A
female
age
26-29,
*ngelkins
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half. I'm his first girlfriend and he's my second boyfriend. We're absolutely sure we're in love. We even have plans of moving in together soon. My problem is my self esteem. The past few months we have been getting into arguments because I found out he watched porn. He said he thought about it 3/4 of the day. He's always told me, "No one else ever phases me, but you." We've talked it over and he said he mainly did it to get back at me for when we fought. But now, I can never even take a compliment from him... I'm getting over the porn issue slowly. He said he doesnt watch it anymore, it makes him sick. And we're fine, just at least once a week I get depressed about it. He says the guilt haunts him. And he feels bad. Also, to raise my self esteem, i've been working out, looking up cute ways to do my hair and makeup. Keeping my room clean. Things like that. In hopes he won't look at other girls? He said, "maybe that would work. i'll still think other girls are pretty." The other day I asked him about it, and he said he didn't remeber saying that? He just tells me i make every girl look ugly and its so hard to trust him.I dont know if im being to unreasonable? Is it just me? Should I be ok with all this? i dont know how to feel or think. ):
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female
reader, angelkins +, writes (15 August 2011):
angelkins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat really did help! thanks:)
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (15 August 2011):
 I'm glad that you realize that this is a self-esteem issue. That being said, I'm also glad that your instincts were to work on your "self" and not put all the blame on him. That would probably be the end of your relationship.
What you have to realize is that men are people. Women are people, too. As such, we are all brought up to recognize aesthetically pleasing things. If you have a dog that you've had your whole life and love to death, you're not going to stop noticing other cute puppies. Similarly, you're not going to love your dog any less. If you have a favorite pair of jeans that fit you perfectly and that are completely your style, it's not going to stop you from finding other cute pairs of jeans, and other cute pairs of jeans aren't going to make you give up your favorite pair.
Men are taught to notice attractive women. Even gay men can notice when a woman is attractive. I'll bet you won't find a single person out there (male or female, gay or straight) who doesn't find Megan Fox attractive. She's got great features, a good body, and let's be honest, she's not marketing anything but sex appeal. However, just because she's attractive, doesn't mean that people are ATTRACTED to her. Gay men aren't going to be attracted to Megan fox. Straight men aren't all going to be attracted to Megan Fox. Hell, I can't stand her. If I had to meet her in person, I'd probably rather talk to a four-year old. Just because a person is attractive, doesn't mean that they attract every single person. Tastes differ.
Your boyfriend IS going to find other girls attractive. I'm sorry, but there's no way around that. My fiance who loves me very much is going to find other girls attractive. He's told me this, and I accept it. Just because we're committed to someone doesn't mean we're blind. However, just because your boyfriend finds other girls attractive doesn't mean that he's attracted to them. I can look around and see plenty of attractive men, but I would never in a million years be attracted to them as much as I am my fiance. He's far and away the most wonderful person I've ever met, and I've only been attracted to him since the day we began dating. But that doesn't mean that Paul Walker doesn't give me goosebumps when watching Fast & Furious =)
As far as the porn goes, unfortunately a lot of women get hung up on this issue, and I guess it's to each their own. Personally, I don't find watching porn offensive in the slightest. I do it, too. Even after my fiance and I have "satisfied" each other, so-to-speak, there's a point where I can't ask him to satisfy me anymore, and I just have to do it on my own time. It's not because I don't want him to, or because I don't think he could, but hey, if he's tired, or at work, or not feeling well, what right to I have to deny myself? It's mainly releasing feelings that need to be released, and it's nothing personal. I'm not in the SLIGHTEST bit attracted to any of the people in it, but it's the action and fantasy that takes care of it. I think of my fiance a lot of the time while watching it anyway. It's not like I wish I were with the people in it. Gross.
Please don't worry about the porn issue. Everyone is going to have some form of releasing sexual tension, it's just that some people choose that outlet. Some people can't get turned on visually without their partner, so they read and imagine. Some people listen to audio recordings. Like I said, to each their own. As long as no one is physically cheating with another person, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
I hope some of this helped. You can message me if you want. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, angelkins +, writes (15 August 2011):
angelkins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhmm, well thanks.
i reaally appreciate you taking time out of your day to help me :)
he told me he'd stop watching it, i want to belive him, but maybe its his way of not hurting me.
either way, im slowly healing and getting better.
again, thanks.
it opens my eyes to know all this lol
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 August 2011):
 cont..(WOOPS, accidently hit the post button before I was done...)
that REAL SEX has lots of variety, is better than porn, but generally shows a more selfish side of sex (pure gratification rather than connection). I told him that if he expects his future sex life to be like a porn, he was going to cheat himself from appreciating his future experiences, because he would always be dissapointed that it did not measure up to the porn.
By then, he wanted to crawl under a rock and die, but I told him WHY I was so open with him regarding sex and sexuality. MY parents were painfully embarrassed to discuss anything sexual. I did not want to be that kind of parent that did not realistically understand that my kids WILL grow up and become sexually active.
If knowing your bf watches porn makes you uncomfortable, ask him to be discreet about it and do not discuss it. Accept that others being curious and interested in sex is normal, and watching porn is not cheating.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 August 2011):
No, no no...there is nothing wrong with you if you do not find other guys in movies attractive.
It was just an example I used. Put in the word "IF".
It took me awhile to learn, but boys/men watching porn is not necessarily a rejection of YOU.
There are different reasons why people (men and woman both do!) watch porn.
I have a 17 year old son and I KNOW he has been sneaking porn since he was about 15. When I first found out, I sat him down. I did not have a freak out.
It is normal to be curious about sex, what other people do, what other people look like, (men are visual creatures after all:), what other people say, etc.
I took a deep breath and he and I went off to a quiet place to talk. I told him what I found out (he left the internet page open) and the look on his face was pure embarassment.
Imagine his suprise when I laughed and said "Well today we are going to have an awkward conversation. I did not think it was going to be today, but here we go."
First, I told him I was not going to shame him for being curious. I was not suprised he would look.
Second, I DID scold him for leaving the internet page open, because he has a little sister that uses the computer. If she saw what was there, she would be really disturbed. She would not understand why that was there. I taught him HOW to clear internet history. I also taught him that many porn sites can hijack the computer with viruses, etc and if that happened and needed any professional help to fix it..HE would be paying for it.
Third, I told him that REAL SEX
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A
female
reader, angelkins +, writes (15 August 2011):
angelkins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe is 15 a well. and he told me abunch of things leading me to believe hes never seen porn. i mean, its something i expect older single guys to do?
my ex watched it, but i was fine then?
again, i guess its my self esteem .. ? :/
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): oh, PLEASE... you're 15 (or younger)... he's a GUY, guy's watch porn... young men watch a TON OF PORN. Your expectations of him (and any future man) is so far off base that you're setting yourself up for repeated relationship failures. You need to understand that guys are going to want to watch girls do all kinds of sex acts that they would likely NEVER ask their GF to do and it's a safe form of exploration. If he starts choosing porn over you there's a problem, but if you're a good partner that will likely never happen.
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A
female
reader, angelkins +, writes (14 August 2011):
angelkins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat the thing, i never find other guys attractive? there must be something wrong with me ;/
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 August 2011):
Let's say you watched a romanitc movie with a stunning male co-star and you found him attractive and fantasized about him a little.
Does that make you unfaithful or give you the potential to cheat?
No, it is fantasy.
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A
female
reader, angelkins +, writes (14 August 2011):
angelkins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. We've been talking of ways for him to help me out. Self esteem is about my "self" but the people in my life contribute.. right? These were helpful and hopefully ill learn to get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): I myself can be insecure, but with regards to porn I couldn't care less. Most people watch porn, and the only thing I have ever said to my boyfriend in regards to it, is to please not watch it when I am in the room as I don't like it, any other time is fine. He is happy with that and so am I. As for finding other people attractive, my boyfriend does find other women attractive and I find other men attractive, but at the end of the day, the fact we love each other makes us both more attractive to each other than anyone else we see anyway. I do think your over reacting which is easy to do when your self-esteem is low, but try not to let it lose you the person you love. I know that is very hard to do at times. Just keep telling yourself, that you know he loves you and that you love him. I do think that your issue is more to do with trust, so try and figure whether your mistrust of him is based on what he has done or if it really comes from your lack of self esteem. I wish you the best of luck, and good work on improving your self-esteem so far, it's hard to do and I think it's wonderful that you doing it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): you're being a little unreasonable. Sure he might think other girls are pretty - that's normal. But YOU are the one he's with. surely that says something? When you're young, it's very easy to become paranoid about what your bf thinks of other girls. But as you get older, you'll realise that it's normal to still find people attractive. That doesn't mean you'll act on it though...Also as you get older you'll see that porn is very natural for some people! Again, it doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive.It's great that you're trying to raise your self esteem. Keep up the good work, i'm sure it's helping you a lot. But don't rely on a boy to make you feel good. You should want to feel good for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Every guy you'll ever meet watches porn on a regular basis, even if they're in a relationship. Even if they're marriedthis is always something you're going to have to deal with, so please try just get over it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): First off this "Maybe that would work. I'll still think other girls are pretty" this is like a warning bell sort of ticking for me. If he loves you he should never make you feel like you have to make an effort you should be the most beautiful to him regardless of what you do with your hair and make up. You should never feel in competition with another girl and he shouldn't make you feel as you are. "He said he didn't remember saying that" of course he did but he's choosing to tell you that he didn't. I think it's normal to think other people are attractive but it doesn't mean someone is looking elsewhere. It's just human nature. I have been insecure just like you but I didn't trust my ex boyfriend. It's as simple as that and I was right not to he turned out to be very abusive. I used to make a big deal out of porn and I soon realised it wasn't because of the porn it was because I didn't trust him as a person. I used to tell him he couldn't watch it and felt very insecure about it. We'd have huge arguments but soon realised I was very untrustworthy of him and there's a reason I got that way. You should be able to trust the man you're with and I for some reason didn't trust him and had never had these issues before. Yes porn might be awful to some people but we can't deny guys are going to watch it regardless to what we say it's best to turn a blind eye to it. I had an ex once who I was very in love with who one day said to me.. "I've stopped watching porn for you" and I had never made a deal out of it, said anything to him about it, nothing, he did it on his own accord and it really surprised me. Unless he watches it all the time to the point it affects your relationship it's best to ignore it but the fact you're so insecure and I feel he might be making you feel this insecure maybe you need to have a look into this and think about it with a clearer mind rather than it being an issue with porn I think it's a deeper issue.
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