divorce him. To me trust is a big thing in my marriage, I trust my husband and if he broke that then the marriage would be broke and vice versa. Tell him what you found and how hurt you are and see what he has to say. But it is clear he would still go even now he is married if he could afford it which sounds to me like it is more off a habit than a once off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2017): Your husband (and then boyfriend) cheated on you. And he may cheat very soon again. You need to confront him. Sorry that you have to go through this.
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