A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year and I've known vaguely that he watches porn for most of our relationship. However, it's only been recently that I've really started to have an issue with it as I've never really looked it up (so I didn't know what it was like) and he always told me it was a normal thing and all boys do it. So when he was away I stupidly peeked at his browser history and found stuff like 'First time anal sex'. I didn't say anything to him, and that night I went home and looked it up to try and see why he was interested in it. I. Was. Horrified. Not only because the women looked to be in pain and the male didn't care, but also because a while back in our relationship my boyfriend wouldn't stop asking me for anal sex even when I said no. Eventually he gave up, but does this show that he still wants to do it and is unhappy with our relationship because I won't give it to him?So I decided to confront him about what I found, and he was so apologetic after I'd explained that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, that he was comparing these porn stars to how I look, and that it made me feel sick thinking he was watching this regularly. Then, three days later I asked him if he'd watched anything else and he tried to say no first, but then he admitted he had. I was so pissed off, because he was totally disregarding how I felt and watching it anyway even when he said he totally understood why it would upset me. I told him that if he watches porn it's a deal breaker in our relationship. It's been a week now and he says he hasn't watched anything pornographic and doesn't feel the need to, but I feel like any time he gives me a vague answer about what he's doing then he could be watching it, and it makes me uncomfortable. What do I do now? Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, mrspiggy  +, writes (28 January 2015):
 Why is it a deal breaker, would you feel comfortable with him telling you what you can and can't do/watch?
He enjoys it, he's not hurting anyone. If it was a deal breaker you should have told him at the beginning of the relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): How does anon-male know he doesn't think that? Many women legitimately worry that is exactly what their partners think . After all if they were lusting after us miss average wives and girlfriends , porn
Stars would look like miss average wives and girlfriends
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): he doesn't watch porn and think wow I wish my Mrs looked that . he watches it to have a quick wank more than likely .
And regards to Anal its something some males like subconsciously as it s sort of dominance or its just kinky.
so do not take it to heart .. if its something you don't like that's it . but you cant stop him from watching porn and wont succeed
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): Regardless of what wise old owl says porn CAN and does make SOMe women have self esteem issues as the diversity and reality of women's bodies is not represented in porn. Men are totally average nine times out of ten with the occasional stud whereas the women are always the same carbon copy typical young thin etc . Certainly if I walk down the street I see many men who look exactly like those in porn get interestingly I see so few women who actually look like porn stars Porn is essentially a big f .... You to average womenFrom men everywhere. Of course , you can find older or plumper women if you go searching in the fetish categories where they are marginalised Porn breaks women down into a series of body parts ... Big boobs, small boob, big butt, Latino, Asian etc the list go on and on for categorising women Of course that can affect women's self esteem !!! How are womenTo feel in a world where she knows she will never ever be able to live up to the smorgasbord or women men have to look at....That being said , I essentially agree with what the others said here . You told him it was a deal breaker and he broke the deal . You can't change somebody , especially not men who want porn. You are seriously best not driving yourself insane and just moving on
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 Didn't see your follow-up (it wasn't marked with yellow) before now. The only way I can see this actually WORKING, and not just being a procrastination of a breakup, is if you agree on a compromise.
My suggestion is that you NEVER EVER EVER snoop again. For your own sake. That's your end of the bargain. Then HIS job is to NEVER EVER talk to you about his porn use, never bring it up, and pretty much just pretend he doesn't watch it. He can watch it in hiding, when alone by himself, and never on your computer. Only on his own private computer.
You will need to accept that he watches it, but not go ahead and peek at it yourself since it horrifies you so. That's the only way this relationship can work.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 January 2015):
He is a porn watcher, probably has been for years. Then you decide it is a deal breaker AFTER being in a relationship with him for a year. That's not fair on him, really. If it was a dealbreaker for you then he might have chosen to NOT enter a relationship with you, had he known from day one. But, you didn't realize it was a deal breaker for you until a few days ago. So I think the only fair thing is to give him time to adjust as well.
Yes, he might be watching it behind your back. You can't stop him from doing it, and you wont know if he's doing it or not. So that part comes down to trust. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him, then end the relationship. If he admits to watching porn again, end the relationship, don't just start arguing about it. If it's actually a deal breaker for you then you need to end the relationship if he does it again.
But I will remind you, being in a relationship with someone does not give you the right to control another person, or try to change them. You have a right to say that this is not for you, but you do not have a right to tell him that he needs to agree. He has the choice to either stay or leave the relationship, as you have now added some pretty heavy restraints on his behaviour. Behaviour that he's had for a full year into the relationship with you already.
Personally, I think you should end things. If you're so against porn, then you need to be with a man who is equally horrified by porn. As things are now, this will just drive you crazy and make you insecure, because you know he watches it and you know you can't control it, you know he likes something you don't, and it'll eat away at you. It's like if a girl was against drugs and dating a druggie, she then tells him to stop, but really it's just a waste of time and heartache waiting to happen. Because what do you expect? For a man to change his ways, his habits, over night just because you told him so?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): Snooping around on your mate will always find things you can't handle. Everyone has creepy sexual secrets. You too!
The worst are the kind you can't hide on a tablet, laptop, or a smartphone. They are the secrets hidden in the dark minds of crafty suspicious controlling people.
Watching porn is a naughty indulgence that is popular with men, and no amount of threats and tantrums is going to change that. All men who watch it are not warped or perverted. Perverts commit sex-crimes, porn isn't enough to satisfy their impulses. Sex-addicts don't really bother to hide. Their addiction is a sickness, they have no sense of shame. They don't care.
Even though women also watch porn, men and women have different attitudes about it. The truth is, it isn't the body of a porn actress that appeals so much to men. It is the illusion of a woman willing and able to do anything sexually to please a man. Having no inhibitions whatsoever.
No man really wants a woman like that as a wife and mother of his children. He may fantasize about a girlfriend like that, but she wouldn't be close to his heart. It would be hard for him to respect her.
The more you try to demean men for it, and micromanage a man's sexuality, the better he will get at hiding it from you. Masturbation is a reality in the sexuality of men. If he likes porn as his sexual-stimulant, he'll have it. That excuse about how it gives women self-image issues has lost all credibility with men. The irony being, the most popular and successful porn stars are women. Women have used sexuality as a way to manipulate men since ancient times. So we've become hip to it. Maybe its also a form of protest.
Sex isn't something to be negotiated for, bargained with, or
or doled out. Orgasms can be achieved alone, in as little as five minutes.
Porn has been a very consistent and serious irritant in relationships and marriages. Yet it seems it will always be around.
Porn should have a warning label: "Keep out of reach of children, spying wives, and snooping girlfriends. Discovery of the use of this product may be hazardous to your relationship!"
I agree with the advice to leave him, as you have threatened. Continuing a relationship isn't going to work; because you will always feel threatened and disgusted by what you found. You will always suspect he is still watching it, and most likely you'll be correct. Just keep this in mind. If you snoop around on your man; you'll always find something. If you can't help snooping around on men in your life; you have a serious issue of your own. Spying on your man's private sexual habits is voyeurism!
Don't lose heart. All men don't care for it, or gave-up porn in their adolescence. Personally, I don't care for porn. I don't judge my bros and sisters who do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): Hi, this is the original poster.
Thanks for the advice, I'll take it under consideration. However, I don't want to break up with him over this. Yeah, we have issues, but most of the time we get along really well. He can just be pretty insensitive sometimes. So is there any advice on how to make this work?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 I have to agree with YouWish.Regardless of one's view of porn, it's much the same as smoking or drinking in that you should just assume the person is doing it and decide if it's something you're prepared to live with. If it's a deal breaker, as you say, then there is no need for further discussion. It's important to remember, OP, that who you are and what you're worth are determined by what YOU do, not what someone else does. By basing your value on the actions of another you'll waste time and energy trying to control that person. Your views about your boyfriend's use of anal porn is turning you into a very bossy, cynical and overbearing individual. Is that the person you want to be?This may have started out about porn, but it's become about trust and respect and if you don't have that, if you have to keep asking questions and you don't believe the answers, then what more is there to say?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 If you told him the words "Porn is a dealbreaker for our relationship", then you need to break up with him NOW. He will not stop watching it. He will never stop watching it. He may get better at hiding it, especially if you snoop all over his stuff when he's not looking (a violation 10 times worse and a dealbreaker in relationships in my opinion), and now you've set the impossible ultimatum that you are going to lose.
I mean it. You have to break up with him. What's the alternative...to spy on him like a hawk until he gets resentful for you trying to own his sexuality and then he'll dump you?? Or worse, you get married to him, have 4 kids, and end up destroying their relationship with their father because you "catch" porn on his computer or phone??
He is not going to stop watching porn. You are either alright with it or you're not alright with it, but if you stay with him, you are accepting his porn watching because there is nothing you can do, no nagging, no spying, no crying, no screaming, no hitting, no destroying property, no sex withholding (that one always cracks me up...that tactic makes guys watch MORE porn, not less porn), no silent treatment, no nothing to stop him from doing it.
I think porn is gross. I think anal sex porn is gross, and yes, it looks painful in porn. My husband also wanted to try it out, and I did! Neither of us liked it. It's like trying a new food -- you like some things, you hate some things. If he has a fantasy, would you rather him dumping you to find someone to do it with, or cheating on you?? You cannot own his sexuality. You don't get to control his private solo sex life. That would be like him getting pissed at you for using a vibrator or reading a romance novel and saying that you're telling him that he's not enough.
There's only one thing he got wrong - and that's not ALL guys watch it. A majority do, and a minority do a LOT. A small amount of guys go way off-balance with it and get addicted, causing a lot of problems in their own sexual performance and interfering with normal sexual response. Porn isn't "a guy thing" when 1 in 6 regular users of porn are women.
You need to find a guy who doesn't care for porn, and they are out there, who are either infrequent users or they have no patience for it. You are incompatible with your boyfriend. Put him out of his misery and set him free, because "It's either porn or me" is not going to go your way. He may say it will, but it will not. You'll hound the hell out of him even if he hadn't watched it, and you'll spy, snoop, break into his stuff, and that is an outrageous breach of trust and a violation of a relationship. Being a boyfriend doesn't entitle you to go snooping! Would you like it if he did the same with you and questioned all of your friends, your spending choices, your personal thoughts?? Privacy exists in relationships and marriages too.
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