A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:1 year after dating a foreign man, I followed him back to his home country. For 6 months I learned about his culture and language before returning to the US to finish my degree. We were long distance for 1 year, after which we decided we couldn't live without one another and were married in his home country, where we still stay. We were only supposed to stay 2 years, but the plan has changed to 5. Before, my husband said he doesn't care if we live here or America, but now he talks about never going back to America. He said we can just visit, even though he knows there's no way we could afford the astronomical travel fees. I am introverted and have social anxiety, so when my husband said I should be an English teacher because they make a lot of money, I said no. We fought a lot during that time, to the point I that I just gave up and became a teacher at the school he worked at. I break into a cold sweat every day before I go to work, I get horrible headaches and I become so nauseated I can barely function, but I push through because I thought that we would be going back to America soon. My husband quit 6 months ago and left me all alone at this hell hole. I miss my old kitchen job in America, there was at least a sense of camaraderie. Here, the students make fun of my accent, are loud and disrespectful to me on a daily basis. I cry almost every day because I feel so disrespected and less than human.Now, my husband is thinking about opening his own school. He is working 2 jobs to save money for it. I don't want him to. We'll be stuck here, I know it. And he wants me to be a teacher there. I don't want to be a teacher for one more day, much less for the foreseeable future. I'll truly go crazy. I've tried to talk to him about it before, but he always gets upset and thinks I'm just complaining and that I should be thankful for everything. Then I start thinking that he's right and I feel so guilty. Which makes my headaches worse, and make me even more depressed. I want so badly to talk to my husband and have him understand me, but now I don't even say anything because I don't have the energy to get in a fight. I am an independent person, but here I can barely even go grocery shopping by myself because of the language barrier. I speak the language well enough, and I am still learning every day, but there's no way I could do any important paperwork or anything on my own. I feel so powerless. It's so lonely because the English speaking people that tend to come here are usually the young out-going backpacker types, who I don't get along with too well. The few people I meet that actually fit with me well always live really far away and/or leave after a few months, and I have to start at square one. I have tried to make friends with the natives, but the people here are judgmental and like to gossip, two things I loathe. I can't talk to these people in depth like I do with my friends in the U.S. Whenever my husband and I fight(which luckily isn't too often), he can go out and relive his anger with his buddies, but I am completely alone. I can't even call friends or family in the U.S. because of the time difference. Last time we fought I literally scream-cried myself hoarse because the loneliness was too much to bear. I miss my family so much. My husband and I were thinking about having children soon, but I want to be near my family when we have kids. I can't raise kids on my own. I need familial support and the support of friends who actually understand me. My husband is an amazing, loving, nurturing man, but he has trouble understanding me. I am so unhappy here. I know if I left him and went to the U.S. without him, I would be just as unhappy, because I'm still head over heels in love with him. But I also know I cannot handle staying the rest of my life in this place. I feel so guilty because going to America would take him away from his family, too, but he actually has friends in my hometown from his home country (they immigrated to America) so at least he wouldn't be entirely alone.....I don't know what to do. How do I get him to understand me? Is there any way to convince him to go back to America with me? Should we just part ways and cut our losses, even though we love each other so much still and neither of us wants a divorce?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2017): I did read your follow-up. I am very happy that things turned out for the better. I knew once you adapted to the language and the culture you would feel more independent. That independence gave you strength and the courage to take care of yourself.
I wish you much happiness, prosperity, and love!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if anyone will see this, but I thought maybe I would update...if for no one else but me. I was lying to myself. My husband was not a nurturing man, he was manipulative. I did what WiseOwl said and continued to blend into the culture. I am now near-native fluency in the language and can do everything I need to do by myself. I've integrated so well, many people think I was born here.I left my husband almost a year ago, and funny enough, moved into my own apartment in this country with no plans of leaving. It wasn't this country or it's culture that was difficult, it was my marriage. No matter how hard I tried or how much work I put into it, it was never good enough for my husband. Luckily I made sure never to get pregnant, and the divorce will be finalized next month. I'm really happy now. I'm no longer a teacher, and I am working in a field I love. Although I don't make a lot of money, I am not depressed and all thoughts of self-harm that I used to have on a daily basis are gone. I am healthy again, mind, body and soul.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): I'm so sorry to hear about it troubles. We both have something in common, I also married to foreigner and living in a foreign country. My husband and I have children and the battles I'm having is that he is not accepting my culture and family. Now I'm unhappy, trapped and I can't leave my husband because of my Children are still young. He wont give his consent therefore my children can't leave this country.
What I'm telling you is that make sure u are happy with your current situation before u have children. Once they are born things change. You don't want to be in my situation. He would make a big deal when I want to take my children to visits my parents in my home country. Good luck please keep us update.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see what you are saying.
To be clear, on the job situation, I am not refusing to work; I just do not want to be a teacher. I would love to be a chef, or to work full time with some of the non-profit organizations that I believe so strongly in (there have been several paying jobs at such places). I have had numerous opportunities to do these things here, and I would have taken up any one of those job offers in a heart beat if it weren't for my husband. The second I tell him there's a job I'm interested in, he finds some way to shoot me down, saying that I won't be good at it or that the pay won't be enough. All this in spite of the fact I have training in these areas, and it wouldn't be that big of a pay cut. We're not strapped for cash in the least; we have tens of thousands in savings just from our combined incomes the last two years and we spend virtually nothing beyond the absolute necessities. If I'm going to be stuck here, why can't I at least be happy in my job?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): I feel very strong empathy for the loneliness you must be feeling. You are asking the people on this cite to tell you how to rearrange the thoughts and feelings of your husband. How can anyone else convince him, if you can't?You have cried and screamed yourself hoarse. All your pleading seems to fall on deaf ears. You are now part of a new culture; and it would probably ease your culture shock, if you continue to learn the language and adapt to the ways of your host country. You did agree to go and you intended to stay for an extended period. No one has the power to change that, but you. It may take you time. You made the decision to travel away to your husband's country of origin. You had to know there would be changes you'd have to make; regardless of how long you stayed.It is unfortunately the chance you take; if you do not study the culture and consider what you are doing.There is little anyone can suggest accept educate yourself; and take your husband's suggestions on how to adapt. You can also go to local colleges and universities to find American experts studying and teaching abroad; who can give you tips on making adjustments to your new culture. They certainly know first-hand what it's like. You marriage is not only to a man, but to his culture.Stop resisting the changes that are necessary to make living easier; until you can afford to travel. Why would you refuse working when you have no choice? It's like being a new kid in a new school. You'll be teased and bullied by a few. Some neighbors will not like you, and yes; you will see what discrimination feels like being a foreigner. Do you really think people who travel to this country, don't receive what you are now experiencing? I'm sure your husband also had a bit of culture-shock coming to America. He also had to deal with discrimination, people who did not respect his culture and ethnicity; which is why he may not understand you.He has decided you're going to stay; and his cultural upbringing probably leaves you little option. You are his wife, and he makes the final decisions. You said you don't want a divorce. It seems you have few choices otherwise.
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