A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts. I am in some urgent need for advice here.Hope you can help me. Sadly I carry a very traumatic past on my shoulders. A few years back I was kidnapped and raped by an acquaintance and for a long time I was nothing but a walking zombie. I don't really trust people anymore and I have HUGE issues with intimacy. It took me long time to place everything back together but I did and I was fine. I had a close male friend for about a year now and, although I never thought about dating him we were very close. He knows everything about my past and we have talked about my fear to be intimate so that he could help me deal with it. The more I think of things the more I am sure I did not misread anything. He was writing and calling every day, one night we kissed but I said I wanted to take it slowly, he said he understood (that was four months ago), he was taking me out to lunch, he wrote me a song, going out of his way to be with me as often as possible and just the way he looked at me I was convinced he had feelings for me. At first I did not reciprocate but slowly he begun to win me over. Lately he brought me home and tried to kiss me again but I just ran away and apologized later. So, a few nights ago we went out together again and again he brought me home and we kissed again. I asked him upstairs (because I wanted to talk to him, I was clear on that. I wanted to let him know that I was ready to explore my options with him) but when he came things got steamy very fast and we ended up naked in bed making out. I had already complained when the whole incident begun that I did not wish to have sex. At first he didn't believe me but when things got even more heated I told him that I had wanted our first time to be perfect and not rushed like this. It just felt wrong. So, he stopped, told me he was not in love with me, that he had his heart broken over the summer and he doesn't want a relationship with me. He got up and left. We had already spoken about sex and he knew for months that I am not comfortable with anything casual and he has been my friend for so many months and knew how difficult it was with me to be in a situation like that with him and that I never would have even kissed him if it didn't mean anything. He sent me a mail of apology since but it is useless as he is apologizing for not wanting a relationship right now which is really not what the offense was. I feel like an object all over again while I bet he feels like the bigger man for not actually completing the deed. As if all other actions do not count as sex. Can anyone help me make sense of that? Why would someone spend months pursuing me if he saw me as just a friend? Why would he mess with me knowing I have all these issues with intimacy? It is not like he can not get sex elsewhere.He is a great looking guy. He had been my closest friend for a year.I feel violated and dirty. The worst is that he is everywhere. We share the same circle of friends and I don't think I should lose my friends because of him but I simply don't know how to act around him. I am very uncomfortable around him. My mind hadn't had the time to disengage from when I liked him and at the same time I want to shout at him. I hate him for being so reckless with me and I hate myself for believing this could work. I ran into him for the first time yesterday and the tension was unbelievable. He couldn't even look me in the eye. At some point he tried to smile at me and when he got the chance he said he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable cause we will be seeing each other a lot (too late for that) then he said something about 'resolving this' but I just don't see how so I said nothing and simply left. It took me years to trust anyone at all and just moments to being back to square one. How do I possibly handle that? What purpose could his behavior possibly serve? I miss the friendship and I miss the time when I thought he was a decent guy but does he think with time I'll forget it ever happened? I feel gutted. Am I overreacting here? Not seeing him is really not a viable option and the whole situation is putting me under a lot of stress. Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Cerberus Raphael. I think I need to be extremely cautious right now. I will probably be seeing him tomorrow. I still don't trust him or his words but at least I have to acknowledge that he must care just a little bit to write all these messages.I will provide an update.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Words are far more than just letters combined. Each word has meaning behind it, far deeper than anything else. Words can do more than anything material ever could, they can shatter a heart or heal a broken soul.
When he tells you that he likes you and that he respects you, take it to heart and acknowledge it. There is something there and it shows that perhaps he was just too afraid and that perhaps he is in fact sorry, maybe he simply lacks the courage to admit it. That is why I still think you need to talk to him about everything, to forgive, to find closure and perhaps to get the apology you deserve.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sorry you had to go through something so terrible at such a young age No watered down advice. But I can see your ordeal made you into a very strong person. I appreciate your advice. He wrote again today to say that he likes and respects me but for me words are just that. I will take your advice though and forgive even though I never received a proper apology. Not sure I will be able to forget though.
Best of luck to you and your daughter and thanks for stopping by to help
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here!  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 I think that that he had all the intentions in the world of having a relationship with you, until that moment you spoke of. I also feel that he's not mentally prepared to handle you right now. However, that's where you can step in and make him more comfortable with your condition,because it's very obvious he's interested even if it's just as your friend. Non-awareness,will definitely be a good reason for him to be afraid.I also had a rape survivor,I too shut people out,and held on to unnecessary grudges,only person I was hurting was ME things didn't begin to get better for me until I forgive,the people who hurt me,including my rapist!It happened when I 12 and I had a daughter born from that rape,who's now 32,(I'm 45) so I'm speaking to from my heart. I also didn't know how to have sex without thinking about the rape. And also I can never remember being a virgin(molestation). So trust me I'm right here with you. I feel your pain. My daughter and I are super close.Know that there is somebody out there who cares.And guess what? HE DOES!!! I know HE DOES! I may not know him "Personally" But...I.. DO... This..I know his KIND. : )
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat a beautiful answer Cerberus Raphael. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I can only hope it gets better.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (24 October 2010):
I know that perhaps whatever I say, will hardly ease your pain, but I felt that perhaps I should at least try.
When you write about how you feel about this, you are not over reacting but I feel as though there should be a spark of hope within you because you have found the strength to at least try and build trust between others. You have friends who can help you through pain without having to know if you are not comfortable with telling them.
I do not know what this man was thinking, I do not know how he felt or whether or not this was his intention from the beginning but I do know that when he left you, he revealed the true strength of his character. He was weak and in no way was he the bigger man, hopefully he would not have forced himself into that sort of a delusion and he will soon see how wrongly he mistreated you. But have faith because not everyone is like that and people change. Perhaps he will change, but, even if he refuses to, you can still be the stronger one and take that first step back to friendship. Things may never be the same between you two but you can put that behind you and start again because you have that power. You are far from being a mere object, you are stronger than you think now.
Instead of ignoring him, take the initiative and talk to each other, let him know how you feel about everything that has happened and then ask him what he thinks will become of this estranged relationship. Perhaps you shall find answers there. But remember that you are your own person and whatever you feel matters greatly and he should see that. If he is blind to it, then go out and meet someone else and let your own soul heal. Smile again, vent your anger and your sadness and let the light of this world's orchidaceous beauty shine in your life. Be with your friends, be with your family, go out and do whatever makes you smile. This is YOUR world and you have a right to find peace.
I hope that helps.
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