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male
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anonymous
writes: I think my girlfriend has an issue with her mum talking to me. Her mum is very forceful and quite dramatic. For example if I have a bad neckache she runs around and gets me headache tablets and tells me to sit in a certain position to help it and my girlfriend doesn't like this. The other day she said 'God you always listen to my mum!' really funny and sat away from me in the opposite direction the other day which i thought was bizarre. I find her mum a bit too involved with out relationship and other peoples lives. She has all of her sons phone numbers in her phone including mine and used to text me a lot. My girlfriend is quite funny about this which I can understand. She however, is very close to her mum and is so open they talk about sex in detail and about other peoples sex lives and periods, i find this hard to bare sometimes especially around me. Has anyone else experienced this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses.I meant she has all of her sons friends phone numbers in her phone and texts them a lot. She thinks she has the right to know where her son is going and who he mixes with. I find it very intrusive especially when I had her calling me when me and my girlfriend had a disagreement. It's like my gf uses her to sort problems out. She once said 'If me and you ever have any problems or you want to split from me, i'll get my mum'. hmmmmm
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): I think you need to firstly have a word with your gf and tell her to ask her mum to back off. This doesnt sound very nice to me. Secondly, if that doesnt work then speak to her yourself, infront of your gf and say you dont like this sort of behaviour and dont want it to happen again the future. Failing that i would cut down on the visits to her house. Meet your gf somewhere else and make sure you are never left on your own with her. My son, had something similar with his step mum, she actually got into bed with him (when she said she was drunk) when he was only 15, something i cannot forgive her for. He ran to my house and stayed with me instead with me. Be aware this woman is strong and keep your distance.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 September 2007):
 Yeah,
It sounds pretty inappropriate. Your girlfriend's Mom doesn't seem to know boundries. You should help your girlfriend set them. You girlfriend is upset because SHE wants to be the one to help you and "mother" you when you are ill. That's the spouses job (one of them). When her Mom steps in, she is pissed off and hurt, because she is usurping her role (as caregiver to you). She needs to tell her Mom to back off, nicely, and you have to support her in this.
It's fine for her Mom to have her son's phone numbers on speed dial, but why does she have yours? I don't think that my husband ever phoned my father or mother just to chat, and he's been with me for 34 years, and I don't remember them ever calling him, except when he picked up our phone - not that they didn't talk when we were all together. Your girlfriend turning her back was a bit childish, but we often "revert" to being children in front of our parents. She needs to establish an adult relationship with her mother now that she is a grown daughter, and her mom needs to back off and let her. Easier said than done!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): Yeah my sister used to date a guy who's mom was just like your gf's mom. She was SO involved in his life and in her life. She would call my sister up all the time. Just always had to know what they were up to and talked to my sis as if they were friends. The sad thing about it was that she really meant well. She was not trying to hurt my sister or sabotage their relationship. Maybe she was just trying to be cool. I don't know. But my sister hated it. And me and my family found it a bit weird and kind of controlling. We didn't like it at all. It scared me.
But unlike your girlfriend, my sister's bf saw nothing wrong with it. He thought it was totally normal and sweet of his mom to be so involved. He probably confided everything in his mom too. But my sister told him that she wanted his mom to leave them alone a bit more and he could not see the reason behind that and got offended. But my family is not like that at all and I guess after we made her realise that it was a bit intrusive, one day when her mom phoned, my sister politely told her to not call her so much. I think the mom was really hurt.
Eventually she broke up with him especially after all this came to light (and for various other reasons, he didn't finish college and that really bugged my dad). I am glad she broke up with him. I didn't like the control that his mom tried to have on them. It really scared me.
In your case I guess it is different because like I said, your gf seems to sympathize with you. I don't know if it is normal for her to tell her mom EVERYTHING but I know my parents do not want to know EVERYTHING about me. So that is something to think about. My advice to you is do not put up with it anymore and do not keep letting her think that this behavior is ok. Tell your girl that you wish that you two could have a little more privacy in your relationship and that you feel that her mom is too intrusive. See how she reacts. I personally wouldn't like it. But some people you can't change. So it might be something that you have to consider whether you can live with or not. But if you can, try to make it clear early on that you don't want this to become a habit.
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