A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 25 years-old male who've never went anywhere with a female. I've also never been shown explicit interest by one, save 2-3 times when I was a young teenager. For nearly all my life I've been passive and secluded as I was excessively fat.Now all the extra weight has been lost, I've moved out from home and am in college, and study in a whole new town. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to live in dorms. As a result of this, my social life is low, although I've been able to join a club (closed for the summer) and make 2-3 friends who I occasionally hang out with.In the last few years I've worked on bettering myself and have been highly pleased with the results, even if inexperimented I truly feel like a great man. Usually in these kinds of topics the OP decries his lack of confidence, his shyness or his inability to hold a conversation, or to say witty things, but here it is really not the case. My natural temperament really is that of a smug, blunt guy with grand aspirations, who is a bit pretentious in most contexts, but still charming. I'd reckon I'm at least decent looking.My problem is that I've developed a lot of abilities I'm proud of and eager to display, but don't really know how to put it all in practice. And I'm not keen with hitting on strangers in public places or in bars or clubs. I don't think I want to be a player.I've attended to a bunch of social events in these last few months and have tried to practice myself at looking girls in the eyes, smiling, being funny, being spontaneous. I've asked out a few and got one to agree to a date, and when she changed her mind a week after I kept my cool and my smile and nexted her- even if I was a bit disappointed I took it in stride.Most of the times I feel good, but there are occasions when it's the exact reverse. I can be sweet and sensitive, but my true character is that of a spiteful, rebellious, blunt, severe person who mocks everything, kinda like George Carlin. At times I feel a lot of pain and react violently. I become pissed at everyone, at couples, at girls for not giving me attention, at guys who are successful in their love life, I gloat when bad stuff happens to people I hate, and I feel very nihilistic, exasperated and enraged.Thankfully over time I learned to accept myself for who I was, and even to revel in such things, as if exploited efficiently these may become some very powerful character traits.As for defaults, I'd say that at times when with other people, it can look like I'm brooding too much, and that I'm stern. I also have to control my cynicism in order not to get too opinionated and negative. However I learned how to make it into something funny.So I just don't know where to insert myself to meet girls of my age on a regular basis and get to converse with them. With most of the groups I've been able to briefly attend to you don't really get to talk to other people. And I haven't found any places in town that allow young adults to gather together and talk and didn't involve the local college. Now it's the summer vacations and I'm at a crossroads, wondering what to do.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Sounds like you are on the right track. Try to remember that materialistic things don't make a person, experiences do, with that being said, travel. Even if it's to the next big city, it's important to check out the scene other than where you are now, especially if it has no night life. I left for Hawaii when I turned 17, and refuse to leave because I found that I relate to people here better. Maybe there is a place on this great big earth that will do the same for you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks for those answers. As one of the posters point out, yeah, I miss opportunities to meet girls of my age. I meet very few every now and then but they have boyfriends, and it's not a place where I'd want to start drama, to me it's my one social outlet where I can go and be carefree.Yeah, I thought about getting a summer job, however I don't know if I should seek that solely to hopefully meet girls as I'm not in need of extra money at all, and also I'm all out of stamina after these exhausting finals.Like the first person to answer said, I also like to relate to people this way, but it's hard to do something like this with strangers.I thought about taking lessons for a driver's license but I think that most girls will be in their mid to late teens so that's a no-no. And when you're in a social context where you simply follow a course from a professor you don't get to talk to other students in most cases.This town is really empty when it comes to social opportunities offered to young adults, however it has a lot of museums. So I think I'll go visit some of them, and try to do brief small talk if I meet lone girls. However I don't expect anything from that as it's still on a stranger basis.As of late I started lifting weights and bettering my wardrobe so that gets me more motivated. Just yesterday I got a leather coat and it feels really great to walk in town with this.I'm still pretty clueless honestly, it seems that most places where I could go and meet such people are on campus, but these clubs are closed for the summer, so yeah I'll join more of them at the next session but I'd like to meet girls in a social context in the summer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): Congratulations on your turnaround. It sounds like you've been doing a lot of the right things! My bet is that you will manage to hook up soon. What you may need to do next is work on cultivate personal relationships with women-- young, old, attractive, unattractive-- doesn't matter, but you have to genuinely like them. Learn how to make and stay friends with women, how to hang out with them and feel comfortable. Find out from them what you could be doing to change your luck. At the very least-- you'll have friends.
Another point is that sometimes one is simply living in an environment without opportunities to meet girls in a meaningful way, as seems to be your problem. Have you considered finding a summer job where there are a lot of people your age employed? (even something short term like being a counselor at a summer camp, or working behind the bar at reunions, etc.)
I just answered a somewhat similar question from a young woman, you might want to check it out:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/scared-of-being-alone--what-is-wrong.html
Good luck-- I'm sure you'll do well.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (17 May 2008):
I am your complete opposite. Super outgoing, socially over experienced (for my age) and have a great ability to click with most people. However, I am cynical, and dont put up with any kind of fake energy. Because I am your age, I can say, that the best way to open up to someone is to notice something about them that you can relate to. Thats how I connect with people. What are they doing? Is it something you have done, or are doing as well? Bring it up. Someone worth talking to will carry on the conversation, trust me, and most likely will make it even more intresting. Once you brake the comfert barrier, things will flow. I talk to just about everyone I see, and carry a bright, welcoming smile. I'm also a female, so it's probably alittle easier for me, but I see many guys open up and just talk about nothing, and they do very well with it. I think you can too. Of course, admitting your flaws and positive traits right away might make one eager to end the conversaton, so stick with your thoughts in the moment of where you are, who you are talking to, and the happenings surrounding you. I am no expert on these things, but it has always worked for me, quite well, and I know many people who don't have a negative word to speak of me (because I dont let them come up with one, lol). Good luck sweetie, keep us updated!
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