A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 19 years old and I have been in a relationship with my first boyfriend for 15 months. My boyfriend and I broke up during the summer and at this time he started talking to one of their family friends and they set plans together for the future but their relationship didn't last because the girl wanted to have her cake and eat it too, she wanted to have boyfriends and date boys her own age and she also wanted my guy to be her future plan, she had her mind set on marrying him. after that my guy and I got back together and he assured me that there was nothing going on between them anymore and that she was history and it was just a stupid mistake. During christmas they went on a trip together with their families and they started talking again until a week after they came back and for the same reasons they broke up. I found out about their relationship checking my boyfriends emails and I was devastated. I broke up with him immidiately but he kept calling and calling and begging me to come back, he told me that he had made a mistake and he loves me and he doesn't want to loose me and he tried so hard until he finally did get me back. He's been so sweet ever since, trying his best to show me that he loves me and trying to avoid seeing the other girl because I didn't want him to and even getting in fights with his family because of that. I know he loves me but I just can't trust him again, I'm afraid that he still loves the other girl and the minute that she becomes available and decides that she doesn't want to date anyone anymore and she wants to start her future with my guy, he'll go back to her. Also, I can't trust him anymore and that effects my relationship with him, I act mad around him, we fight all the time. he says he understands but I can tell that he's getting tired. He says that he loves me but if this is bothering me too much he's willing to do anything that I say, even if I want to end it he'll help me in anyway that he can. I really wanna work on my relationship but I'm scared that the same thing might happen to me again, I don't belive when he says that he is over that girl, because he had told me the same thing once before but he went back to her, his excuse is that at that time he did not feel the way he does for me now, and also that he wasn't sure if he had made the right decision breaking up with her at that time and thats why he decided to try again but this time he realized that he's making a mistake and he didn't end it because of me, but he says that having me by his side helped him realize that he doesn't want her anymore. He says if I wasn't in the picture he may still be chasing the other girl.I am so confused and I don't know what to do and I don't know how I can start to trust him again and get all these thoughts out of my head. I don't even know if staying with him is the right thing to do, maybe I'm afraid of what I'll go through if I don't stay with him, because I can't even imagine going through one day without him in my life, I've gotten so used to him and we almost live together.please help me, tell me what I should do, if I'm making a mistake by trusting him again or not. If he is worthy of me, whether you think he's still in love with the other girl and if he'll do this to me again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): So you started dating your first boyfriend when you were 18 or possibly 17? Frankly I think that you are too young to almost be living together and that is the major problem that you are seeing him too much, you are too over involved in each other's lives as if you were married almost but without the commitment. True love is not the feeling of "I don't know if I can live without him". That is dependence. True love is not just about feelings, it is about two mature adults coming together complete in themselves and making a concious decision to be worthy of love...love is shown in actions towards each other. What he did by going to the other girl is not exactly showing he is commited to your relationship, but at your age especially, that is not have to be the end of the world...you are both young, you are dating and dating is supposed to be about learning what you want in a partner and a relationship and learning what makes you happiest...if you don't know who you are yet, or he doesn't know for sure, then it will be hard to get to that stage of commited love.....if he is trying to be trustworthy, then all you can do is decide to trust. There is no guarantee that he won't do it again or that you won't be hurt again...if life were only so easy...but if he has consistently lied to you, that is another thing...he is a liar and can't be trusted, as future behavior is best predicted by past behavior....My feeling is that this relationship may have run its course....and that you are making it more about a lifestyle perhaps of always being together than about the real thing I am speaking of here....my suggestion would be to slow things down, a lot, see each other less, spend more time with other family and friends and see how it goes....you have plenty of time to be serious, your whole lives if it works out, but until then give each other some breathing room or even decide to amicably end things on go on to live your life....Most relationships at your age do not last, and those that end in marriage have a fairly high rate of divorce due to the immaturity of the partners....generally speaking.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): He's trying to have his cake and eat it too! He wants to be in a relationship - but also have outside relationships. I wouldn't trust someone who has lied twice, and also says that he may still be chasing the girl he cheated with if you were not in the picture.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (14 March 2008):
Only you know if you can still trust him, but he does seem a bit changing doesnt he. I dont think i could trust him. You say you dont think you could live without him, me and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up a week ago and im starting to beleive that i can cope. Dont stay with him because you dont think your strong enough to do it on your own. Because you are. Just like im going to be. Do you love him. Because most people will do anything for true love.
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