A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My dad travels internationally for business and I think it would be safe to say he's been gone for probably about half of my life on business trips. He usually goes on trips no longer than a month, but he has been in Chile for 3 months and went through the earthquake(and all the aftershocks) so this trip has been especially hard because it's so long and what he went through and we went through worrying about him. I've always been a daddy's girl and I always miss him when he's gone. My mom drinks when he is gone and my brother (20 years old) runs wild and so I hate when he is gone. My brother even stopped going to college (we both live at home and go to college) this semester so has thrown all of my parents money down the drain this semester. I have been having a really hard time while my dad is gone this time because I am trying to do really well in school and it's hard because of the chaotic situation at home right now with my brother coming home at whatever time he wants and being loud all night while I try to sleep and the house is filthy he doesn't clean and my mom works ugh it's just so terrible. My dad is coming home next week and I was so excited.Until my mom let it slip that he had kissed another woman on a trip to Brazil years ago. I freaked out.. I have been cheated on by every boyfriend I've had except my current boyfriend, but I had caught him once flirting with a girl through texts and he also had a porn addiction behind my back while I was going through a series of brain surgeries and I was too distressed to have sex.. or at least maybe I would have if he had put effort in to be romantic with me and ease my mind. So needless to say, I don't trust men not only because of that but because of the way my mom raised me. She always says men are always going to be looking for greener pastures because that's just their biology. I always thought my dad was at least not a cheater and that gave me hope for my relationships in the future. My mom kept telling me it was only a kiss and that he was 30 years old and young (umm.. so it's ok to kiss other women if you're married when you're 30). First of all, my dad went to Brazil about 5-7 years ago so he was between the age of 43-45 or around there anyway.. and how does my mom know it was just a kiss? And how does she know he doesn't do it all the time when he's gone.. like now?? She said he was lonely at the time, well he is ALWAYS away so how does she know he doesn't always do it when he's lonely? I just don't understand. I have completely lost all confidence in men and I don't want to even be with my boyfriend anymore because this has not only made me feel like shit because I see my dad in a totally different light now and I'm really depressed but it just brought up all those feelings when I found my boyfriends flirty texts and also when I found out about his porn addiction. I just feel like as a woman I will never be enough for any man and they're always going to be secretly looking for someone else, with someone else, or at least masturbating to the image of someone else and I can't stand it. I don't know what to do.. my mom asked me not to tell anyone about my dad (my grandparents know because she wanted to leave him but my grandmother told her not to because that's just how men are.. something I always thought but never really wanted to let myself believe) so I want to talk to my boyfriend about how I feel but I think I'll just sound stupid because it was "just a kiss" and if I bring up the past about our relationship he gets angry with me.I just have been on the edge of tears or crying really hard ever since I found out except when I was in school and had my mind occupied. I don't know what to do.. my whole world feels shattered I can't trust any man again. I was a daddy's girl but now I have so much anger towards him for letting him down. I wish my mom had never told me this. Am I being stupid? I don't know what to do. I am so angry and sad I can't take it, it's physically hurting me to not cry. Sorry this was so long, but someone please help me know what to do because I feel so lost and just in shock. I can't believe it was just a 1 time kiss in a bar and I can't trust anyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): So basecly I am the same as you.. I am 19 and when I was a kid my dad would always flirt with his woman friends.. one day my dad, my mom , and I went to this store to buy something. He told me and my mom to wait in the car. I did not listen ; I followed him. When I walked in the store, all I saw was my dad making out with his "co-worker". He continued to make out with her even when I was there. I was 7. I have lost all respect for my father. I have kept this inside and never told anyone. My brother who is older then I always cheats on his girlfriends. He used to cheat on this girl he dated a couple of months ago with many other girls. My friends boyfriend cheated on him. My uncle cheated on his wife. So basecly, ALL men cheat.. and it's not just men .. it's women too. all of these past experiences have caused me to create a wall around me so that I don't let anyone get to my heart. I can't fall in love cause of it. I don't ever want to get hurt.. that's why I will die old and single.
A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (27 March 2010):
No one is having a go at you? What has happened is part of the pattern of life. No one said we had to like it. Consider, whta your reaction might have been if Mom was the culprit!
You must try not to take sides as in the long term you will destroy your relationship with your Dad !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, what is with all the harsh responses? First of all, I'm 21 going on 22 not 16. Second of all, just because I live with my parents doesn't mean I can't stay out as late as I want and I actually do have my boyfriend sleep over often. I did not ask you to make me feel like shit for still living with my parents at this age. I really have no other choice at the moment, do I? And second of all, if my mother made it my business what my father has done then I guess it's my business now, isn't it?
And to say men cheat on women who aren't there for them emotionally.. what makes you think my mother WASN'T there for him? She talks to him every night on the phone and waits for his calls no matter how long he's been gone. She isn't out running around town while my dad is away, and he always has the house clean for him and dinner for him when he's home. Wow, you people are shocking me. I've asked for advice on this site before and I never got such rude answers. Only the first three of you gave me something from the heart that was meant to help me.
I did not think I would have to defend my mother coming on here. You're absolutely ridiculous. Thanks to the few who actually tried to give me constructive advice. No, I don't have too many expectations. Unless you think women shouldn't expect to not be cheated on, well you're an asshole. Otherwise, I don't know what you mean. I'm sorry if my response is harsh, but so was yours to a person who was down in the dumps. And you don't kick someone who is down.. you lend them a hand to help pull them up. Maybe you shouldn't have accounts on advice websites if you're going to be so rude.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): Moving out on your own isn't easy. It's hard. Frankly who your Dad is having sex with is none of your business. He doesn't answer to you because he didn't marry you. I hate dating a woman that still lives with their parents. I feel like I'm back in school. You can't ever stay out as late you want and don't even think about spending the night with her. Then the mother is always sticking her nose in my business. It's anoying.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (24 March 2010):
Wow, you have too many expectations, bad and good... you need to get all these issues under control, or be prepared to be miserable for the next 50 to 60 years. Guys cheat on women who are not there emotionally for them. Being separated for long periods of time can cause that. Your Mom did something very WRONG to share that with you as it's a NO WIN situation for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): You should tell your parents or a school counselor that you would like to see a psychologist. You need some help dealing with these issues now. They could cause you much much more pain in the future. You are smart to see them now!
Robyn
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, but I work without pay as an intern and rent in my area for a 1 bedroom apartment is $800 a month at least (I live in one of the top 25 wealthiest counties in the country.. sadly my parents are not rich though or else they could pay for me to have an apartment like many of the other people my age in the area!). I moved out last semester with some friends and had to move back home because I can't hold a job, my internship, and school full time all at once, my grades were very poor. So moving out is not an option until I graduate from college.. next year. Or until I'm done my internship which won't be for months. I know my dad does not answer to me, but to my mother. I think my mother is worth not cheating on though, don't you? I think you kind of missed the point of my question but that's fine. Maybe someone else can give me something constructive. I am sorry about what you witnessed with your parents, that's horrible.
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A
male
reader, Brunel +, writes (23 March 2010):
Hold up there young lady 16 going on 26? You ahve just encountered one of lifes hard facts and others will reveal themselves when you least expect or want it.
You must for now focus on yourself and please give Mum and Dad space. Trust males they are not all bad in my family it was my wife that had affairs. My daughter acts if she hates her. This makes me feel worse and stresses me out which after 9 months solo I can do with out.
M an D love you, they will always love you, heart achingly so that is how it is. nevertheless s--t happens I am afraid - relax go out - rise up this and support them both as best you can.
Your brother will come round and besides he is old enough now to start acting like a man. Guys his age die every day in Afganistan and Iraq he needs to grow up?
You just take each day at a time, cry and tell them both how you feel.
For what it is worth there are a thousand people on this site that love you just the way you are and feel for you. Go out and date!
Your anger will subside and it is natural to feel like this!
pm me if you wish i will reply!
Feelimg your hurt
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): well dear, I can tell you that I have been cheated on by a lot of girls. I have never cheated on any of them. I am married and love her to death. Here's the thing I read that in 60% of marriages in America that one or both spouses cheated. Sounds bleak right? Well there is another statistic that says most marriages don't make it past five years. You know why? Infidelity. What causes most of these unhappy marriages is people getting married for the wrong reasons. It's estimated that more than half of all pregancies in the United States aren't planned. So from my point of view if you don't get pregnant you don't have to marry someone you don't want to. You also find someone who you trust.
Sorry that what's going on with your parents is upseting you. I caught my step dad having sex with another women. Oh my eyes! Yep actually saw them in the back of a car behind the grocery store. It was my first day working there. I was taking out the trash. I told my mom and I found out that they had an open marriage. So that's a double whammy. Some things you don't need to know about your mom. What I came to understand is that they are two married people that have their business and that there was nothing I could do about it,
Your story I'm sure is much different but the sad facts are your dad doesn't answer to you because he didn't marry you. It's not even your problem. It's your mom's. From what you write about I think you should move out and get your own place.
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