A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I found out my boyfriend has a profile (or three!) up on swingers sex sites "looking for fun" and stating that he's single. Now he swears they are from years ago when he was single and in fairness to him, it was 2009 when the accounts were created. I went to log into an old email address and found it open under an account of his I didn't know he had. It seems that he logged into one of the sites once every six months or so. He has no posts or friends or anything in these profiles. I asked him why he logs in and he says boredom, to masturbate, and swears blind he's never done anything. Do I believe him?? He claims he didn't know they had his profile up like that because he doesn't check. It's purely to go on and have a look. He doesn't go out much without me so wouldn't have time to meet that I know of
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): I'd believe him. I had a few online dating profiles that I just left dormant, haven't touched them for ages. In a moment of boredom and intrigue I also joined Adult Friend Finders and believe me when I say I never had any intention of using it, I didn't even make a profile. But I would still get emails from them that would look suspicious to a partner. Hmm we should all be more aware of these dormant accounts I guess!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): Thanks you wish. I do need to work on some trust issues. It's actually our computer that we bought together and share because we live together, I just went into Hotmail to log into an old account and it was already logged on as him. I hope he's telling the truth.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 February 2014):
 I think he's telling the truth as well, but I have a question for you:
When you say "I went to log into an old email address", are you telling me that you're going onto HIS computer and logging onto one of HIS old email addresses?? If that's the case, and you're cracking into his computer and rifling through his stuff, you're wrecking the trust in your own relationship.
Having a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't automatically give you the right to invade privacy and go snooping, and doing so actually is a violation of trust. You're looking around for places he's been on, checking up the activity logs on these sites, going through his email addresses and looking through his emails, and in my opinion, that is not good. That's like going to his house, breaking into his safe, and going through his drawers. He has personal information on his computer, SSN's, bank accounts, contacts, and that isn't cool. How does he know you're not an identity thief? Before you or any reader laughs, I've seen that happen where a guy logged onto his girlfriend's computer, looked through all of her stuff including old tax returns, and then went and opened up a bunch of credit cards in her name adding himself as a duplicate cardholder, re-routing the bills to a PO box, and then charging up over $30,000 worth of stuff on them before disappearing. Most of that $30,000 was in the form of cash advances to fuel a heroin addiction.
So I say again, do not violate trust by invading privacy. In the pursuit of making sure he's not cheating on you, you may be committing the trust offenses that bring down a good relationship.
I personally forget to close old accounts, and they lie dormant for years until I forget my own username or passwords. Just ask him to do you a favor and physically close those accounts and find something more anonymous for sexual relief.
And stop snooping! It *will* bite you in the ass. Trust me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2014):
 It's possible that Cerberus is correct... I'd ask him how he feels about deleting the accounts and determine what to do based on how he reacts to the request.
FWIW I think i still have an active account on SLS and OKCupid I just never log in to either account.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): Hi Cerberus, OP here thanks for your reply. Yes he has said he will delete the pages, he's sorry for looking at them too. Apologised saying he shouldn't have... I guess I'm a bit antsy because he has a little tendency of lying to avoid difficult conversations which he knows is a bit cowardly, but I tend to react badly so I can see why in a way! He's very adamant that he only replied to a couple of messages years ago but never met up with anyone. Thanks for your input though it does calm me a little that you didn't react with a "red flag" "dump him" response!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): I'm a bit more conservative about it. I would not tell him to stop, but I would definitely tell him how you feel about it. Make sure that he understands that you have feelings (whatever those are)too and he should respect that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): Yeah, I'd believe him. The dates check out, the fact he doesn't interact with people on it is kosher too, there's nothing wrong with checking it every few months or so really.
Just aks him to delete them, he will and then it'll be resolved.
I don't see any reason for suspicion here, you'd have only really have reason to worry if he lied about any of this which he hasn't and won't delete them.
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